The Creature Gazette!

[Project_Xii]

OK, this is an ongoing 'story' that's been doing very well on the Fan Fiction Forum at Battle.net for awhile now.
It's definitely a satirical look at the world of Diablo II, and i don't know how you's will react, but hopefully you'll get a laugh or two. And yes, it does sort of follow the story line and quests, but hopefully not in a way you've read before.
Oh, and please don't accuse me of copying The Sanctuary Times from DiabloII.net, i've tried to keep my articles as different from that as possible. Enjoy :wave:


The Creature Gazette!
Issue #1

A Welcome from the Deaditor

Welcome to the very first issue of The Creature Gazette! – the news print made by monsters, for monsters. Every week we’ll be working around the clock to bring you the latest on what’s happening in the world of Sanctuary.

Find out the hip trendy places to wine, dine and slaughter. Discover new places to travel, and learn where to find the lands best entertainment.
Your subscriptions are valued and respected, and we’ll be sure to deliver, once a week, at your cave entrance, allowing you just enough time to catch up on the goss before going out and wreaking havoc on all things good.

Yours in Devilry,
The Deaditor.


Party in the Den of Evil – Cancelled!

Bishibosh would like to say thanks to everyone who RSVP’ed to the large party he was planning in the Den of Evil, but unfortunately, it has been cancelled.

The party was going to be for the Dens host, Corpsefire, celebrating his first 40 years of unlife. Creatures had assembled from as far away as the Tamoe Highlands to help with the planning, and have spent the past week busily decorating the cave walls in the usual party festivities. But, to the dismay of the party enthusiasts, a small band of humans rudely crashed in and began slaughter everyone.

This type of thing happens often, as you may know, and usually it can be overlooked. However, this particular bunch of humans seemed completely uncivilized. Not only did they not wipe their feet upon entry, they found it highly amusing to burst the bladder balloons, rip all the intestine streamers from the ceiling, and steal the gifts meant for Corpsefire.
To add insult to injury, one happened to remark on “how stupid we monsters are for hoarding all our treasures in one area.”

“It woz all sut” whimpered an unhappy zombie who survived the
attack, “Bat blod, testi-torches, Rogue-on-tha-Stick… it woud haf bun perfuct. Thoz oomans reck everythung.”

Among the casualities was Corpsefire himself, chopped clean in half by a humans axe. Shaman were able to help revive him, but he was extremely upset over the whole ordeal.
“I’d follow them to the ends of the earth… if I could just find my lower half” he stated.

Any further celebrations have been put off indefinitely, as the same band of humans has been advancing on Bishibosh’s camp since the party raid, making him far to nervous to plan anything in the near future.
Our thoughts and sins go out to him, in hope he and his Fallen can bring a swift and grisly end to the odious party crashers.


Also in the news this week:

Blood Ravens Commands Fall Upon Dead Ears

Blood Raven, the recently corrupted Captain of the Rogues, met her end today when her own minions refused to assist her.

Blood Raven had spent the past half a month in the Graveyard, raising her own personal army from the remains of those buried there. Most new recruits were happy to be given a new lease on death, but they soon became disgruntled with their new leader’s employee relations.

“She was always so demanding; Go here and kill that, go there and smash this. Never a please or thank you” a Skeleton minion quoted (kindly translated by our Gazette-Necro – he may be human, but he’s the only one that can understand these boney gits).

“And we were never allowed to eat what we caught” said another. “We had to drag everybody we killed back to her to be made into another undead worker.”

Upon studying the “Undead Employment Oppurtinites Agreement”, Creature Gazette! found Blood Raven also violated many basic laws:

• Denied any benefits and/or long term rewards.

• No over-time or over-kill payments – employees were expected to work any time, and whenever Blood Raven demanded upon punishment of dispelling.

• No holiday time, sick leave or annual leave was offered at all.

• Promotion prospects were non-existent.

• Employees were expected to work in an extremely high danger environment, with no insurance available.

This all came to a head today, when a lone Amazon wandered into the Graveyard at around sun down. Needless to say the army was none to enthusiastic about obeying Blood Raven’s commands.

“My army will destroy you!” she shouted in glee, only to turn and see her employees lazing about the grave stones, picking scabs and scratching eye sockets. A second cry resulted in dismissive mumblings, and by that time the Amazon and been alerted by the noise and skewered Blood Raven with 20 or so arrows.

Her funeral service will be held tomorrow in the graveyard, practically where she fell. As very few monsters said they’d come, our Creature Gazette! reporter went out to get some first hand opinions on what they thought of the short time captain of the undead army:

“Rak? Rakky rak rak. Rakker... mmm Raka. Rakinishu!!” – Rakinishu, Stony Field.

“Blo-o-o-o-d Raven? She was b-a-a-a-ad. We n-o-o-o-o like her – Goatman, Stony Field

“I knew she was evil from the start, even before she got corrupted. I mean, who wears red shoes with bow? Like, hello! Evil here. Read the warning signs. If that’s not evil, I don’t know what is. Well, maybe Charsi’s nails. Now there’s someone who…” Alyssa, Rogue, Rogue Encampment.

“GET AWAY FROM MY TREE!” – Treehead Woodfist, Dark Woods.


Community Warning!

Quill Rats; once the cuddly pet choice for every happy home owner, they have now gone wild with rage and will attack anyone and anything within their range.
If you have an innate fear of large-rat sized pin cushions, hurling lethal 1 inch projectiles at your ankles, we advise giving the Rogue Monastery and surrounding plains a miss off your holiday list this year.

Those of you seeking to exterminate the little critters, be warned! They have the amazing ability of being able to conceal large objects entirely from view, such as 7 foot long Halberds. Approach with caution – they may be more dangerous then you think.
This has been a community warning.

Buy next weeks issue for these exciting articles:
• Bishibosh and the Party Poopers – Party Revenged?
• Treehead Woodfist shows his warm and fuzzy side.
• Tristram – You’ll never guess how we’ve made it over.

[Project_Xii]

The Creature Gazette!
Issue #2

What a week of drama it’s been! Battles, portals, and even a possible celebrity wedding? Delve deep into the news from Sanctuary today. First up:


Party Poopers Now Fallen Poo, But at a Price…

Yes, the evil humans that crashed last weeks party took on and lost against Bishibosh’s proud camp of Fallen.

In the wee hours of the morn, two days ago, the ‘uninvited guests’ finally got up the guts to advance on the camp at last. Bishibosh was well prepared, but the fighting was fast and vicious. They held their ground until it became apparent that the battle was not going their way.

It was then that Bishibosh himself took his staff and faced the humans one-on-one. There, he unleashed a powerful self-destruction spell, which saw him and the remaining humans blasted into a fiery ball of entrails.

We at the Creature Gazette! tip our horns to the selfless leader of the Fallen Tribes. A single Fallen had this to say:
>Sniff< “He always wanted to go out with bang.” (Deaditors note: Fallen have never been known for their skilled sense of humor).

Tonight there will be a huge feast put on to honor his departure, consisting mainly of the humans remains and possibly even Bishibosh himself.
“All meaty chunks look the same to us” said a minion Shaman, “and besides, it’s what Bishibosh would have wanted.”

On a different note, tomorrow heralds the start of what will be a hellish scramble to choose the new Fallen Leader, and also Head Party Organizer. See next weeks issue to find out the details on “Cold Plains Idol”.


And now to celebrity news :

Treehead Woodfist: Intolerant, Insane… In Love?

Treehead Woodfist has long been a Creature Gazette! favorite. His strange attachment to that tree and constant assaults on anything that comes near it always keeps us entertained and full of laughable stories to report. However, a strange turn of events has recently showed the land a whole different side to the big furry beastie.

On the third day of this week, a Druid attempted to find out why Treehead guarded his tree so ferociously. The great Brute was just about to snap the man like a twig, when he suddenly noticed the large Grizzly Bear accompanying him:
“It was the weirdest thing.” The Druid said, “One minute it looked like he was about to kill me, next minute; he was purring all over my bear, Nibbles. Fleas jumped, fur flew – I guess it was love at first sight!”

Nibbles and Treehead have nary been a day apart since then, spending much of their time wandering through the Dark Woods together, swatting Black Raptors and cuddling Quill Rats (at their own risk).

Our Gazette reporter managed to have a word with them:
“I’ve changed. I’m a new beast!” Treehead said. “The tree? I don’t care about it any longer. Who needs knotholes when you’ve got a beautiful lady like this!”
Nibbles grunted, growled and then farted, which the Druid said meant something along the lines of “I’m happy too.”

The Druid was also rather pleased about the turn out.
“I found these weird markings on the tree; real physical proof of Treehead’s affinity for the knotholes. They’ll make great blackmail material should he ever hurt Nibbles. Oh, and there was something about creating a path or portal there as well… I don’t know, I was just going to give it away back at the camp.”

Neither of the two new lovers have mentioned a date, but we feel pretty sure there are wedding drums in the air.
See next weeks issue for more celebrity goss.


And in travel news this week:

Tristram – Open and Operational!

At last the humans have done something worthwhile. Following a recent discovery of symbols on Treehead Woodfists tree, the humans managed to open a portal to the long lost town of Tristram.

Family and fiends are all welcome to attend the opening of the Tristram Fun Park, which was rehauled this week in a massive effort by everyone involved. It has been painstakingly prepared to help both educate this months generation of demons on “where it all began” as well as provide some entertainment on the side.

Entrance fee is four pieces of human equipment. We don’t care what, but plate armor is not desired.
*Notice to the Quill Rats – We don’t need any more Polearms. Thank you.*
Such attractions include:

• Bobbing for Skulls – The bottom of the river flowing near the town’s edge is full of carcasses from the town’s initial slaughter. Can you find the skull with the prize in it?

• Pepiñata – Old Pepin the Healer human may be worse for wear, but that won’t deter us from hanging him from a tree and letting the littlies beat him with a stick. Hit him hard enough and you might find a candy! (Usually in the form of a kidney or eyeball).

• 1-on-1 with Grissy – Feeling tough? Then step into the ring with our newest zombie attraction, Griswold! the ex-blacksmith of the town. Being dead has really pissed him off, and he’s willing to fight to the re-death with the first thing he sees. Will you be able to survive once that blindfold is removed?

• Haunted House – Parents advised to accompany their little terrors for this one. Walk through the rooms of a slightly-less-burned human house, and see what they do when demons aren’t watching. Such displays as ‘the bed’ and ‘Spoon!!!!’ may be considered unsuitable for demons below the age of 7 (weeks).

• Fun with Farnam – This particular human wasn’t slain by us. Our park scientists believe a substance called “booze” killed him way for we arrived, and he’s been sitting mummified for the past few months. Young and old will enjoy throwing hard objects at him in an attempt to knock him from sitting position and win a prize. Choose from a bottle (one of the many we found lying around him), rock or ‘large unpleasant spiky thing’ as your throwing tool.

And this weekend only, come and sample the “Frank-Wirt Hotdog”. We guarantee you’ll be feeling greedier after just one.


Letters to the Deaditor and the Personals

Dear Deaditor,
Sorry I couldn’t send in my article on ‘Wine and Sacrifice’ but my ‘pen’ ran out of ‘ink’ half way through. They just don’t make virgins with enough blood these days. Probably have to use another two or three before I finish writing.
Anyways sweetie, sorry about the inconvenience. Next week, definite. Ciao.
The Countess.

Personal – Misshapen Beast seeks attractive female. Must like hanging out in dark, cold, damp caves. Preferably has her own hunch, and keeps drooling to a minimum. Bad breath and other foul smelling body odors is a plus: the cave roof is full of bats that really need to be gotten rid of.
If interested, contact;
‘Garry the Grotesque’, second level of ‘The Cave’.
P.S. Please note it is ‘The Cave’, not ‘The Pit’, or ‘The Hole’. It can get confusing.


Hack into next weeks issue to find the juicy bits in these articles:
• Celebrity Weddings – Will Treehead and Nibbles tie the flesh-knot?
• Dining with the Countess – Find out which wines go best with that afternoons sacrifice leftovers.
• “Cold Plains Idol”. Read what it takes to become Leader of the Fallen Clans, and see if you could be a possible candidate.
• ‘The Smith’ meets ‘Ms. Anderson’ – Is this a tall tale about the Smiths triumph over the Rogues blacksmith, and how he came to own the legendary Horadric Malus? You’ll have to read and decide…

[Project_Xii]

The Creature Gazette!
Issue #3

It’s been a busy time for all in the Plains this week; what with the first rounds of “Cold Plains Idol” well underway, Treehead and Nibbles announcing their engagement, and two special articles from both The Countess and The Smith, we’ve barely had room to fit it all in.
First up, the most awaited article since last week’s issue;

“Could You Be the Next Cold Plains Idol?”

Yes, it’s the biggest thing since sliced brain! Demons, beasts and the Undead have crawled out of their murky holes from as far off as Kurast to take part in this massive event.

Following the feast in Bishiboshs name, his minions set about preparing the whole Cold Plains area to receive the thousands of participants, who will be fighting it out for the title of Leader of the Fallen Tribes.

As being leader takes more then just the ability to maim and massacre, there will be a number of events that each monster must pass if they want a chance at winning. These include:

• The Treasure Hoarding Challenge – No good leader would neglect finding and stealing the best pieces of treasure he comes across. In this challenge, creatures will be required to scurry about and find the various items hidden around the Plains. However, only a small majority of these are worth keeping, so participants must have a keen eye for quality. Stealing from others is allowed - if not encouraged - as is fighting to the death should they be caught in that act. Winners will be judged on how much treasure they found/stole, and how precious the items are considered to be.

• Screeching in the Rain – Doesn’t necessarily take place in the rain, but the event organizer was proud of its name and refused to change it. This event will test a monsters ability to scream, screech, caterwaul, and growl their favorite ‘round the bonfire’ tunes. Participants will be judged on their varying pitch, degree of ‘cringe inducement’, and inventiveness when it comes to adding notes that previously did not exist in the tune.
(“I learnt this one from my pet Dune Leaper!” – Failed Saber Cat contestant)
Making the judges eardrums bleed is a guaranteed plus.

• Fashion Display – A true leader knows ‘slick threads’ when he sees them. Creatures will be required to don their favorite outfits and walk along the designer runway. Human-skin is very in this year, with some of the more shapely monsters opting for groin/butt coverings 1 inch higher then the usual fashion. Special awards will include “Best Dressed”, “Most Hideously Dressed” and “Most Creative Use of Human Appendages”.

Many more trials are also running, but you will have to see for yourselves. If you think you would be ace at the above tests and anything else they can throw at you, take some time to complete the checklist provided in this weeks issue of the Creature Gazette!, before running down there, making a fool of yourself and getting chewed out by the judges. Literally.
Good Luck!


“Cold Plains Idol” – Checklist

1. I am of Demonic/Beastly ancestry. Yes No

2. I have an unquenchable thirst for the destruction of every living human in the land. Yes No

3. I own at least one (1) outfit that has not been mutilated in any kind of warfare. Yes No

4. I have at least one (1) interesting and unique fetish, other then slaughtering humans. Yes No

5. I, myself, am not a Fetish (or a Ratman, Flayer or Soul Killer) Yes No

6. I agree to the fact that if, in the highly likely event that I do not get picked as the “Cold Plains Idol” winner, I will not go on a vengeful slaughter-fest and kill any of my fellow competitors or the judges, and will suffer the appropriate punishment if I break this rule. Yes No



Celebrity news now:

Treehead and Nibbles to Wed!

It’s official. Treehead and his new found love - the Grizzly Bear, Nibbles - are to be married on the second day of next week.

The couple announced this yesterday upon their return from a week long vacation in the Black Marsh.
“It was an amazing holiday” Treehead said. “I really feel like I’m ready to settle down. Get a cave on my own, some nice human-leather couches. Perhaps even the pitter patter of little clawed feet on the clay floor…”
Nibbles yawned, licked her teeth, and then chewed at the hair between her toes, which Treehead said meant “Me too.”

The wedding will be planned and prepared by “Coldcrow and The Countess’s Catering”. These two vile women are renowned for their work; Coldcrow doing a splendid decoration and colour scheme, The Countess making food and wine that you could just die for.
“It’s going to be a huge task, and with so many creatures over here for ‘Cold Plains Idol’ it’s sure to be the biggest celebrity do ever!” Coldcrow stated.

Details on how it goes next week in a very special monogamous Creature Gazette! issue.

Guest Articles

Article #1: The Smith – Getting Hammered in the Rogue Barracks

I’ve had my eyes on the Rogues for some time, particularly their Blacksmith. Miss Charsi Anderson; self proclaimed “best smith in the land”. I had been willing to show her how wrong she was for many a year, but I was always to busy… at home with my… cooking. I was never afraid though! And if anyone suggests that I was I will DESTROY them and turn them into a very nice torch holder for my work shed.

Anyway, when I heard there was a revolt at the Monastery, I thought it was about time I went down there and faced this so called ‘best smith’ one-on-one; human woman to large, handsome demon!

I waded in there, cutting down hundreds of Rogues with my own hammer. So in awe were they of my rippling muscles and toned buttocks (so I don’t wear pants, do you have a problem with that? If so I will DESTROY you!), they couldn’t even find the breath to pull back their bows.

I charged into the Barracks and there stood my challenger.
“Ah, Ms. Anderson. So nice to finally meet you” I said in a voice that made smaller demons around me quake with fear.
“Smith!” she said. The look on her face suggested she’d obviously heard about my legendary abilities. Or perhaps it was the fact that I wasn’t wearing any pants... hmmm…

“You think you’re the best blacksmith in the land? Ha! Hand over your malus now and maybe I’ll refrain from making you into a nice leather hand bag for… umm… my wife.” I boomed.
“Never!” she shouted. “I AM the best blacksmith in the land, and you’re not married!”

With that we dived into battle, which incidentally had a lot of stylish leaping, kicking and bouncing off walls by me. There was even a spectacular scene where I dodged a few dozen knives she threw at me by bending over backwards.
But in the end, she knew she was bested.

“Oh please, mighty and skillful Smith, I am no match for you. Here, take my malus, as I am not fit to bare it any longer.”
“Very well,” I said, “I shall be merciful and spare your life, for I am wise as well as handsome.”

And that is how I came to own the Horadric Malus, and became the best blacksmith in the land. Not that I already wasn’t, but now I have no competition.
And every word of it is true! Anyone who denies it, and says I came in after all the Rogues had run away and found the Malus lying on an anvil in the Barracks, is a liar and I will DESTROY them!
I really need a new pair of leather shoes to go with that hand ba… hey, you! Scribe beast! Stop taking down what I’m saying. Stop right now or I will DEST…

The Smith

Guest Article #2: The Countess – Wine and Sacrifice

Hello darlings, Countess here to help with all your special occasion food needs. As you may know, Coldcrow and I will be catering for the upcoming wedding, and we really hope you can make it. My Bloody Mary’s are truly superb, made only from the finest freshly squeezed ingredients.

This week I’d like discuss the proper way to prepare a ‘post-sacrifice’ meal.
A lot of people write into me asking about this. Here is an example:

“Dear Countess,
I have real problems with disposing of all the leftovers after the weekly sacrifice to my personal god that lives in my sock draw.
Could you please tell me how I can turn them into a nutritious yet tasty meal, so I can shut the little bastard up once and for all about “all the starving Zakarumites that could benefit from that food”? It would be a real help. Thanks.
Zancrid the Schitzo”

Well Zancrid, all your questions and more will be answered.
You see, the important part about using sacrifice scraps is not to pick them apart. Every body will have something unsavory floating around in them somewhere, but there’s an easier way to avoid eating it, rather then sifting through each chunk by hand. The answer:

Soup. Yes soup, it’s that simple. Just get a large pot, throw everything in, fill it up around ¾’s full and stick it over your open fire.
Then, using your “Hell’s Thermometer” (guaranteed to show you temperatures ranging from ‘slightly warm’ to ‘you’re in Hell, baby’) let it simmer at around “crispy critter” level for about 4 hours.

That should give you enough time to clear the table of last night’s dinner scraps and sort through your wines.
I recommend a “Devil’s Vineyard” aged 18 years (just the way I like them... mmm) if you’re into classic reds.
Or if you prefer white, try “Goatmans Delight”. It’ll have you bleating with giddiness after half a bottle.

Once your soup is ready, strain out the chunks and sprinkle with some foot cheese - preferably from the same person you sacrificed. Mixing personalities will never make for a good recipe.

And there you have it. For other recipes, just send your letters to:
The Countess.
PO Box 668
5th Level of the Forgotten Tower,
The Black Marsh.

Ciao darlings, and don’t forget, if you’re a young, independent woman with the urge to succeed, come and visit any time. I’d love to have you for tea.

The Countess.


Lost and Found

Found: Corpsefire’s Lower Half
Ah, hi.
I’m a corrupted Rogue who’s living in one of the abandoned houses around the Tamoe Highland area. Some zombie’s lower half just wandered through my door the other day and made itself comfy on my sofa. If you know who owns it (Corpsefire?) please tell them to come and get it. It refuses to lift its legs when I want to sweep the floor, and makes obscene sounds and smells constantly.
Thanks.

Lost: Horadric Malus – This Morning
I seem to have misplaced my hard won Malus. I imagine it’d be somewhere in the Barricks/Outer Cloister area.
And I did lose it. Ms Anderson did NOT return and take advantage of the fact that I do not wear pants in order to get her Malus back… blasted women… they shouldn’t be allowed to carry knives! I will DESTROY her!
I mean, please return the Malus if you find it. I’ll be eternally grateful and turn you into a very comfy foot stool. I mean won’t. I won’t turn you into... oh forget it.

The Smith


Letters to the Deaditor

Dear Deaditor,
Me is a Fetish from Kurast, and I is writing on behalf of all the Children of the Zakarum when we ask: Why we not allowed to be candidates for “Cold Plains Idol”?
It not fair! We is demons, we is small like Fallen, we share all desires for killing humans in horrible ways. Why we not allowed! It not fair, it not fair! Me tell my Shaman on you.
Signed,
Bograt the Squirt

Reply:
Dear Bograt,
I, the Deaditor, am writing on behalf of ALL creatures that don’t come from Kurast when I say: “We don’t like you!”
Lets face it; you’re small, annoying, and think shooting people with blow darts is funny. Even after the 207th time. If you and your intolerable little friends were allowed to participant, you’d start a riot so big there’d be no Tribes left to lead.
Do us all a favour and stay in your jungle. If you can convince your buddies to do the same, we might send you some I-Scream. Human-young flavour. How does that sound?
Signed,
The Deaditor


And that’s all the news for this week. Grab next weeks issue off the rack to find these great articles:
• Nibbles and Treehead – Wedding Bliss?
• The “Cold Plains Idol” Winner!
• A word from Andariel herself!

[Project_Xii]

Issues 4 - 7 have been written, but i'll wait till i get some feedback before posting them... never know, you's might hate this stuff :P

[Gdog4evr]

My personal favorite so far has been the Smith, both for the Matrix parody and the pants gag that I now want to steal for my own story. Wait a second... Didn't the Butcher ALSO not wear pants? Hmmm...

Dear Deaditor,
I sugggest you do an investigative report on why our demonic workmen refuse to cover their lower half. Lookit all the people walking around in inappropriate atire: Smith, Butcher, Rakinshu and his little buddies, Andarial, ALL the zombies, most of the corupted rouges, most of the uncorupted rouges, and all the other rouges. We need to start a drive to get these people some clothing. HOW MUCH MUST THEY SUFFER FOR A PAIR OF PANTS?!?

Sincerely,
Peter Pantsless
Levis Jeans Representative

[Project_Xii]

Lol, yes, everyone seems to like "Getting Hammered in the Rogue Barracks".
And i agree, some of those creatures should wear pants... maybe not the Rogues and Amazons... their fashion looks fine to me :)
(Hey it's a violent game. You gotta have something nice to look at inbetween slaughter ;) )

[Project_Xii]

The Creature Gazette!
Issue #4


It’s been a confusing week for all monster kind. Lets get straight into it with:

The Shocking ‘Cold Plains Idol’ Scandal!

As the event neared its end, it seemed there would be a deadlock between two highly talented monsters:
Garr Sebation – A Carver Shaman noticed mainly for his strange, yet stylish, crop of puffy hair, and
Squeaker - the singing, dancing, tone deaf Quill Rat.
Judges and participants alike were busy trying to make a decision, when a late entry caught everyone’s attention. A tall, dark figure wearing a heavy cloak arrived with check list filled out; claiming his name was “Targob the Clever”.
Everyone was instantly suspicious; ‘the Clever’ is not a name often heard around these parts.
“I didn’t like him from the start” said a disgruntled Corrupted Rogue. “He giggled all the time, and what was with him throwing rocks at the other contestants?”

As it turned out, Targob topped nearly every event. In the screech test alone, he left two judges in a coma and one declared clinically deaf.
It soon became apparent that this monster was out to win, and not even the first two possible winners were able to stop him;
When someone ‘accidentally’ set fire to Garr’s hair, he refused to participant anymore, and Squeaker mysteriously disappeared altogether. A small pile of bones under a tree may have been a clue, but Targob casually explained they were just the leftovers from his lunch earlier that day.

With no one left to challenge him, Targob gratuitously accepted the victory, and was named the new Leader of the Fallen Tribes.
Everything seemed to be going his way until he was handed the “Large Stone Object of Leadership”, which proved to be too heavy for him to hold.
Targob and the stone toppled over… to reveal three small Fetishes hiding in the cloak. Everyone was too horrified to move, allowing two of the giggling menaces to flee with the stone. The third was caught.

“Hehehehehe… we wins! We beats you all. We knews we could do it! Fetish are the winners, Bograt is the bes…” at which point he was shoved into a bag and sent to the Smith.
He hasn’t been heard of since, but the Smith was seen not long after with a nice pair of new shoes.
“It is not a females hand bag!” he screamed when we asked about the shoes, “Males can carry bags too, you know. Why can’t you people just leave me alone??”

With the hunt for the thieving midgets still in progress, and no true winner crowned, judges declared the event ‘boring’ and played a quick game of “Paper, scissors, rock” to pick the new leader.
Much to his delight, Rakinishu won.
“Rak! Rakker rak rakin! Rak-in-i-shu, rak-in-i-shu” he was heard yelling for the next 3 and a half hours. We wish him, and the poor Tribes under his command, the best of luck.


Now to the next biggest event that’s been brewing for weeks. The wedding between Treehead and Nibbles seemed like the perfect horror tale; love, romance, a passion for disembowelment. Sadly, all did not go well. Read on, in:

Treehead and Nibbles – The Un-Bear-able End

It was to be the celebrity event of the year. Creatures were dressed in their finest, “Coldcrow and The Countess Catering” had put together a setting fit for a Lich King, and all were eagerly awaiting the start of Treehead and Nibbles monogamous journey.

“It was spectacular” beamed Coldcrow, “Candles in the trees, a table piled high with delectable tid-bits. The Countess spent nearly a whole day interviewing Corrupt Rogues, picking out the most suitable, but it was so worth it; they really do make the finest entrée’s. She even offered her own sacrificial alter for the vows to be said at.”
The hour drew near and the Dark Woods was soon packed with monsters of every kind. Finally, the couple arrived.

Treehead looked superb; hair groomed and face washed. It even appeared he’d gone to the trouble of picking all the fleas off his body;
“Wouldn’t want anything to interrupt the wedding night, ay?” joked a Gargantuan Beast friend of his.
Nibbles too looked well preened, and had also gone that extra length by picking all the rotting pieces of rabbit out from between her teeth.

In hushed silence, we watched as they stepped up to the alter;
“Do you Treehead, take this 1 ton mound of fur and lice, Nibbles, to be your awfully wedded wife, in sickness and in flea infestation, in meat-breath and in wet-fur-smell, as long as you both shall live?” asked the Ceremony Beast.
“I do” replied Treehead. The crowd waited with held breath - a feat much easier for the Undead – to hear the reply…
The Ceremony Beast returned the question, Nibbles opened her mouth to answer and…

A butterfly flew past her nose. Nibbles, completely intrigued in this new found friend, playfully leapt away from the alter and gave chase until they both disappeared into the woods.
Witnesses say Treehead just stood there for a good seven minutes, until finally the Countess, in a voice we suspect was not supposed to be heard by anyone but Coldcrow, asked;
“Does that mean she said ‘I don’t’?”
For a beast that appears to have no ears, Treehead heard mighty well, and in reply to the Countesses question, turned and *****-slapped her so hard, bystanding monsters are still trying to determine which end was which.
He then went into a fit of rage and charged for the forest, flattening trees, demons, and anything else in his way.

We at Creature Gazette! would like to issue a friendly warning: Treehead was last seen returning to his tree, babbling something about “At least the tree will never leave me”. It is highly recommended that everyone keeps a distance of around 2 kilometers between themselves and that particular location.


So ends our celebrity news. Also this week, we have been blessed with a guest article from Andariel herself.

Guest Article – Andariel: Hell is a Business

Greetings minions,
You may be wondering why I have returned to Hell, instead of staying in the Rogues Monastery where’s there’s so many lovely torture devices and an ample supply of humans to test them out on. Well, aside from the fact that I had a disagreement with a sorceress human who objected to being ‘hung drawn and quartered in the name of all that is evil’, I simply ran out of funds.

It’s not cheap to be one of the seven most powerful lords in Hell, you know. My hair alone costs a fortune; I’m actually a natural blonde, but got picked on for it at Hells High School (Deaditors Note: Very similar to Earths high schools only slightly warmer). Besides, I think that vibrant red really shows off my tentacles.
Anyway I’m getting off track. You see, the real reason I’ve decided to come back to Hell is because I’d like to announce the opening of my new business: Andariel’s - Nipples and Chains.
Come on down for all your piercing and clamping needs.

Feel like you need a change? Looking for that certain something to jazz up your spawn-life? Let me and my legion of professional demon-masochists help you choose.
It doesn’t matter if you have 2 nipples, 6 or 12! (Yes, we even cater for you, Stygian Hags). We have studs, sleepers, and chains ranging from “paper clip” to “ultra heavy duty”, as well as clamps guaranteed to remain clamped even when subjected to 400 pounds of weight. (Warning: Testing this out for yourself may result in some ‘slight’ stretching).
And as a special deal, we’ll do every 3rd piercing for free!
So bring the kids, bring your grand-monster. There’s something for everyone at:
Andariels – Nipples and Chains
Store 47
Plains of Despair

I hope to see you all soon. I’d hate to have to send Izual up to personally drag you back down here.
And remember our motto: Get Pierced, or Pierce Off!
Yours Anguishly,
Andariel.


A Farewell to Khanduras - From the Deaditor

It’s been an action packed month for us here at Creature Gazette! but all good things must come to an end.
With Treehead reacquainting himself with the wonder that is knotholes, The Countess unwillingly ‘retired’ by him, and The Smith gone into hiding, we simply won’t have enough guest articles or news to report.
As of next week, Creature Gazette! will be printed from our new location near Lut Gholein. We’ll stay in touch with what’s happening at home of course, but we get the feeling there’ll be more then enough to report at our new residence.
We’d like to give a few messages to our more renown story subjects:

Treehead – You have our condolences. And be careful of splinters.
Coldcrow – Hope you can find a replacement partner for your catering business.
The Smith – We don’t think it’s a females hand bag. Honest. We hope you’ll be able to face society again one day.
Rakinishu – … ummmm… don’t do anything to stupid… actually just don’t do anything.
The Fallen Tribes – Find a new leader. Soon.
Tristram Fun Park Employees – You owe me a prize. I hit Farnam dead-on with my bottle, and he didn’t fall over. Don’t make me declare Shenanigans.

And that concludes this weeks issue. For next weeks articles… considering getting hold of some “change of address” forms.

• Radament – Back on Tour
• Guest Article: Creeping Feature presents – The Halls of the Dead Art Galleries newest addition, The Mourna Leeza.
• The renowned Dr. Hairy Pooper tells us his thoughts on today’s popular pets.

[Project_Xii]

The Creature Gazette!
Issue #5 – Lut Gholein Special


Well it took some time, but we’re finally settled in our new location near Lut Gholein. You’d be surprised how easy it is to update those dank old tombs into a cosy editorial and printing establishment.
And no sooner did we arrive then news and stories began to flood in from all across the desert. We’ll start with one of the most popular events here:

Radament – Back From the Dead and Living it Up

That aging rock star is at it again. Radament, having given his final performance perhaps 70 years ago, has made a stunning comeback with his new album:
“I’m Dead, But I Still Wanna Rock!”
His tour course has taken him from the darkest, slimiest tombs, to the moonlight pools of the Far Oasis, and now to the lights and glamour of the Lut Gholein Sewers. Fans and groupies have followed him all the way, and his up coming performances under the desert city are going to prove to be very crowded.

Tickets are 75 gold each, but they are selling fast. Creature Gazette! would like to announce we are having a competition in which we’re giving away 17 free tickets to this weeks concert.
All you have to do is write in and tell us which, out of these past classics by Radament, is your favourite and why:

• Oops, I Dropped It Again
• The Tomb, The Tomb, The Tomb is on Fire
• Can’t Touch That (SNAP – Too Late)
• Short Loincloth/Long Jacket
• All the Smelly Things
• Rock Your Corpse
• Cry Me a Plague
• Slim Skelly
• Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Poisonous Internal Gases
• She’s 3060, She’s Beautiful, and She’s Mine

Send in your entries; you could be watching Radament LiVe and performing all those plus his newest, next week.

Also, a special request from Radaments stage and make up crew: everyone knows his defining trait is to rip off parts of his body and throw them into the crowd as souvenirs. His crew would like to ask that everyone attending the concert bring along a donation of human appendages to help keep Radament going.

So clean that closet, and pull out that unwanted leather jacket and fingernail-necklace. Who knows, maybe you’ll even get them back, complete with a few skin flakes or entrails from the star himself!

Details on the ticket winners and concert results next week.


Now to more sophisticated and arty news:

The Mourna Leeza – Prize of the Halls of the Dead Art Gallery

Creeping Feature, owner of the Halls of the Dead Art Gallery and renowned art connoisseur, would like to invite everyone to the unveiling of his latest master piece; The Mourna Leeza.

Found among the ruins of the Lost City, art scientists date it to be around 400 years old. One theory is the artist was on his way to deliver it to the Museum in the Lost City (before the tragic event that left the city the way it is now) and he simply got lost. As you know, the Lost City was not called that because it was hard to find in the desert, but for the simple fact that it was designed so badly no one could ever find a way out of it, and so our artist probably wandered the streets till his death.

The Mourna Leeza has now been cleaned and framed, and is ready for viewing. Its personal body guard; Bloodwitch the Wild, is standing watch 24/7 to help prevent any would-be thieves from taking this wondrous piece of history.
“Just try it, *****” she hissed when our Creature Gazette! reporter tried to get a good look at the painting, “One more step and I’ll scratch your freakin’ eyes out.”
Needless to say Creature Gazette! rates the Mourna Leeza a fabulous creation… from a distance.

And for those with special interests, Creeping Feature has now opened his luxurious mansion, “El Stoni Tombre”, for public viewing. Everyone is welcome to walk through his rooms and ‘relive’ the death and heritage of Creeping Feature. Most of his rooms show off his most treasured art, while others are just dedicated to... well... him.
See his extended family (open casket) and the human display: a room full of mounted human heads, his prizes from various hunting trips.
“Some of them he didn’t even go out to get, they just wandered into his home by mistake hehe” snickered a close zombie friend of his.

Entry fee for the Halls is around 25 gold per head (20 gold if you don’t have one), and 50 gold for the “El Stoni Tombre”. All proceeds go to Creeping Feature to help him… do something… charitable. Or so we’ve heard…


Now we’d like to introduce a new segment; the Pet Gazette! This week we ask our friendly creature expert, Dr. Hairy Pooper on the subject of:

Dune Leapers – Pet or Pest?

You either love them, or you hate them. When it comes to Dune Leapers, there’s really no in betweens.
There would have to be half a million of these little guys rampaging around the desert, so to get hold of one and tame it to your needs isn’t much of a challenge. But the question is; would one make a good pet for you?
Decisions can be made a lot easier if you look at both the pros and cons of owning one of these hyperactive little beasts:

Pros –
• They’re small, and therefore won’t eat you out of house and home.
• Their thick, scaly skin means you won’t have to clean up any annoying hair from the couch.
• They make amusing sounds
• They’re useful if you ever need to get something from 20 feet in the air above you.

Cons –
• They’re small, and therefore can get in every nook and cranny, as well as underfoot, in the food cupboard, or even your toilet.
• Their thick skin and spines makes them impossible to discipline properly.
• They make annoying sounds.
• They jump around; all day, every day, for no particular reason.
• They aren’t renowned for being ‘good with the kids’. Unless by ‘good’ your talking about preparing them for some kind of meal.
• They poop 12 times a day.
• ‘Leashing’ them is virtually unheard of.
• They have a tendency to bite the hand that feeds them… as well as the arms, torso, neck, other vital organs…
• They are extremely territorial and may attack anything they see as a threat within their area. Unfortunately, they may see your entire home as their territory, and therefore you, your children, your other pets, your in-laws and your neighbors may also be seen as a threat. Actually…

Pro –
• Great in-law deterrent.

My personal experience with them? I caught one upon arrival at Lut Gholein, tamed it, named it and gave it its own room. So far the little s**t has made my house smell like a Yeti’s armpit, nearly bitten off three of my fingers, and put feet marks on every ceiling in the place.
Are Dune Leapers for you? You decide, and then come and get mine before I kill the little f*&%#$.
Dr. Hairy Pooper

Next time: Stygian Dolls – A Boom in Popularity?


Community Warning!

Home owners beware. Once regarded as harmless insects, the desert gnats have joined together to form viscous clans, also known as Vile Swarms.
These rogue bands of undisciplined bugs are wandering the deserts, just looking for monsters and demons alike to harass. Do not underestimate their powers!

Reports have come in of witnesses seeing entire suits of armour and large items of household furniture, simply being flown off with. How they are managing to do this is a complete baffle to everyone, as is to what the vandalizing pests plan to do with everything they’re stealing.
We recommend not walking alone in the desert, at least not without a large swatting tool, and sealing all cracks and holes allowing entry into homes and tombs. This has been a community warning.

So ends our first Lut Gholein issue. Dust off next weeks issue to uncover these articles:
• A Word From Royalty – The Maggott Queen talks about life after the first million kids leave home.
• Radaments Rocking Concert Crumbles
• Why is it so Dark? The Vipers explain why we ‘really don’t need sunlight’.

[kidonfire]

creative :)