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View Full Version : The Magic Lesson


Slashco
02-11-2004, 02:57
This is my second attempt at a fanfic. Enjoy, and comments are always welcome. :)

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The stately domes and svelte minarets of Lut Gholein gleamed golden in the deepening afternoon light, casting lengthening shadows upon the drowsy city at their feet. The sky, in places, had become as blue as the deep sea beneath it; the water, a velvet drape occasionally wrinkled by the western breeze. Ancient cedars seemed to stretch their boughs wider, mingling with the ash-trees and sycamores above the colorful tile rooftops, and among them, the white myrtle-flowers poured heavy, sweet waves of perfume that descended, flooding the streets like a hot and intoxicating lava. To an outsider, at this sleepy hour between noon and dusk, the very air would have seemed enchanted. To the locals, it was another late-spring day in the Jewel City.

Though the usual evening bustle had not yet begun, at least two people in the city were at work: The young prince Gholan, naked to the waist, was in the Royal Palace's practice yard studying combat under the supervision of Nadlak, the scarred and grim-faced captain of the guards.

"You must extend your right leg more when striking, Highness" Nadlak observed for perhaps the seventh time that day. "Otherwise you are left off-balance and your enemy may take advantage of that. In fact, you must assume he will", he added. In one fluid motion he closed the gap between himself and his pupil, parried Gholan's staff, spun halfway and swung his own, sweeping the boy's legs out from underneath and sending him into the dust on his backside.

"Not fair, I was tired" Gholan protested as soon as he got his breath back. "I don't get it, Nadlak" he said, rising painfully and making his way to a stone bench. "What do I need all this training for anyway? We all saw the artificers' show last Autumn-Eve - do you remember the magic they possessed? Surely anyone who can make the sky bloom with light could also cause no small amount of grief to his enemies? Besides," he continued, growing more animated, "I've read stories of the Vizjerei and the Horadrim and other great wizards who mastered the elements and even gained power over life and death. How can the feats of a mere human body, no matter how well trained, compare with war magicians laying low entire armies? Would my education not be better spent learning spells?"

"Indeed you shall, Highness, in due time," replied the captain patiently. "But for now we must focus on your physical training, because-"

"Because magic is a crutch, boy." Absorbed in his own tirade, the prince had not noticed the thin shadow growing beside him, and he nearly jumped at the deep voice. He mentally berated himself for being inattentive to his surroundings. To his relief, Nadlak hadn't seemed to notice, otherwise Gholan was certain he'd have heard no end of it.

Standing at his side now was a tall, wizened man garbed in an unadorned black robe and a plain black turban inset with a single, brilliant amethyst. He leaned on his rune-covered staff, regarding the prince with a shrewd, penetrating and altogether uncomfortable look. The only sounds were of the wind in the trees, and a distant sussurating fountain.

Finally the young prince broke the silence. "Hello, Alheer", he said in what he hoped was a royally confident tone. "Has my Grand Vizier taken time from his busy day to come and survey my progress?"

"I was, in fact, sent by your royal mother to check on the training of our future ruler." The old man's voice carried an unmistakable hint of power, though he seemed well-disposed for the moment. "But now that I've arrived, I hear you would rather study spells than do your exercises, yes?"

"Well, no, I just didn't need - that is, I was tired, and Nadlak knocked me down, and I read about wizards, and..." Though Alheer's expression did not change, the prince felt less and less brave as he continued speaking. "It'd seem more useful to do magic, is all" he finished lamely, his gaze seemingly intent on penetrating the deepest mysteries of a small pebble near his left sandal.

"I see" pronounced the vizier, his tone not at all reassuring to Gholan. "Your instruction is appreciated as always, Captain," he said without turning, "but I think he's had enough for today. The prince and I need to speak, now".

"As you wish, sir. I'll be seeing you tomorrow, Highness - perhaps we'll go over the basics of watching your surroundings again." You never know what dangerous creatures might sneak up on you, Nadlak added mentally as he bowed and left the courtyard.

Alheer watched him go. "A useful man, that. Smart enough to follow orders well, but not enough to try understanding them. Or perhaps that's what makes him the smartest of all? In any case, I believe we were talking of magic. Let's take a walk."

A faint moon was visible in the rose-tinged sky as the old vizier and his young charge made their way through the palace gardens. The breeze carried scents of exotic plants, and from beyond the ornamented walls, sounds of the city waking to life reached their ears.

"I have a tale for you, Highness."

"Honestly, Alheer, I think I'm getting too old for-"

"You are never too old for stories, boy, no matter what anyone says. And I think you'll benefit from this one. Now, listen...

Long ago, O Prince (the vizier began his tale), during the rule of your enlightened ancestor Jerhyn al-Sayal al-Rashid, when Lut Gholein was smaller and stone-walled and surrounded by the deadly desert, when the Prime Evils stalked the land and monsters and undead horrors lurked among the dunes, many adventurers were drawn to our fair city - warriors, magicians, rogues, noble crusaders and fearsome acolytes of Rathma, fur-clad tribesmen and armored knights, and a thousand more besides. Many were lured by thoughts of fame and wealth, nearly as many by knowledge and power. A few wanted to do some good in this world; and some just wanted to fight. And among this motley crowd of would-be heroes, there was a young Sorceress from the West named Kellandra.

Unlike the eastern Zann Esu, who are dedicated elementalists, Kellandra had been trained as a diviner - that is the art of scrying, of finding what is hidden, as you know. Except that this particular Sorceress had used that art for personal gain in a manner not altogether approved by her guild. In effect she was a thief, and a good one. Using her abilities together with a limited form of telekinesis, she excelled at making well-secured things disappear, much to the surprise and dismay of their former owners. After a brave though unsuccessful attempt at lightening the treasury of a local nobleman who'd hired some of his own magicians for protection, Kellandra decided that things were getting too heated in her home town, and so the last thing she caused to vanish was herself.

Like the others, she'd heard the rumours of adventure and plunder to be found among the desert ruins, and after many months of travel she eventually found her way here. Though skilled in her own path of magic, Kellandra knew that she would be no match for the enemies awaiting her out there, on the shifting sands. So after some inquiries in stores and taverns, she crossed the dusty streets (for once unmindful of the colorful wares displayed by merchants) and made her way to a small shop near the old city gates. When she saw the old man sitting under the awning, smoking his nargileh and watching the crowd, she knew she'd come to the right place.

'Ya Mawla, argaab anina' she greeted him. 'Many tales are told of Drognan the Wise and the power he wields. Teach me the ways of combat-magic that I may go to the deep desert and cleanse the foes of this city in your name!'

'I suspect it is your own pockets you wish to fill, but I will teach you nevertheless' said Drognan, for magic was freely traded in those days.


"Wait a second, Alheer. Drognan sensed her motives and decided to teach her anyway, just like that?"

"As I said, those wishing to learn magic were not usually turned away. In such a time of crisis any help was welcome. Or perhaps he sensed something special in her, who can say? Now where was I... ah, yes.


Kellandra was determined to arm herself with powerful spells, and with the memory of her journey into Lut Gholein fresh in her mind, she knew where to start. She said to Drognan, 'I have crossed the burning sand and felt the sun like fire upon my back. You have the knowledge of mystical fire; Teach me how to burn my enemies with it!'

'I have this knowledge and will share it,' the old mage answered, 'But in payment you must bring me a fine ruby worth at least one thousand shekels.' The sorceress agreed and left. She returned later that evening with a brilliant ruby-stone 'borrowed' from a nearby gem trader. Drognan accepted the gem, took the girl to a small ivy-grown courtyard behind the shop, and the learning began. For seven days and seven nights she learned the ways of fire: how to create a small flicker in her mind and nurse it, reinforcing it until it grew into a roaring inferno; how to produce mystical flames which burned hotter and longer than any man-made fire, and how to hurl those flames over great distances. She learned to sense the hidden potential energy in all objects, igniting them with a spell, and how to raise walls of yellow flame through which no enemy could pass lest they be reduced to ashes. By the eighth day she believed to have mastered fire's destructive nature, so she thanked her teacher and went into the desert to test her new powers.


"Hah, one week to master an element? I thought you said it takes years to become good at magic!"

"Well, Drognan was a very good teacher, and Kellandra a bright student. Besides, I only said she _thought_ she'd mastered fire. In truth, she was probably the equal of an advanced apprentice. Stop interrupting and listen.


Kellandra slew several small demons and creatures outside the city walls that day, and her confidence in her new skills grew. But as night came and the desert wind made her shiver, she knew there was more to learn.

In the morning she returned to Drognan and said: 'Night fell upon me in the desert, and the wind's teeth tore at my arms and numbed them. Teach me to freeze my enemies with cold.'

'I will do as you ask,' the old sage replied once again, 'but in payment you must bring me a sapphire of quality, worth no less than the ruby you fetched for me before.'

Acquiring the gem was simple enough, and for the next ten days Kellandra learned of cold. Whereas the nature of fire had been energetic and chaotic, cold was slow and lethargic. She learned how to draw the heat from a place and rob it of energy, how to slow the movements of her enemies by chilling them to the bone. Drognan showed her how to instill coldness into airborne moisture, creating crystals that grew into jagged ice-shards sharper and more deadly than a sword, and how, with a mental command, to form those same crystals into a glistening armored shell to protect her from harm. Satisfied that she had learned all she could, the sorceress once again thanked the old mage and left the city.

This time she ventured farther across the sands, and many monsters fell beneath her chilly onslaught. By and by, she made her way to the deserted beach littered with ancient wrecks, where a furious gale blew and the unquiet sea stretched on until it touched the curving sky at an impossible distance. A black and rumbling mass of cloud filled the livid horizon and was advancing toward land, soon obscuring the entire sky. Thunder rolled across the waves and Kellandra had barely sheltered herself within the rotting ribs of a sand-bound sloop when the mass broke, and the curtain of rain hit the beach with the force of a waterfall. With a sound as of mountains knocking heads, massive, blinding shafts of lightning shot from beneath the rolling clouds, striking sparks wherever they found metal, scorching black the nearby sand and sometimes outright fusing the molten droplets into misshapen lumps of glass which hissed and steamed beneath the falling raindrops.

"Such power," thought the sorceress, and she knew what she had to do. As soon as the storm's fury quieted down she came out of her hiding spot, and traveled back to the city and straight to Drognan's shop. The air was fresh and cool and smelled like lightning, and the old man was sitting under his awning, smoking.

'Blessings to you, Teacher' she said. 'Much have I learned from you, but there is yet more to be taught. The skies opened before me today; show me how to harness the power of lightning and use it against my enemies!'

Drognan regarded her for a moment, but agreed to teach what he knew, in return asking for a topaz of no lesser quality than the two gemstones she had previously brought him. Kellandra agreed and left, vowing to return soon.

Finding the gemstone proved somewhat more difficult this time, since the local dealer Kellandra had depended upon was growing increasingly paranoid at his disappearing stock, and had taken extra security measures. The sorceress had to travel accross town to find another source, but her skills did not betray her. Late in the evening she returned to the little shop by the city gates with her payment, and the lessons began.

During the next fortnight, Kellandra learned of lightning. Drognan showed her how to sense electrical charges, and the way they flowed along the path of least resistance from one place to another. She learned to modify the nature of a target increasing its conductivity, and to direct a bolt of lightning at it, even from a clear sky. Instilling objects with electrical charge and filling the air itself with a field of static electricity became second nature to her. The training was hard, but every day the sorceress felt herself becoming stronger and more skilled.

At long last the instruction was over and this time, Kellandra deemed herself ready for anything. She thanked her teacher for the final time, bowed before him and left the shop, in search of adventure.

She had already picked out her first target: A half-buried tomb in the deep desert said to belong to an ancient Horadrim sage of some reknown. It had not been thoroughly explored due to the dangerous traps and creatures within, and could thus contain a rather hefty amount of treasure (she thought to herself).

Though confident in her abilities, Kellandra did not wish to face the horrors of the tomb alone; so after some deliberation and searching, she made her way to Atma's tavern, a popular adventurer watering-hole, the very next afternoon. Coming in from the brilliant sunlight, the interior felt dark and oppressive. Even so, it was not hard to locate the one she sought; for although seated, he towered over everyone and his hulking shadow covered half the room. He was known as N'Jal the Silent and was rumored to be a northerner from one of the great tribes around Mount Arreat, though nothing certain was known of his origin. His arms were like the trunks of the desert oak, his face as a sand-scoured cliff. Strange tatoos curled accross his visage, and seemed to move in the flickering torchlight.

Kellandra put on a haughty face and spoke. 'I come to you with a proposal, Northman. There is a tomb far in the desert, filled with ancient treasure. I fear no sand-creature, but I will need a strong back to help me carry the loot. Will you accompany me in exchange for a third of the profits?'

The man made no reply. His features remained unchanged, and the sorceress could not tell whether he was thinking, or hadn't heard her, or simply didn't care. 'Perhaps another time' she muttered, but as she made her way toward the exit, he rose wordlessly and followed her.

That day was a dark one for the minions of Hell, my young prince. The two adventurers strode into the desert, and no demon-spawn nor undead horror could stand in their way. N'Jal charged onward, swinging his iron-tipped club, crushing bones and shattering skulls as he went. Behind him, Kellandra was ablaze with energy as she sent unending waves of ice-shards, rains of fire and bolts of lightning into the enemy ranks, slaughtering them by the dozens. Farther and farther they trekked accross the burning sand, sowing death in their way, until the cool darkness of the forgotten tomb beckoned to them.

They descended the crumbling stone stairs, steeled for battle. An army of undead skeletons rose to meet them, the spark of unholy magic burning in their eye-sockets. But N'Jal raised his mighty club, and a sickening crunch echoed through the forgotten corridors as iron met bone and turned it to splinters. Again and again his strokes fell, snapping bones like rotten twigs and driving the undead army back into the dust from whence it rose. The last of the foes, a great and hideously misshapen mummy, was raising its arms to cast some final spell when the barbarian reached it, his weapon a blur as it swung in a great circle through the air and connected with the monster's head, pulverizing it in a shower of dust and bone-chips.

Deeper into the stifling darkness they went, Kellandra's magic and the northerner's senses seeking out the many deadly traps and assuring them a safe path. Legions uncounted of undead monstrosities rose to bar their way, but none could withstand the fury of the two. Past a gauntlet of animated corpses, evil spirits and demonic servants they battled, and just as the barbarian was breathing heavily and the sorceress felt her magic nearly spent, a great archway opened up before them, into a silent room lit by a soft blue glow.

The two companions' eyes widened, for they had found what they sought: Before them, strewn accross the stone floor, lay more wealth than either of them had ever seen before. Piles and piles of gold coins glimmered beneath their torches, with the occasional twinkle of a precious gem among them. Diamonds the size of walnuts, enchanted amulets and charms, jewelry of silver, gold and electrum overflowed from ornate wooden chests. Ancient rolled-up carpets of intricate design and untold value lay piled in a corner; in another, richly decorated weapons and armors that could have outfitted kings of another age stood remarkably preserved. There were runed staves and magical trinkets, yellowed scrolls of magic with their twisting arcane designs, crystal vials containing rare perfumes and dyes, priceless and forgotten books, bolts of silk, crates of fragrant sandalwood, and so much more that it surpassed Kellandra's most wishful expectations.

As she surveyed the treasure before her, however, the old greed returned and her heart began to harbor a hidden design. She looked over at her companion, who seemed absorbed in studying a silvery warhammer whose handle ended in a carved skull with eyes of diamond. 'This oaf knows nothing of magic,' she thought. 'He'll probaby squander his share in taverns, when I could make so much better use of it. Yes, a treasure gained by one is after all more profitable than divided by two. If he should suffer an accident and perish in this tomb, well, no one will think twice of it.' Wasting no more time, she decided to strike.

She gathered her power and with her thought formed a blinding lance of pure flame, hotter than the fires of hell, and launched it toward the great northerner's turned back. But things went awry for the sorceress this day; for instead of piercing the man to the core and setting aflame his insides, the fire seemed to lose its power and dissipated after merely singing Njal's skin. The barbarian jumped and spun around, bewildered, but upon seeing the look on the sorceress' face he understood what was happening. Kellandra was now chanting furiously, her eyes glowing with a cold radiance as she spun a smoldering needle-sharp icicle from nothingness, and hurled it at her foe with all her might. But once again, the projectile did nothing but scrape the barbarian's chest, drawing a trickle of blood, then fell to the floor and melted. N'jal had now raised his club as Kellandra played her last card - with all her remaining strength she concentrated upon the dry, dusty air in the room and felt her hair trying to stand on end as the space around her was saturated with electricity. She raised her staff and unleashed not one, but a storm of jagged lightning-bolts which crackled through the air as they sped toward their target. They enveloped the barbarian and a smell of burning hair filled the room as he convulsed, gripped by their power. But as the lightning faded and vanished, he was still standing. With a bellow of rage, the first sound he had made since their meeting, he crossed the distance between himself and the bewildered sorceress in one mighty leap. Kellandra may have been skilled at the magical arts, but she had always disdained physical combat and was not trained in it; her frail body was no match for the angry barbarian, and she was laid low by a single swing of his great club.

The fight was over; quiet had once more returned to the ancient halls. The barbarian straightened painfully, wincing at his injuries. Despite his wards, some of Kellandra's magic had gotten through, and he knew it would take many days before he would completely recover. Grateful, he felt beneath his shirt for the protective amulet he'd purchased from Drognan only a day before and pulled it out, watching its inlaid gemstones glisten in the dim light - ruby, sapphire and topaz. He quickly stooped and searched the body of the sorceress, pocketing the few charms and vials the old mage had requested in exchange for the amulet. Then he hoisted up his weapon, and slowly started the long lonely walk into sunlight and back toward the city."


A draught of cool air washed over the garden heralding the approach of night. In the west, the sun had already sunk below the horizon, its remaining faint-orange light rapidly deepening to the blue of dusk.

"So you see, young Prince, a strong body must exist if a strong mind is to prosper," finished the vizier.

"Is that the lesson, Alheer? I thought it was 'never trust anyone'..."

The old man chuckled. "Perhaps that, as well. You will make a fine Sultan yet, boy. But now, it is time for us to start back. I believe we are expected inside."

They walked along the garden path leading to the castle, each lost in his own thoughts. Overhead the night's first stars appeared, glittering like gemstones.

Slashco
03-11-2004, 20:58
Hmm, several days later and hardly any views, and not a single reply... surely it's not that bad? I hope :(

BlueNinja
03-11-2004, 21:56
I like the ironic twist at the end of the story. But still, wow, she's a back-stabbing bastard. And I thought you had to return to town to change your status to PvP? :P

Slashco
04-11-2004, 00:43
She used a hack :p

But I'm glad you liked it. Next I'm thinking of working on something more lengthy and episode-based. Hopefully I'll put up the first installment within the month.

Anyee
04-11-2004, 02:08
It's quite good. Send it over to TDL, if you don't mind. BTW the read counter is broken, so don't worry about the low number of reads.

RevenantsKnight
05-11-2004, 01:06
Hmm, several days later and hardly any views, and not a single reply... surely it's not that bad? I hope :(

Heh...sorry for not posting these comments sooner, but I had an internet spasm over the weekend and as a result ended up with a fat stack of forum posts I hadn’t seen yet. If you don’t get comments immediately, well, that’s just the way this forum is sometimes (actually, most of the time.) It (usually) doesn’t mean your story’s bad, so don’t worry about it.

Anyway, I think this is good, especially with the excellent descriptions and imagery woven into the text. I got a rather vivid image of some parts of your story, which is almost always a good thing, and overall it stands as a pleasant read, especially since it’s not riddled with spelling errors and sentence fragments.

There are, though, a few things that I think could be better. Here are some specifics:

The stately domes and svelte minarets of Lut Gholein gleamed golden in the deepening afternoon light, casting lengthening shadows upon the drowsy city at their feet. The sky, in places, had become as blue as the deep sea beneath it; the water, a velvet drape occasionally wrinkled by the western breeze. Ancient cedars seemed to stretch their boughs wider, mingling with the ash-trees and sycamores above the colorful tile rooftops, and among them, the white myrtle-flowers poured heavy, sweet waves of perfume that descended, flooding the streets like a hot and intoxicating lava. To an outsider, at this sleepy hour between noon and dusk, the very air would have seemed enchanted. To the locals, it was another late-spring day in the Jewel City.

This is an excellent descriptive passage; it really gets a picture into the reader’s mind of the story’s setting. Writing like this draws the reader in, and in some cases can make the difference between a decent work and something much more memorable. However, there are some details in here that are problematic; for one, ash trees like poorly drained soil, like the kind found in wet woods, so there shouldn’t be any in Lut Gholein. In fact, the Diablo II manual notes that they're prevalent in Khanduras, and anything that thrives there probably wouldn't make it in Aranoch. Some sycamores and cedars could theoretically survive in much drier conditions than ashes, but given Aranoch’s general image as roughly equal to the Arabian deserts, I have a hard time believing that these trees could exist here. Also, this is an admittedly minor bit of nitpicking, but your spacing between words isn’t consistent, and this is true of the entire story, not just the first paragraph; usually it’s a one space separation, but there are four instances where the words are two spaces apart. I wasn’t sure if this was your way of trying to emphasize something, or if they were just typos, or what.

In one fluid motion he closed the gap between himself and his pupil, parried Gholan's staff, spun halfway and swung his own, sweeping the boy's legs out from underneath and sending him into the dust on his backside.

There should be a “him” (or something to that effect) after “underneath.”

"I don't get it, Nadlak" he said, rising painfully and making his way to a stone bench.

“I don’t get it” is a bit too much of a present-day, familiar sort of phrase for a prince to be using with his weapons master. Not only is it anachronistic, it implies a level of closeness between the speaker and the person he or she is addressing, and that is a sentiment that most students would not wish to convey when speaking to their teachers, nor is it something many teachers would take well. “I don’t understand” would probably suit your story better.

The only sounds were of the wind in the trees, and a distant sussurating fountain.

This sentence seems awkward to me; it doesn’t appear to be truly parallel, since if you removed “of the wind in the trees,” it would be grammatically incorrect. Changing it to “...were those of the wind...and that of a distant...” might work a little better, but to be honest, I think this could use a general overhaul and rewrite. The idea here is good, though.

Finally the young prince broke the silence. "Hello, Alheer", he said in what he hoped was a royally confident tone. "Has my Grand Vizier taken time from his busy day to come and survey my progress?"

"I was, in fact, sent by your royal mother to check on the training of our future ruler." The old man's voice carried an unmistakable hint of power, though he seemed well-disposed for the moment. "But now that I've arrived, I hear you would rather study spells than do your exercises, yes?"

"Well, no, I just didn't need - that is, I was tired, and Nadlak knocked me down, and I read about wizards, and..." Though Alheer's expression did not change, the prince felt less and less brave as he continued speaking. "It'd seem more useful to do magic, is all" he finished lamely, his gaze seemingly intent on penetrating the deepest mysteries of a small pebble near his left sandal.

This really does a good job of depicting Gholan without just throwing out statements of apparent fact. :)

The breeze carried scents of exotic plants, and from beyond the ornamented walls, sounds of the city waking to life reached their ears.

The phrase “waking to life” is a little awkward, since sleep isn’t death, which is what this is suggesting. “Awakening” works better in my mind; feel free to use it instead or stick with what you have, depending on whether you think I’m insane or not.

"You are never too old for stories, boy, no matter what anyone says. And I think you'll benefit from this one. Now, listen...

Long ago, O Prince (the vizier began his tale), during the rule of your enlightened ancestor Jerhyn al-Sayal al-Rashid, when Lut Gholein was smaller and stone-walled and surrounded by the deadly desert, when the Prime Evils stalked the land and monsters and undead horrors lurked among the dunes, many adventurers were drawn to our fair city - warriors, magicians, rogues, noble crusaders and fearsome acolytes of Rathma, fur-clad tribesmen and armored knights, and a thousand more besides.

In general, since Alheer is telling this story, you should open each paragraph with a quotation mark, though there shouldn’t be one at the end. This structure is understood to mean that the same speaker is continuing with whatever he or she is saying. The parenthetical comment is an extra bit you can keep if you want, but personally I’d find it redundant with the structure described above.

Another thing: this paragraph implies that Lut Gholein is no longer bordered by the desert of Aranoch. While it’s possible that someone could have cast one heck of an enchantment on the area (which would also explain the trees,) you don’t really have anything else that indicates that this is no longer a desert city on the edge of the sea. As it is, the trees seem like an oversight on your part and the paragraph above feels like a contradiction of facts. If you did intend for the terrain around the city to have changed, you need to describe it more, since it’s a marked variation on the game’s image of Lut Gholein and most people won’t catch it if you don’t tell them semi-explicitly. If not, you should take a look at these parts and clear up these inconsistencies.

And among this motley crowd of would-be heroes, there was a young Sorceress from the West named Kellandra.

Just my take on the Western lands: not a single class in Diablo I or II has been a spellcaster from anywhere west of Aranoch, unless you count Amazons, who aren’t even from the mainland. The overall opinion I got of kingdoms such as Khanduras and Westmarch was that they had some of the best soldiers in Sanctuary, which was mostly because they were sadly lacking in magic. In fact, even the Rogues were originally described as users of “ancient Eastern philosophies” and hailing from “the Eastern dunes” in the Diablo I manual. Having a relatively conventional mage, much less a sorcerer’s guild, based in the West runs counter to most of the information put forth in the games. While I’m not saying that interpreting what Blizzard gives us is a bad thing, it’s another thing entirely to do something like sticking a Necromancer fortress in the foothills of Mount Arreat. I’d try Scosglen or maybe the deep deserts as an origin point, not the West.

Except that this particular Sorceress had used that art for personal gain in a manner not altogether approved by her guild.

This doesn’t read as well as it could, mostly because of the “except” at the start of the sentence. “Except” usually follow some statement, and introduces an exception or counterexample; you’re attempting to do this over two sentences, which can, and does, get a little uneven. Starting off with something like “However, this Sorceress...” and then continuing as written would be what I’d suggest for this.

'Many tales are told of Drognan the Wise and the power he wields. Teach me the ways of combat-magic that I may go to the deep desert and cleanse the foes of this city in your name!'

'I suspect it is your own pockets you wish to fill, but I will teach you nevertheless' said Drognan, for magic was freely traded in those days.

Do you plan to describe Drognan any in this piece? Since this is a story about a story that’s being told to one of the characters, it’s not overly critical that we know much about Drognan, other than what the game puts forth. However, oral tradition tends to have strong imagery in it, since that’s a very effective way of getting a story to stick in the listener’s head. If you want to follow in this mold, I’d suggest at least a short passage on Drognan himself.


Kellandra was determined to arm herself with powerful spells, and with the memory of her journey into Lut Gholein fresh in her mind, she knew where to start. She said to Drognan, 'I have crossed the burning sand and felt the sun like fire upon my back. You have the knowledge of mystical fire; Teach me how to burn my enemies with it!'

This and other similar parts of the tale are have a good, fable-ish air to them, which really helps the believability of your story. Good job with that. A side note: the first word after a semicolon isn’t capitalized.

Kellandra slew several small demons and creatures outside the city walls that day, and her confidence in her new skills grew. But as night came and the desert wind made her shiver, she knew there was more to learn.

In the morning she returned to Drognan and said: 'Night fell upon me in the desert, and the wind's teeth tore at my arms and numbed them. Teach me to freeze my enemies with cold.'

Again, nicely done with the tone of these parts of your story.

She had already picked out her first target: A half-buried tomb in the deep desert said to belong to an ancient Horadrim sage of some reknown. It had not been thoroughly explored due to the dangerous traps and creatures within, and could thus contain a rather hefty amount of treasure (she thought to herself).

“Reknown” isn’t a word; perhaps you meant “renown?” Also, the word after a colon isn’t capitalized in this case, and the last bit about Kellandra thinking to herself doesn’t flow particularly well. On the whole, a rewrite of this paragraph might be in order.

Strange tatoos curled accross his visage, and seemed to move in the flickering torchlight.

Farther and farther they trekked accross the burning sand, sowing death in their way, until the cool darkness of the forgotten tomb beckoned to them.

The two companions' eyes widened, for they had found what they sought: Before them, strewn accross the stone floor, lay more wealth than either of them had ever seen before.

“Across” has one “c,” not two.

As she surveyed the treasure before her, however, the old greed returned and her heart began to harbor a hidden design. She looked over at her companion, who seemed absorbed in studying a silvery warhammer whose handle ended in a carved skull with eyes of diamond. 'This oaf knows nothing of magic,' she thought. 'He'll probaby squander his share in taverns, when I could make so much better use of it. Yes, a treasure gained by one is after all more profitable than divided by two. If he should suffer an accident and perish in this tomb, well, no one will think twice of it.' Wasting no more time, she decided to strike.

If you want, you could spend some more time on Kellandra’s thoughts, to better create an image in the reader’s mind. It’s not really necessary here, since the important point is that she decides to betray N’jal, but it might help the story’s richness, depending on how it’s executed. Also, “probably” has an “l” in it, and your spelling of “N’jal” gets inconsistent.

Kellandra was now chanting furiously, her eyes glowing with a cold radiance as she spun a smoldering needle-sharp icicle from nothingness, and hurled it at her foe with all her might.

Ice doesn’t smolder. I’m not sure what effect you’re trying to describe with this.

The fight was over; quiet had once more returned to the ancient halls.

The “had” in the above sentence is unnecessary.

Grateful, he felt beneath his shirt for the protective amulet he'd purchased from Drognan only a day before and pulled it out, watching its inlaid gemstones glisten in the dim light - ruby, sapphire and topaz. He quickly stooped and searched the body of the sorceress, pocketing the few charms and vials the old mage had requested in exchange for the amulet.

Interesting depiction of Drognan...somehow I’d imagined that he’d be a bit more open about things if he wanted to eliminate someone and take their possessions. He didn’t strike me as the scheming type, though this does work...sort of.

They walked along the garden path leading to the castle, each lost in his own thoughts. Overhead the night's first stars appeared, glittering like gemstones.

Nice image at the end, but...what’s the point? The last sentence doesn’t really tie into anything else in your story; it’s just tacked on the end. While that sort of description is okay in the middle of your story, the end is usually reserved for something to cap off the story and leave the reader with a feeling of completeness, suspense, or whatever.

In summary, this is a pretty decent read with only a handful of minor problems. Thanks for posting!

Slashco
05-11-2004, 02:45
Yeah, sorry if that post sounded a little desperate, it was just that after 3 days of being up my story had 10 views and 0 replies, and I was wondering what was going on...

Anyway, thanks for the constructive criticism. In reply to a few of your points:

About the city's climate, flora, etc.: I basically envisioned this story as happening quite some time (i.e., centuries) after the events of Diablo II, and that Lut Gholein was quite different, partly due to enchantments, time itself, and the changing of the world after the defeat of the Prime Evils, destruction of the Worldstone and so on. All the trees I listed exist in Mediterranean climates (Turkey, Lebanon, etc.,) and that's what I envisioned L.G. to be like during the 'present day'.

About Kellandra coming from the West: I needed to introduce a sorceress who wasn't familiar with elemental magic, that's why I specifically made her not one of the Zann Esu (the sorcs you play in D2). Since the Diablo universe isn't *that* specific, and there is not much information that would be considered canon, I thought I'd get away with it. Next time I'll do a bit more research.

Do you plan to describe Drognan any in this piece?(...)

I didn't describe him because I assumed everyone knows him from the game, and it seemed pointless. I see what you mean, though.

Re: spelling of 'across' and 'renown' - It's so common to see these spelled both ways that I actually had to look them up in a dictionary to make sure you were right. Thanks for the heads-up, though.

Ice doesn’t smolder. I’m not sure what effect you’re trying to describe with this.

If you've ever taken an ice cube from the freezer into room temperature, you could see water vapor coming off it like steam or smoke. It works even better with dry ice (that's what they use in fog machines). When something is extremely cold, like liquid nitrogen, vapor comes off it in thick waves. And with magical ice, in the tomb's dry air, it's more visible than ever. :)

Interesting depiction of Drognan...somehow I’d imagined that he’d be a bit more open about things if he wanted to eliminate someone and take their possessions. He didn’t strike me as the scheming type, though this does work...sort of.

He didn't want to eliminate Kellandra - she did that herself. He merely knew what would happen and decided to make the best of the situation.



Nice image at the end, but...what’s the point? The last sentence doesn’t really tie into anything else in your story; it’s just tacked on the end. While that sort of description is okay in the middle of your story, the end is usually reserved for something to cap off the story and leave the reader with a feeling of completeness, suspense, or whatever.

The nightfall brings a feeling of closure (to the day and the story), and the gemstone comparison is a reference to the stones that played such an important part in the story. I thought it worked, but I guess it's a matter of opinion.

And about the word spacing: I typed this up using Notepad, then later pasted it into Word to continue, and somewhere the word-wrap screwed up and changed a lot of the spaces between words. I thought I'd gotten them all fixed, but it appears I missed a bunch... oops.

Thanks again for reading. I'll certainly try to contribute more to this forum as soon as I have time. :)

RevenantsKnight
05-11-2004, 04:09
If you've ever taken an ice cube from the freezer into room temperature, you could see water vapor coming off it like steam or smoke. It works even better with dry ice (that's what they use in fog machines). When something is extremely cold, like liquid nitrogen, vapor comes off it in thick waves. And with magical ice, in the tomb's dry air, it's more visible than ever.

What you're describing is called sublimation (where matter goes from solid to gas) or simple evaporation in the case of liquid nitrogen. Unfortunately, that particular term is probably too technical for a Diablo II fanfic, so I'd suggest either a short description of sublimation instead of "smoldering" (i.e. ...she spun a needle-sharp icicle from nothingness, the frozen water filling the room with a ghostly vapor...) or just dropping this little bit altogether.

Also, since it was your intention to make Lut Gholein's climate much different than from the game...focus on it more. Drop a hint or two that the sands pulled back from the city gradually after some point, or that someone cranked out an enchantment to protect the port that had unusual side effects, or something like that. Otherwise, the reader will probably do what I did: assume that it's still a desert and then get confused.

Disco-neck Ted
05-11-2004, 22:31
...and I'd have to completely disagree with your well-intentioned advice. The smoldering ice-needle was a really vivid image for me. "Smoking" might have been more apt, more accessible, but "smoldering" takes that idea even further.

Don't change it. Don't explain. Just lay it out there and hope the reader can hold on for the ride.

Overall, this was pretty entertaining. Thanks for putting it out to be read. Some bits need help, though. If time permits later I'll poke at them.


Edit: the "smoke" from an ice cube is actually condensation. From dry ice it can be from condensation and/or sublimation. I.e. the solid CO2 is so cold that it can condense streamers of water vapor from the air, and likewise it skips the liquid stage as it changes phase and gives off gas.

RevenantsKnight
05-11-2004, 22:55
...and I'd have to completely disagree with your well-intentioned advice. The smoldering ice-needle was a really vivid image for me. "Smoking" might have been more apt, more accessible, but "smoldering" takes that idea even further.

Heh...this is certainly a viable option as well; I did get a similar image in my mind when I read the piece for the first time. It's just that "smoldering" is traditionally applied to fire, so it seems off to me when used to describe ice.

Ahh, viewpoint diversity...:)

Solarious
11-11-2004, 05:17
A very good story indeed! Excellent work. I hope you write more, it's quite high-quality :)

No, I won't comment, RK did all the comments I would make and more, won't bore you with them :p

Disco-neck Ted
11-11-2004, 07:16
Ok, not going to go through the whole thing, but a couple additional observations:

“...sweet waves of perfume that descended...”

Struck me as passive.

"The only sounds were of the wind in the trees, and a distant sussurating fountain."

RK is right, it isn't parallel. Plus, I don't think there really is a verb form of "susurrus" unless it is a recent addition to the language. Regardless, it would work better rearranged slightly:

"The only sounds were the wind in the trees, and the sussurations of a distant fountain."

This one is subtle:

“He leaned on his rune-covered staff, regarding the prince with a shrewd, penetrating and altogether uncomfortable look.”

This can be interpreted that Alheer (or even the look itself) is uncomfortable. The problem is directional and can be avoided by using a different word. Discomforting, discomfiting, and disconcerting all spring to mind, and all serve to indicate the effect the look has on the prince.

The last pick-pick-pick for the moment is one of content. The prince rails about the unfairness of the fight and the captain does not correct him. The old "life isn't fair" bit is a tad trite, but is still a lesson to be learned along with swordsmanship. Since you feel free (later) to get into the captain's head, it might be a good idea for him to have a reaction to this childishness, even if it is totally internal.

As mentioned, this was pretty good overall. Don't be afraid to write something totally non-diablo and stick it here for comments.

Troodon
14-11-2004, 23:54
A problem I found is that you have one sentence from the point of view of the guard captain when the rest of the story is from the prince's point of view. Specifically, I don't think the following fits:

"You never know what dangerous creatures might sneak up on you, Nadlak added mentally as he bowed and left the courtyard."

Also, if the moral of the fable is that you cannot depend completely on magic, isn't it odd that the barbarian wins because Drognan's magic is stronger than the sorceress's? I get the impression that he would have died without the amulet.