View Full Version : Azash (Yes, it's based on me)
Kilroy and Natalie trotted carefully along the road, their eyes alert. It had been a restless day. They had just fought off a pack of Wendigo that had ambushed them near the graveyard, and they hoped they'd be able to avoid any more disturbances that day.
Somewhere, in the distance, a hoarse, shrill voice called out battle orders. The voice was female, and hearing it imbued a slight horror in Kilroy. The young Paladin blinked and turned to Natalie, who was loading her crossbow.
She was a rather beautiful woman, a half-renegade Rogue who had abandoned the longbow and adapted to the increased power of the crossbow. Her eyes were a emerald green, and her long hair was ebony. She was muttering curses under her breath, while her eyes wildly scanned the area. Her new leather armor creaked slightly as she quickly rose and raised the crossbow.
Kilroy glanced at his equipment, an exceptionally well-made suit of studded leather Charsi had made using that old hammer Kilroy and Natalie had found in the old Monastery. Having been stuck without the scrolls they usually relied on to return to the camp, they had had to trek the whole way back, through tunnels and plains.
Suddenly there was a shriek as a group of possessed spearwomen charged in total disorder. The battle orders didn't seem to have been very emphasized on different formations. Kilroy noticed an unusual presence to the side, a very tall archer with a sleek, black longbow. She seemed to be waiting for something to happen.
Realizing he was making a mistake looking around, he looked back towards the charging group, which was now barely ten paces away. He raised his sword and locked his shield arm. It was going to be one of these boring fights again. Suddenly, there was a whistle as the archer's arrow shot away, aiming for Natalie's shoulder. Kilroy saw the arrow head for her, and couldn't do anything.
A burst of light illuminated the air as two characters appeared in the fray; one was a strange, metallic creature with six-inch spikes and razors protruding from it. The other was a medium-height, gaunt man dressed in night-blue, baggy clothing, a plated belt and a cuirass. The cuirass was adorned with a jewel-inset skull, socketed in the middle of the chest. The stranger was wielding a wooden stick with a little skull on it, along with a yellowish demon head on another stick.
The strange man did a sharp, slashing motion with superhuman speed. It hit the arrow and broke it into two pieces. He and the metallic creature suddenly disappeared, reappearing behing the possessed rogues. He started drawing intricate patterns into the air while mumbling a litania in a language Kilroy had never heard.
The battle had frozen when the man appeared, but when he moved away, it began again. Kilroy fought like he was taught, using controlled lunges and feints while parrying with his shield. Meanwhile, the man Kilroy had surmised was a necromancer, continued his chanting, which had risen to a shrill whining, and suddenly he stopped talking completely. He brought down his wand and the strange head he had in his other hand.
The sound was unfathomable, deafening Kilroy as the ground shook, everyone nearby blinded by the great flash of light.
Then it stopped.
All was silent. Everything was white. Kilroy didn't know what happened, nor did he care. Wherever he was, it was so calm. Was it...Heaven...?
---
Slowly, Natalie regained her composure. Blinking, she rose up. There was an annoying peeeeeep sound ringing in her ears. Looking around, she spotted the young Paladin crawling up. He was a rather handsome young man, perhaps twenty. His grey eyes and black hair gave him a sense of brutal authority, but his manner wasn't annoyingly superior; it was rather detached and calculating.
She looked around. The possessed rogues, and the mysterious archer, were all lying on the ground in pools of blood. On a nearby fence sat the mysterious necromancer, whistling some old melody, while absently polishing a mask shaped like a human skull. There were strange, runic markings on his belt. He also wore heavy greaves and chain gloves.
Looking up from his housekeeping, the Necromancer saw their had gotten up.
"Sorry about that bang." The voice was hoarse and silent, one that makes allies respectful and enemies horrified. "I haven't found a way to protect allies rom the flash 'n' sound yet."
"Er.. No problem. What's your name?" Natalie was curious as to who this mysterious power was.
"It's T...It's Azash. Now, would you like something to eat? I hope y' don't mind the fact that I kept you asleep until morning."
"I don't associate with Necromancers." Kilroy seemed rather aggressive against the person who had saved her life, and possibly Kilroy's as well.
Azash's smile was ironic, and his voice amused. "I had heard Zakarum zealots were friendly towards allies..And supposed good party leaders. You know, boy, saviours are to be treated respectfully. It's no matter, as I know of your ridiculous hate towards me and my people, but it's something worth to remember."
Azash took a bite out of a piece of ham he'd dug out of his backpack.
"You know, that spell I used created all this. I think you'll agree I am rather powerful, powerful enough to earn even the respect of Zakarumites."
Natalie looked around. They were standing in a large crater, maybe two hundred paces across.
Nice story. Good job! :thumbsup:
Thanks, best review I've gotten here :victory:
Although this part wasn't very successful..
using that old hammer Kilroy and Natalie had found in the old Monastery.
Yerse, it's a fan fic about old stuff ::grrr::
Here we go then =P
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Kilroy walked along rather sourly. Although Azash had proven very helpful, saving Natalie's life, he still couldn't shake away that nagging feeling that necromancers are priests of evil. It had been carefully grounded into him ever since he was eight, when he began his Paladin training. He knew that Azash was less evil than most Paladins, and much more intelligent to boot. But still that one thought loomed in his mind, somewhere in the outer reaches of his awareness, refusing to disappear.
"Methinks we should use transporters to advance to the monastery."
Azash' voice was slightly more human now, less raspier, a little louder, and somewhat crispier.
"We can't, you know. They aren't functioning." Natalie had been slightly put off by the fact. Although it was irritating that it took so much longer to travel this way, Kilroy realized it had been rather useful. His combat experience was limited to battles against training partners, everybody using standardized strategies and attacks. However, raving Fallen and possessed Rogues hardly knew anything about the use of weapons, let alone understood anything about feints and Parry-pas-fours.
"They are now, seeing as I killed the person responsible."
"Who has power to stop transports? They're among the most powerful objects made by the Mage Orders!" Kilroy was abashed to learn there actually was anyone capable.
"Srangi, one of the Lesser Evils. That's the tall lady with the longbow who tried to kill Natalie yesterday." Azash turned his head slightly and glanced at her.
Something about that look gave reason to a slight twinge of jealousness within Kilroy. Azash turned towards him.
"Don't worry. It's not like I'm interested in Natalie, so you can relax." He turned back to Natalie. "No offense intended. I merely am interested in someone else." But a smile had slowly appeared on Natalie's face and she glowed at Kilroy. "Really?" Azash nodded, and then looked at Kilroy again. "Allow me to increase your knowledge: She has it for you too." He gazed away from both of them, towards one of those countless stone walls. "There's a peculiar stone in that wall. I'd imagine examining it will take at least half an hour. I believe you two should be able to have a conversation while I'm conducting my geological studies." There was just the merest hint of mock interest in his voice as he grinned widely at them and set off for the wall.
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Kilroy swung the sword sideways once and cut the undead down. The remaining one flew backwards as a large bone spike pierced it through the chest.
"That should do it." Azash put the wand and gargoyle head under his belt. Suddenly, his expression became alarmed and panicked. "No!" His voice was scarcely more than a whisper. "It can't be!" Then he started weaving his fingers in intricate patterns while muttering under his breath. Silently, Kilroy braced himself for whatever mass destruction would follow.
There was no explosion, just an ethereal sigh as a specter appeared in front of Azash. It was the figure of a bearded man with a wolf pelt around his shoulders, the head acting as a helmet. The voice was deep, rich, and furious. "Azash! Come at once! He's moving, and we need them" -- The druid pointed at the baffled Paladin and Rogue -- "as well!" Azash looked stricken. "At once, brother!"
He turned quickly towards Kilroy. "The axe, Kilroy! Give me that Lochaber I asked you to hold! The one we found in the Monastery dungeons earlier!" Kilroy quickly opened the fastenings on the lochaber, which was attached to Kilroy's backpack, and handed it to Azash. The necromancer quickly threw it to the ground, pointed at it, and yelled "Rise!". There was a flash as it transformed into that spiky creature Azash had had with him when they first met him. "Let's go!" Azash clapped his hands together.
Everything blurred momentarily, and they reappeared in a desert valley. Surrounding it were a multitude of tall buildings. The one nearest to them shook slightly.
Kilroy was puzzled by the ominous quivering of the giant building. "Where are we? What's that building? Why's it shaking?" Azash looked grim. "Valley of Kings. Grave of Tal Rasha. Baal's coming out."
Kilroy and Natalie looked at Azash, then at each other, then at the huge crypt. Coming out of it were several people, barbarians, mages, sorceresses, druids, and many more. One of them, Kilroy noted, was that druid they'd just seen.
Then something huge came out of it. It was like a giant, rearing maggot with scorpion pincers. "Is that Baal?!" Kilroy was frightened beyond what he knew was possible. "No. Duriel. Blast it! We're too late!" Azash hit his fist into the ground, straightened, then raised his wand and gargoyle head.
"Moloch! Get yourselves out of there, and come here!" A tall, gangly necromancer in a billowing black robe and a sky-blue robe gave the thumbs-up and roared some orders. He then ran towards Azash, Kilroy and Natalie at an incredible speed. Noticing Natalie's truly baffled look, he pointed at his boots. "Increased speed", he muttered as he came to a halt next to them.
Azash had that peculiar skull-shaped mask on. "Ready?" Moloch nodded. They raised their wands, Azash also holding his gargoyle head, while Moloch additionally held up a skull that had been adorned with jewels, runic and tribal symbols, and feathers.
The two necromancers started mumbling some spell at a truly fascinating speed. The demon noticed, and started to advance towards them. Natalie started firing crossbow bolts at it in vain. Kilroy, however, was dumbfounded, and started praying.
Natalie rolled her eyes, but didn't object. She knew he couldn't do anything while keeping at a distance. She heard him mutter "...And, lest I have failed the light, I pray that ye shalt help me rain thunder on this hell-spawned foe." He then clanked his visor down, pointed his sword at the demon, and hollered "Begone!" in a voice that wasn't his; it was filled with might, sounding like the rumbling of thunder.
What truly shocked Natalie, however, was the fact that a huge bolt of electricity shot out of Kilroy's sword, hitting the demon and stopping it in it's tracks. The creature twisted in agony. He hollered again, a lightning bolt shot at the demon again, and it was agonized again. It kept on for a long while. Suddenly Azash and Moloch spoke in unison.
"Brother, we ask ye to allow us to finish the banishment of this cruelest demon of the underworld. It shalt be returned to the jaws of despair of the Burning Hells." They looked sternly at Duriel. "Begone!"
There was a rumble as the earth opened, flames spewing out of a fissure that opened under Duriel. Slowly, the creature fell into it, and the earth shut itself again. Duriel was once again confined to the torture that is Hell.
"It is done." There was a certain thriumph to Azash's raspy voice. "And never shall it be undone." Moloch had a certain firmness to it, but likewise, he seemed to share Azash's exultance.
Kilroy sank to his knees and clapped his hands together. "Thank God."
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Did you know? All persons featured here are my characters from Diablo II :lol:
Could I get some reviews here?
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"You never knew it works that way?"
Cordón took a sip from his tankard. He was just a few years older than Kilroy, but already a legend among Zakarumites. He had entered Paladin training at the age of eight. Although he wasn't allowed to begin combat training until much later, at seventeen, he had spent those nine years of theological and theoretical studies training with two-handed swords on his free time. This had been slightly frowned on by the council, who encouraged the practice of the sword and shield(although a scepter was a favourable weapon as well).
Cordón was clad in a strange type of armor he called "ancient armor". On his back hung a huge Zweihander sword. Kilroy had met Cordón once before, in a training match. Through his years of training, Cordón was capable of dealing fast, controlled blows. Kilroy had never understood how anyone had the capabilities of using a two-hander like that, not until he asked Cordón about it. Cordón simply replied: "Shorter blade than usual, balanced at the hilt, and an aura to help make things easier."
He put down his tankard and looked sternly at Kilroy. "Who was your trainer when you were in the combat school?"
"Belliers. Why?"
"I suspected as much. He was probably the best trainer when we were schooled." Cordón absently rapped his fingers against his tankard, then signalled the barmaid to bring him another. "You see, an aura's just a prayer."
"Yeah, I knew that already."
"Right. But whatever auras you use depend strongly on what kind of person you are." Cordón had gotten a slightly wooden, instructional edge to his voice.
"Because everybody's prayers are different?"
"Exactly. You will also learn to activate auras quicker. For example, that lightning aura of yours took roughly ten to fifteen seconds to get. With training, you only need a single word to activate auras. Resist." He went over to the fireplace and stuck his hand in it. After a minute, he pulled it out. His gauntlet was shining red. "See? As you get more proficient, you'll also get stronger auras. Where's that drink?"
Kilroy looked around. The bar was a shabby place, with a few small tables and a long one. At one table, Moloch was talking animatedly with Azash about some boots he'd found in the crypt earlier the same day. At the longer table, Natalie was having a discussion with a few Amazons. At the other end of the long table, a few rowdy barbarians and a mage were getting drunk, with the druid, whose picture Azash had summoned, snoring loudly next to them. The barkeeper was a friendly-looking, slightly overweight chap whose daughters served as barmaids.
Cordón had managed to cool off his gauntlet by sticking it into a water basin the barkeeper had brought him. Kilroy looked back at him. "That two-hander of yours..Did the Council ever accept it?"
Cordón looked disgusted. "The whole Council's corrupted. We recently found out they're serving Mephisto."
Kilroy choked on his watery beer. "What?!"
Cordón nodded. "There are whole throngs of pole-arm and two-hander specialists there nowadays. Anyways, I'm going to sleep. You should, too. It'll be a long day tomorrow."
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The next morning, Moloch gathered them up and told them their missions for today. Kilroy was still a bit uncertain about the nature of this group, but the thing he was certain of was that they all were fighting the Prime Evils.
"Azash, Natalie, Kilroy and Cordón -- you handle Andariel. Chalva, Bestia, Wulfgar -- The Smith.."
"Moloch, must you speak so loudly?" The druid's voice was slightly whining as he sat on the ground, holding his head in his arms.
"It's your own fault, Bestia."
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"Azash, what is this group we seem to have joined?" Natalie seemed curious about that, too.
"Simple. I suppose I can explain it to you here, before we leave. When the Dark Exile began -- That's when the lesser Evils threw Diablo, Mephisto and Baal out of Hell -- the gods of all races chose their own champions. We are those champions. For example, you are an Amazon --"
"How did you know?" Natalie was stunned.
"We Necromancers are attuned to spirits. Your spirit tells me everything about you. Anyways, I was saying, you are one of the people chosen by Karcheus and the others. Kilroy and Cordón were chosen by the Light. I and Moloch were chosen by Trag'Oul, and so on."
"That's a blasphemy!" Kilroy was angered by Azash' speech.
"No, it isn't. it's time you outgrow your religious madness, Kilroy." Cordón sounded very stern.
R&R!
--
"What do you mean?" Kilroy was baffled at his friends reaction.
"I mean that our God isn't the only one. Well..Let's argue this later. We're supposed to get Andariel, you know. Shall we resume our divine mission?" Cordón grinned ironically as he walked towards the transporter. "Come on."
There was a faint blur; a slight vision of hazy grey as they were instantly moved to the Monastery. Kilroy looked around to investigate. Azash was doing the same, and his sudden, sharp intake of breath was clearly audible. Instead of his wand and gargoyle head, he was wielding a morning star. He raised his head and whispered defiantly: "I was wondering where you were hiding, Champion of Diablo."
There was a laugh from behind a corner; it was definitely not a normal man. The laugh was maniacal, mirthless, and slightly despaired. Then it was gone, as a man leapt out from behind the corner. He was medium-height and of robust build. He was dressed in a light plate, chain boots and light gauntlets. In his hand he held a long war scythe with an iron shaft. On his face he had a tight-fitting silver mask, shaped like a skull. It looked very peculiar, leaving most of the cheeks bare because of it's shape. The eyes were pulsing, red slits, more like abysses of evil than any ordinary eyes. The voice was strangely distorted as he spoke.
"Greetings, Azash. I am Bonesplit, Diablo's Champion." He made a mock bow, then grimaced. "I'm afraid us demons have such strange names. We sound like weapons." He shrugged. "Speaking of which, we probably are weapons. Enough of that, let's fight!" With a roar, Bonesplit thrust his war scythe at Natalie. It hit.
She only made a slight gurgle as Bonesplit effortlessly lifted her into the air, grinned widely at Kilroy, then swung the war scythe into the walls of the courtyard. There was a shriek and a billowing cloud of dust as the wall collapsed on Natalie. Laughing, he turned back. That was all he had time to do, as a dagger came whistling through the air. It hit him in the forearm. Bonesplit sneered. "Bad throw, Azash." Then he twitched slightly. "Oh no...Kurim?" Azash nodded. "Yes. I think you deserve it." Bonesplit gave another twitch, just a slight one, but still noticeable. "And didn't she deserve it? Had she not killed countless of my kin? Think of that, Azash. And run. It may take days, but I'll be back..I'll come for you. And never shall you rest!" There was a slight shimmer, and he disappeared in a burst of flame.
Kilroy, who had run towards Natalie during the conversation, had dug Natalie out from the rubble. "Natalie! Natalie!" Azash gruffly pulled him off her limp body. "She'll live." Not understanding, Kilroy hit him and continued to sob over her. "She's still alive, Kilroy." Azash looked grim. "When Bonesplit killed her, her spirirt was freed. We just need to heal the body, and then we can shove her spirit back inside her."
"We can?" Kilroy had stopped weeping. Azash nodded. "Let's get a healing aura to help me. Up for it?" It was Kilroy's turn to nod. Then he began to pray silently. There was a flash of light as the aura was activated. Smiling, Azash put his arm on Natalie's forehead and started recanting. The wound was healing very rapidly, and in a matter of seconds, it was gone. He spoke out liud. "You're needed here." In the blink of an eye, Moloch was there. "Can't you four do anything properly?" He was grinning. "Let's do this then." They dug out their Necromancer peripherals and started muttering.
It was not long before Natalie opened her eyes. She looked critically at Azash.
"You should've aimed for the heart."
Gdog4evr
09-06-2004, 00:07
Well, the story isn't horrible, but I'm gonna have to dish out some general negativity as a warning:
Azash (Yes, it's based on me)
Does anybody else smell that? Smells like...Gary Stu! Gary Stu and Mary Sue are your enemies, and they must be slain before they even begin. Very few people can do a Mary Sue well, so be fore warned that you're walking on thin ice.
In case you don't know, a Mary Sue (or the later coined Gary Stu for the masculine version) is a (bad) form of fiction. Basically, the author(ess) inserts themselves into the story and is generally perfect and well liked and always has the answers and has a whimsical name (like Hope Sky or Everlasting Splendor) and is a friggin' pain to read. Since this story is a self insertion, it is automatically in Gary Stu land. For more information on Mary Sues, go here. (http://www.subreality.com/marysue.htm)
"You know, that spell I used created all this. I think you'll agree I am rather powerful, powerful enough to earn even the respect of Zakarumites."
Natalie looked around. They were standing in a large crater, maybe two hundred paces across.
Remember what I said about walking on thin ice before? Now you're tap dancing on it. Don't make your in-story incarnation uber powerful and perfect. Granted, Azash isn't perfect (he says he can't "protect allies (f)rom the flash 'n' sound yet."), but his power is far to immense.
Azash turned his head slightly and glanced at her.
Something about that look gave reason to a slight twinge of jealousness within Kilroy. Azash turned towards him.
"Don't worry. It's not like I'm interested in Natalie, so you can relax." He turned back to Natalie. "No offense intended. I merely am interested in someone else." But a smile had slowly appeared on Natalie's face and she glowed at Kilroy.
Yes yes, very sweet scene. Except now Azash has known the other two main characters for a total of 30 minutes and he knows everything about them and just what to say to bring them together. Anyone who knows that much information would have been assassinated by the government (Cuz‘ he knows far to much).
"Really?" Azash nodded, and then looked at Kilroy again.
A grammatical note for this one: Who says "Really?" and to who? It seems out of place and I can't make any sense out of it.
He gazed away from both of them, towards one of those countless stone walls. "There's a peculiar stone in that wall. I'd imagine examining it will take at least half an hour. I believe you two should be able to have a conversation while I'm conducting my geological studies."
Ok, that was cool, but it almost has to much style. Just thought you should know you're pushing the limits on 'coolness' for your char. Although I might just be bitter that we never get to hear the conversation, or even get any details about the non-existent peculiar stone.
He hollered again, a lightning bolt shot at the demon again, and it was agonized again. It kept on for a long while.
First line, bad repetition. Second line, bad writing. Try to think of a better way to describe it.
As for why no one has responded to your story, it's probably because either
a) The boards have been a bit dead since the last crash or
b) They saw the title of your thread and went "Ah! Mary Sue, run!". Seriously, the only person around here who has made a Mary Sue and made it excellent is An'yee.
I think with this starting you off and the above site as a guide, you can tone down your character and be able to write a good story. Your writing skills and grammar are certainly within the limits of good taste (IE, better than 50% of the pickings available from fanfiction.net, and better than 75% of the ones that are Mary Sues), so I would recommend continuing to practice and hone your abilities further.
All right, answers first =P
1. About "über-Azash": The idea was to make the main characters start out as complete dolts and slowly get them up to that "über" point, but I was thinking of doing that later on.
2. Same thing as above, and I'd be pretty..Er.. Mad at whoever would start going on like "I don't associate with Necromancers."
3. It's something I just made up for this story..
Your spirit tells me everything about you.
It's a bit moronic, I'll admit to that. But that's why it's called fiction. :innocent:
4. I tend to mix that up. This is gonna be hard to explain..
If it's
Kilroy tapped his leg. "Really?" Azash nodded.
Then it's Kilroy who's talking. But if it's "Azash didn't seem to understand" or something, then it's Azash who's talking.. :scratch: I can't even explain it myself. You'll just have to rely on logic here. :uhhuh:
5. Yup..You might be right..It's just this type of sarcastic innocence I sometimes use when I talk to people.
6. Dear God. I have to start re-reading my fics.
Gdog4evr
09-06-2004, 19:49
I'm glad you took my advise passively, I was worried I'd been a bit harsh. However, it may be good, for futre refrence, to quote what you're responding to; it took me a bit to understand everything you meant :)
About "über-Azash": The idea was to make the main characters start out as complete dolts and slowly get them up to that "über" point, but I was thinking of doing that later on.
Woa, like they lose strength every time they fight, and then they have to earn it back? Dude, that's a pretty sweet concept:
"This is the story of a B-netter who created a new character. This new character was instantly level 99. This seemed pretty cool at first, but for every battle fought, the character would loose experience and sometimes drop down a level. Around level 97 the guy decided to keep him as PVP, and all was joyousness and dancing."
Ok, maybe not the BEST concept, but sounds interesting.
tend to mix that up. This is gonna be hard to explain..
If it's
Kilroy tapped his leg. "Really?" Azash nodded.
Then it's Kilroy who's talking. But if it's "Azash didn't seem to understand" or something, then it's Azash who's talking.. I can't even explain it myself. You'll just have to rely on logic here.
Problem being that it defies logic. Just create a new paragraph for every new speaker; 400 thousand writers can't be wrong! Often...
Dear God. I have to start re-reading my fics.
That goes without saying chief, EVERYONE should re-read their own work :)
space_loner
10-07-2004, 21:47
not bothering to read the stories, but...
Is "Azash" based on one Elder God of the Styrics people, in the book series the Elenium (The Diamond Throne, The Ruby Knight, The Sapphire Rose) and made occasional mentionings in the sequal trilogy the Tamuli (Domes of Fire, The Shining Ones, The Hidden City), author David/Leigh Eddings?
I just have two small things.
1) Had to use the name Wulfgur, didn't you?
2) The 4 Lesser Evils are Duriel, Andariel, Azmodan and Belial. You really shouldn't invent a new one. Changing Srangi into a powerful Demon, a direct underluitenant of Belial or Azmodan, would work so much better, simply for story accuracy purposes. (If you have read Warlord of Blood, think Xazax)...which would also explain why nobody has heard of her before...
skilledlord
22-07-2004, 10:31
i enjoyed it quite a bit, good job.
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