If D2 characters were like their players, or, "TEH RUNE!!!11"

[linux_junkie]

I wrote this piece, just for the hell of it. Its a look at how ridiculously out of character bnet players are. It’s obvious after 10 minutes on battle.net that Diablo 2 isn’t a role playing game, or these would be some pretty ****ed up roles. Warning, the following story features foul language. If that offends you, stop reading now. Then again, if it offends you, bnet probably isn’t the place for you anyway.








If Diablo 2 characters were like bnetters.
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The barbarian charged into the fray of skeletons, his mighty axe swinging mightily side to side, crushing skulls with a sickening crunch. Behind, the sorceress stood in safety, unleashing a torrential downpour of fire, blanketing the area with flames, which licked up harmlessly around the barbarian, but incinerated the undead foes. When the last of the skeleton warriors lay shattered on the damp soil, the two combatants rushed around the corpses. Greed twinkled in the sorceress’ eye as she spotted a rare rune lying amidst the bleached bones. She quickly snatched it up, much to the barbarian’s dismay.

“HEY FAGG!!!!!1111 GIVE TH4T BACK!!!!111”
“fuuck u. i got it first”
“FUK U F4GG0T!! ILL KILL U IF U DONT GIVE IT BACK!!!1”
“i’ll trade 4 it”
“FUK OFF F4G!!!1 IM NOT GONNA TRADE FOR MY OWN STUFFF!!!!11”
“too bad, dude.”
“ILL FUKKIN KILL U!!!111”

The barbarian waved his hand in an ornate pattern, and the scroll in his hand vanished in a burst of light, as a blue portal opened in front of him. The barbarian stepped through, disappearing, leaving the sorceress standing alone in the field. The sorceress jerked her head towards the portal, as she felt a wave of hostility emanate from her one-time ally. The barbarian burst through the portal, rushing towards the sorceress at break-neck speeds. Stepping backwards calmly, the sorceress unleashed a fury of ice bolts in all directions, which struck the barbarian with fatal force.

“FUK U F4G!!!11 GIVE ME BACK TEH FUKING RUNE!!!111 I NEED FOR RUNEWORD!!11”
“u can have if u can kill me”
“GODDAM MUTHER FUKR!!!11”

The sorceress stood over the barbarian’s corpse for a few minutes, calmly awaiting the barbarian’s return. She never quite understood how someone could walk around, when their corpse was clearly elsewhere, but she tried not to think about it too much. Sure enough, a naked barbarian came charging towards her. The sorceress littered the ground about the corpse with low quality daggers, cracked sashes, and damaged boots, then stepped back from the charging fool. The barbarian stooped over to grab his equipment when he reached his corpse, but accidentally picked up a crappy dagger first. Another burst of ice filled the air, once again dropping the barbarian, but this time sending the barbarian's equipment flying into the air. The sorceress grabbed the barbarian’s stuff. Once again, the naked barbarian could be seen in the distance, running full-speed towards her. He grabbed his equipment off of his corpse.

“WTF!!!! U FAAG U STOLE MY STUFF!!11”
“lol”
“FUKER, GIVE IT BBACK!!!”
“nah. u deserve it, jerk. c ya”

The sorceress vanished.

“MOTHER FOCKER!!1”

[BabehJesus]

So true...

Alternate ending.

Barb: GIV ME BAK MY RUNE YOU N00B!!!1!!1
Sorc: LOL, u hav 2 trade me for it.
Barb: fine, wut do u want???
Sorc: wug?
Barb: wug? What's that?
Sorc: wug?
Barb: WUTS WUG???
Sorc: wut u got???
Barb: u could of just sed that...
Sorc: n00b!!1
Barb: i got a wf, ss, anni, and enigma
Sorc: hmm i'll take enigma
Barb: no u wont noob

Suddenly, a ball of ice appears to fly out of the sorc's hands, exploding into shards. The barb dies, but then appears on top of the waypoint, naked.

Sorc: get the point?
Barb: yah okay, u get enigma 4 the rune
Sorc: hmm...not 4 the rune

The sorc walks over to the barb's equipped body, and starts picking through, trying to find the best equipment. The sorc picks up her newly found 40/15'd Arreat's, 40/15'd SS, and eth. BOTD zerk.

Barb: ILL KILL U STUPID NOOB!!!1!11
Sorc: sure u will, but first, u'll trade me for your stuff
Barb: wut u want for them????
Sorc: wut u got? i'm sure u hav better stuff when u need to trade 4 ur real gear

The barb screams commands into the air, and suddenly grows twice his size. He begins leaping around, until he's right on top of the sorc, but only after she teleports away. Now, with the barb having much of his equipment, he begins teleporting around, and as they race each other, the sorc's teleports appear to be slowing down.

Barb: losing mana noob???//?
Sorc: stfu

The sorc turns around an sends a meteor onto the barb's last location, but it's too late. The barb has already spun right into the sorc's weak body, sending it to the ground. He begins retrieving his equipment, his vex rune, and the sorc's um'd Shako, ist'd Occy, and loads of 7%'s.

Sorc: if nething is gone, i'ma orb u till ur ded twice, and then i'm gonna take EVRYTHING!!!1!11!111!11
Barb: Nope, I didn't take anything.

The sorc appears on top of the waypoint, only to see her body in the distance being looted by the barb.

Sorc: Fine, you win.

The sorc disappears, giving the barb plenty of time to reap his rewards. However, only a minute or so later, the barb senses another presence. Not thinking anything of it, he continues reaping the sorc's gear, but not for long. Just as he is finishing untying Tal Rasha's belt, a larger barbarian appears behind him, yelling into the air, smashing into the ground at rates faster than he's ever seen. Locked by the ripples in the ground, he can do nothing but die.

As the barb falls to the ground, he takes all of his gear back, including all of the other barb's gear.

Barb: hahahahahaha lolol noob dats wut u get 4 messin wit my sorc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

As the barb leaves, the other barb, dumbfounded, can only go back through the WP to pick up his naked body on the ground.

[Gdog4evr]

are we all creating alternate endings?

The barbarian waved his hand in an ornate pattern, and the scroll in his hand vanished in a burst of light, as a blue portal opened in front of him. The barbarian stepped through, disappearing, leaving the sorceress standing alone in the field. The sorceress jerked her head towards the portal, as she felt a wave of hostility emanate from her one-time ally. The barbarian burst through the portal, rushing towards the sorceress at break-neck speeds. Stepping backwards calmly, the sorceress unleashed a fury of ice bolts in all directions, just as the barbarian leapt into the air.

The barbarian soared with shocking ease through nothingness, then came down with his axe above his head. The sorceress quickly melted from her position, only to reappear several feet behind the Barbarian when he landed.

And so it began, a match of unequaled skill as the barbarian jumped around like a deranged frog, trying to squash the sorceress. Realizing that he is running out of mana, the barbarian decides to take a risk. He lands, then quickly twirls like a top to where the sorceress is, a mere few feet away. The blade of his axe sinks into the sorceress’ dark skin, but not before the biting cold of her last frozen orb sends him to the hereafter.

The hereafter, ironically, is located in the Rogue Encampment.

“WTF?” the barbarian yells, not comprehending how he had arrived in this place.

“U st00p!d fu|<!!” shouts the sorceress in turn, realizing the truth. The woman turns on her heel and begins running for the exit. The barbarian chases after, as the situation has finally sunk into his head with a heavy thunk. Neither of them notice a strange man all covered in metal is following them.

The barbarian manages to overcome the sorceress with his superior speed, and touches his corpse to instantly retrieve all of his items. He turns and just barely makes it into the air as the sorceress launches a frozen orb at him, since she had used her telekinetic powers to claim her items from further off. Their little game began anew, hopping and teleporting about the field to gain control. Their activities were cut short however, when they both suddenly suffered a massive electrical charge and keeled over on the spot.

“OMG PWN3D!!!” smiled the paladin.

[baal_diablo_mephy]

as the sorc and the barb fight in their long struggle over a vex rune the pally near by had a plan to kill and destroy them at the same time it seemed that the pally was in a clan called the pk clan his real name was PK_JIPPER a well known item stealer.

The barb and the sorc fought with all their might until they both ran out of mana the pally struck with his mighty fist of the heavens the sorc was first killed, then the barb was nearly scared to death and tried to run but was no match for the pallys holy freeze attack and then the pally finished it with his vengence attack, as the barb and sorc looked stunned at their corpses they soon realise that all the fighting made them lose everything..........

[Da1nONLY]

While the Barbarian and Sorceress are arguing outside of town. A Necromancer comes along and attacks them. Killing both of them and taking their items. "Wow...you two really suxxors!" shouted the Necromancer, as he was walking into town. "OMFG!!! U N00b give back my items!!" shouted the Sorceress. A few seconds later the Necromancer vanishes into thin air. "This is all your fault!" shouted the Barbarian. The Barbarian runs to his hidden stash and equips his items and leaves. A message stands in the sky in golden letters 'Diablo Walks The Earth'. "OMFG!!!" thought the Sorceress. "HEY! YOU!" shoutted Diablo. "COMO SE LLAMA?" asked Diablo. "OMG!!! Your Spanish?" the Sorceress asked. Diablo killed her again and again. And they lived Happily Ever After!

[Jazzmosis]

The sorceress and the barbarian argued endlessly about the rune which they both claimed to be in possession of.

Barb: "The rune's mine, b***h I found it."
Sorc: "I'll give you anything for it."

The barb smirked. "I want you."

The sorceress brushed her hair out of her face and stepped back. "You'll get death, you man-*****." She released a fury of Frozen Orbs, each striking the barbarian and slowing his attempted escape.

The barbarian, furious, screamed strange cries and hurled his throwing axes at the sorceress, who avoided the throws easily. However, her teleportation came to a brutal halt as she felt the magic energy within her drain. She tried to drink a potion but accidentally threw it in the air and onto the ground. Watching the barb approach (slowly) she tried to pick the potion up only to grasp useless bolts. She finally grabbed the potion as the barb's cold wore off, only to find out that her inventory was filled. In frustration, she tossed the potion to the ground, shouting into the air, "I am overburdened!"

The barbarian broke into a run, axe raised. "I'll kill you, you.. you.. noob!" He struck the defenseless sorceress only to freeze in position - again.

"Heh - I've got cold armour, idiot." The sorceress chuckled, swinging her orb and knocking the barbarian on the head. However, nothing happened.

"Weak-*ss!" The barbarian taunted.

The sorceress abandoned all reason and bolted, the barbarian making haste once he was unfrozen. However, as they ran through the uncharted territory, They suddenly felt an electric shock. They were repeatedly shocked, from all directions. The sorceress screeched as her inability to teleport proved to be her murderer. The static shock consumed her body and she fell, dead. The barbarian laughed, although obviously weakened.

Suddenly, from the corner of his eye, A figure appeared. It was female, and had long claw-like weapons grasped in her hands. The barbarian turned to defend himself, only to have a clone foe appear behind him. "What trickery is this?"

As the two skilled fighters brought down the massive barbarian fighter, one answered his question. "It's my shadow master you're attacking."

He turned to strike the original, only to have the Shadow Master stab through his back. He too, fell to the ground, life depleated from his body. The assassin smirked as she began to remove the coveted rune and anything of value from the two corpses. "Traps never fail." She thought aloud, disappearing before her two victims could return for their bodies.