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linux_junkie
12-05-2004, 07:20
Tira pressed her back firmly against the tree, and held her breath. She could feel her heart thudding in her chest, each beat coinciding with the footsteps coming from ten feet behind. She felt the feverish heat of her potion sweeping through her body, slowly healing the freshly gained wounds. The gashes in her flesh were pulling themselves tautly together, weaving together skin that had been so recently seperated.

Crunch.

The sound of footsteps crushing twigs sounded even closer in the clear evening air. Five steps away, at the most. Tira felt her heart pound even faster; so fast and so loud she was afraid her pursuer would hear the beating in her chest. She made a silent prayer, praying that her potion would stitch her together a little faster. Crunch. No more time to wait, now. Tira gingerly fingered the handles of her katar, and felt her muscles tense up.

One more step...

She felt bile rise in her throat, and felt ashamed for feeling such cowardice. To show fear is to show weakness, she had been taught. But she still couldn't help it. This was no routine slaying of imps in some cavernous pit, this was a foe that she was not sure she could handle. This might be the moment that her skills fail her. This might be the moment that she would die. Another forgotten adventurer abandoned in a decaying field. She tensed even more, and prepared to strike.

Crunch.

She darted from behind the tree, and let loose a volley of blows at her pursuer. The great beast roared as blade after blade pierced its flesh. Tira felt each blow gain momentum, as it always does, until each hit was striking with brutal force. The gargantua stumbled under the onslaught, but quickly regained itself and swung its might arm at its miniscule attacker. A lucky blow from Tira caught the beast in its left shoulder, causing the offending arm to sway helplessly off course. Tira's confidence rose to unhealthy heights, as she marveled at the impressive barrage of destruction that was tearing into her adversary's flesh. It was at this point that she saw the all too familiar crackling about it's fur, followed by a ripple of electricity that pulsed out, passing right through Tira. Her body tensed up as the electric field flowed through her body, involuntarily contracting every muscle it came in contact with.

Taking advantage of her temporary weakness, the mighty beast swung his other arm. Like a great hammer, it's fist connected with the side of her head, and she crumpled into a heap on the floor. She struggled to her feet, only to be struck down again by another mighty blow. With a final burst of speed, she leapt up, and, using all of her momentum, simultaneously punched both katars through the creature's throat. She felt the satisfying *snikt* as the blades cleanly severed the vertebrae. She drew her blades out, and stepped back.

With a grim satisfaction, she watched the gargantua gurgle one last time, a bubble of blood escaping it's lips, and slowly collapse. As if in slow-motion, she watched it slowly descend to the ground. The body began to bulge awkwardly as it fell, and the smile vanished from her face as she saw the skin ripple violently with small crackling bolts of electricity. She turned to run and heard a sickening splatter as the body burst outwards, spraying its innards over the country-side. And alongside it was a fearsome bolt of lightening, flying in all directions, so thick and deadly that the air was white and blue with it. She felt the electricity rip through her body. Then everything went dark.

She awoke, soaked in blood and entrails, body feeling like it was crushed by a boulder. She felt a sharp pain in her left hand, and looked over to see it full of shards of glass. The blood slowly dripped down her arm, the hot, sticky feeling making her naucious. Next to her hand was the rest of the remains of a glass bottle. That final gulp she drank must have saved her life. She slowly sat up, wincing, and began pulling the glass out of her hand. She grit her teeth, but did not cry out once. She grabbed another vial off of her belt, and quaffed another foul swill. Finally, she stood up, and set off at a silent run. She had faced death, and beaten it. She was stronger and faster than before. As she ran northwards, she smiled. She almost felt pity for her target, the one she'd been sent to assassinate. Almost.

Snowglare
12-05-2004, 09:00
Interesting. I like the first few paragraphs better than the rest. Kinda drops off, and errors become more frequent.

"The gashes in her flesh were pulling themselves tautly together, weaving together skin that had been so recently seperated."

This is good, except for the misspelling of separated. It's a tricky word, so no biggie.

"Crunch."

I like this too. The sound, all alone in its own paragraph.

"The great beast roared as blade after blade pierced its flesh."

This is correct, which only makes it more puzzling why you used the wrong possessive form of it later in the story. They should all be its.

"The gargantua stumbled under the onslaught, but quickly regained itself and swung its might arm at its miniscule attacker."

Should be mighty.

"Her body tensed up as the electric field flowed through her body, involuntarily contracting every muscle it came in contact with."

Ow. I'm not a fan of using in-game stuff like lightning enchantment, but you translate it well enough that I can't really complain. Depending on where this story goes, if you plan to continue it, or where any other story you write goes, I could see myself enjoying it despite the in-game ties. Actually, on a second look, using her body twice in the sentence is redundant. I'd change the first one to She.

"With a grim satisfaction, she watched the gargantua gurgle one last time, a bubble of blood escaping it's lips, and slowly collapse. As if in slow-motion, she watched it slowly descend to the ground."

You need a better way to describe this than "slowly...slow-motion...slowly".

"She turned to run and heard a sickening splatter as the body burst outwards, spraying its innards over the country-side."

No need for a hyphen here, and it's generally good to avoid those unless they're needed. Simply countryside will do.

"And alongside it was a fearsome bolt of lightening, flying in all directions, so thick and deadly that the air was white and blue with it."

The start of the sentence feels like it should be worded differently. Perhaps And with it came or something. Alongside sounds wrong. And lightening should be lightning.

"The blood slowly dripped down her arm, the hot, sticky feeling making her naucious."

Should be nauseous, if not nauseated. I never could figure out those two. *shrug*

"Next to her hand was the rest of the remains of a glass bottle. That final gulp she drank must have saved her life."

Should just be were the remains of. Gulp she drank seems redundant too, but I'm not sure.

"She grit her teeth, but did not cry out once."

Should be gritted.

"Finally, she stood up, and set off at a silent run. She had faced death, and beaten it. She was stronger and faster than before."

This is what I dislike about healing potions. Sure, it's true to the game, but being able to heal that quickly sucks the fun out of deadly battles. She may've been killed even with the potions, but since she survived, she's no worse for wear.

"She almost felt pity for her target, the one she'd been sent to assassinate."

This is awkward exposition. There are better ways to tell us that this was an assassination. Like explaining why anyone would want a monster assassinated. Unless you mean she was sent to assassinate someone entirely else, in which case the sentence is only a little awkward.

Please write and post more. Though I may have given a contrary impression, nothing in your post bothered me more than slightly. Granted nothing knocked my socks off either, but I would like to see more from you.

linux_junkie
13-05-2004, 20:20
Thanks for the advice, I really do appreciate it. I stumbled across this site the other day, and have always enjoyed writing, so when I found a D2 fan fiction forum I got a little excited. This is my first time posting any of my writing online, so I was a bit hesitant. I was afraid that I would get a slew of rude posters, nasty critics, and unintelligible assholes. But to be greeted with solid, constructive criticism was wonderful.

About my errors abound, well, er, sorry about that. I normally pride myself on my good grammar and spelling, but I wrote this piece in under an hour, while at work. I was somewhat anxious to get something posted, and, stupidly, sent this off unchecked and unedited. It was a rude thing to do, and I felt like a jerk afterwards. I will actually EDIT future works, and not send them off blindly. Sorry about that. This was also a test piece, for myself, to test my abilities at writing in the D2 universe. I was originally hoping to make this an ongoing series, this being the first of many adventures during the assassin's quest of, well, assassinating, somebody, and... stuff. Nothing was very thoroughly fleshed out, so I'm not going to continue this one, and am going to start on a new story. And I'll actually put more than an hour's worth of work into it, too! Thanks again for the criticism, it's helped a lot. Hope you enjoy my future stories!

-Tim

Anyee
14-05-2004, 09:51
We're usually nasty and unpleasant. You just lucked out. :)