Not an rpg yet

[Khalic]

I suppose I could say that I had always suspected Mengsk. He always smiled in that half-smile, smug like his backwater bigot's drawl. He always spoke like a confederate, though his words were altruism. He said things would be different.

And I suppose I always knew the truth on some level. That war was war despite. That either side of the line rebel/oppressor felt the same when your finger was on that trigger.

It felt good though, for a while. And there was the girl. And both of those were drugs as much as the trikes are. Fooling yourself to feel it again.

They say the first step toward defeating addiction is admitting that you have a problem. This unfortunately leaves you open to the situation in which you admit you have a problem and don't give a ****.

I don't sleep while we're in space. You can make a room as dark as you want, but it isn't ever night. There aren't any organic sounds outside your ten-inch battle glass window. I remember sleeping outside back on Mar Sara, Backwater, Home. Drawing shapes in the dust streams and stars across the sky. Feeling that living air around me. We're resistance, so we can't afford psyches, but if we could, I'd tell mine that that was the reason I became an addict. And that's the reason I don't give a ****.

For the last four hours I've been drinking this bottle of non-fab Umojan whiskey, and loading this bracelet with a lethal dosage of the battle-use stimulant chemical tricycline k. The trick is making the bracelet distribute the lethal dose, not loading the dose. This applicator is made for soldiers trying to quit after they've been juiced up for too long in extended combat operations. Obviously the decreasing dosage programmed by default has been fixed for some time.

I don't understand why some girl's corpse is enough for me to do this, but I've always had morbid way of measuring love, tallying it in what happens to you when the person it's attached to inevitably gets killed.

I guess this means I loved her alot.

And this is why I think I loved her more than Raynor did.

Tieman said, "It's not what she would have wanted."

Yeah? She also didn't want alot of things. Getting orphaned, getting exploited, getting abandoned, and getting killed. Basically her entire life didn't go the way she wanted. Me and my pallet of baggage among other things.

I strap the string of median doses around my wrist and pull the clip tight.

I'm out too quickly to even hear my head hit the stainless steel floor.




Beat. Light.

flicker

I blink and close my eyes again. You can tell you’re hung over when the light beaming through between the slow blades of the ceiling fan feels like a fat bunch of knuckles, knocking on the inside of your forehead. You can tell you’re drunk when the clenched fist in your chest relaxes.

I’m lying awake with a lined checklist of aches. Dead, at the very last box on the list, is the only open one. Tieman is speaking to my left. Right? Left.

"That was a celebrity suicide attempt, Dana, but God obviously doesn't care to meet you yet. And the next highest up, Raynor, has sent you and his other second-in-commands a message. There's a meeting to discuss it in about half an hour.

"Drink some coffee and watch it. I've already hacked it and prepared your battle plans."

"How long was I out?"

"Eleven hours. Longest you've slept this month I imagine."

"This year. Give me the message on this console."

"Yes, sir."

"And give me some privacy."

"Yes, sir."


pro:james%ruler>
:briney’r%deep>

AUD FF>>

Dearest,

I know you're busy with your two old friends, but Lee has really to find himself in a spot of trouble once he finds out about Em's little bundle of joy. Nine months? More like nine days. Less for sure!

Lots of love,
Kerri

P.S. I've let your siblings know, quick and proper as well. They're excited as I'm sure you'll be.

%://hit*sm>

sr/>>

EC: **********
DC: ******



The screen flickers to life, the visual equivalent of white noise slowly congealing into a familiar face. Father figure, brother in arms, rival for a certain woman, friend on slow days, and overbearing boss. Jim Raynor, General, appears on screen, looking grave and pale, unshaven for at least as long as he's been awake. Tired but intense. Balding steadily.

He looks down and shakes his head. He's speaking but his mouth is out of sight.

"I can hear you from here.

"Yes. Mengsk ****ed us.

"Yes. You told me so."

He looks up.

"And yes. It is now your problem."


He takes a breath, looks down again, and then fixes his eyes on the screen. I start to say "bull****".

"Sarah is dead, Dane. Alan is dead too. And it should tear me up more than you, but I know about the trikes."

I look away, eyes falling on the flat silver cigarette case between my knife and sidearm, thinking of soft sheets and softer skin, all pale and lacy.

"With our forces broken and scattered, our options have run low. I'm taking my men to Char, where we'll use the only thing we have enough of lately, time. We're the most broken and scarcely armed or fed. But you, Van, Nimble, you're all close enough to Tarsonis and well enough and pissed enough for the other option.

"What we have left now, Dane, is revenge. Mengsk ****ed us. Mengsk killed Sarah, but his final play, the downfall of the Confederacy, is not yet complete.

"We will handle the Ion Cannon. Destroy the Psi Emitters and the zerg will pause, consider, and as we project, probably raze Korhal.

"What else do you want Dane? Should I guilt you? Should I morally compel you? If you aren't inspired by now, it's your choice. We've only got definite locations for half the emitters, while Duke is placing more. And if you're too late, your life is as likely forefeit as everyone elses."

He leans forward and there is an anticlimactic clicking sound. The word 'End' appears on screen, like I just sat through some pretentious piece of black and white art vid ****.



"Tieman, you were right."

"Thanks, but you're still sleeping on the couch."

"Whatever. Let's just get this down so everyone inside of and seeing the inside of this room is clear."

"Right. We have around a hundred and thirty hours. The plan originally called for ten emitters, six of which we placed, two of which we know the locations of, and two that haven't been placed.

"We've got a thirty-thousand cubic mile section of planet, debris, and space to cover to find ten of these two-foot-tall devices you see here before me. We can track them and kill them pretty easily, so the biggest obstacle will be the several billion beleaguered Confederate hostiles whose home planet we will be orbiting the entire mission.

"In addition there are nearing a trillion massed aliens at our backs, and certain death for anyone still here one-hundred-and-forty hours from now. We'll have three novas, each one basically a few hundred ex-Saran resistance soldiers, a few squadrons of fighters, and a few dropships full of weapons and supplies, each operating at a pace to kill four emitters by our deadline. You're playing whatever role gets this all done.

"Go."

[tamrend]

Fantastic. By the time I finished the first paragraph, I knew I was going to like this one.

I couldn't find any actual mistakes, but I had to re-read the part where the character wakes up to understand what was going on. Intentional?

[Üdorim]

"but I've always had morbid way of measuring love"

a morbid way?

morbid ways?

It might be style, I dunno, but it still doesn't seem right to me. There's another something like this around the same area, but it currently eludes me...

Eh, anyway, I also had to re-read a few sections, for understanding, but then afterward I also chose to re-read them again, because they good. Great!, even.

[RevenantsKnight]

Interesting...I don't often see stuff from Starcraft, so this caught my attention early on. Overall, I'd say it's a good first chapter, with an intriguing plot and some decidedly believable characters, but it's a little confusing at times and hard to read through. I'm not sure if that's intentional, erroneous, or just your style, but I'll point these instances out for you to look at.

Anyway, on we go!

That war was war despite.

Despite what? This feels like you're missing something at the end here.

That either side of the line rebel/oppressor felt the same when your finger was on that trigger.

It felt good though, for a while. And there was the girl. And both of those were drugs as much as the trikes are. Fooling yourself to feel it again.

They say the first step toward defeating addiction is admitting that you have a problem. This unfortunately leaves you open to the situation in which you admit you have a problem and don't give a ****.

I liked this part; the character of a burned-out, grim soldier really came across here.



For the last four hours I've been drinking this bottle of non-fab Umojan whiskey, and loading this bracelet with a lethal dosage of the battle-use stimulant chemical tricycline k.

Minor technical note: "tetracycline" is an antibiotic, so "tricycline" probably wouldn't be a military stimulant. Known stimulants are neurotransmitters such as epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine, so I'd suggest modifying one of those to suit your purposes.

The trick is making the bracelet distribute the lethal dose, not loading the dose.

The last clause doesn't make sense to me...you may want to revise it.

I guess this means I loved her alot.

"A lot" is two words.

You can tell you’re hung over when the light beaming through between the slow blades of the ceiling fan feels like a fat bunch of knuckles, knocking on the inside of your forehead.

I’m lying awake with a lined checklist of aches. Dead, at the very last box on the list, is the only open one. Tieman is speaking to my left. Right? Left.

Nice images. That's really gotta suck...

"And the next highest up, Raynor, has sent you and his other second-in-commands a message."

Technically, that's "seconds-in-command," though since it's coming from a soldier, not a scholar, I don't expect it to be perfect. Leave as it is unless the correctness is important to you.

[QUOTE=Khalic]
pro:james%ruler>
:briney’r%deep>

AUD FF>>

Dearest,

I know you're busy with your two old friends, but Lee has really to find himself in a spot of trouble once he finds out about Em's little bundle of joy. Nine months? More like nine days. Less for sure!

Lots of love,
Kerri

P.S. I've let your siblings know, quick and proper as well. They're excited as I'm sure you'll be.

%://hit*sm>

sr/>>

EC: **********
DC: ******

Maybe I missed something, but this just came out of nowhere for me and makes no sense.

Anyway, good start so far. I look forward to future posts :)

[Khalic]

Tamrend: Though I have the ability to deflect nearly anything from my style just by calling it style, it's funny you mention that part. It's the newest of the piece, about an hour old when you saw it.

Udorim: That wasn't style, and woe upon this forum for not having a late edit button. It's an old error though, one i've been skipping for a long time now. Should be "a morbid way".

Revenant: Your first critique seems to make sense in context. As for the drug, that was another recent addition, which, I admit, I dropped in there basically hoping someone who knew anything could advise me on drugs that make more sense. The dosage one sounds odd or off to me too, though the last time I looked at it, I couldn't decide on a fix. Alot I spell so sort of on my own, and never really try to fix. And that last one, the bunch of odd symbols and words was supposed to be the coded message that is decoded and then played for him right after.

In general it's been a better response than I could have hoped for. Thanks guys.

[RevenantsKnight]

As for the drug, that was another recent addition, which, I admit, I dropped in there basically hoping someone who knew anything could advise me on drugs that make more sense.

If you aren't set on using a chemical name (or something that sounds like one,) then you could always come up with some sort of trademark for the substance name. I mean, everyone calls fluoxetine Prozac, since that's what it's known as on the packaging.

The dosage one sounds odd or off to me too, though the last time I looked at it, I couldn't decide on a fix.

If I read your meaning correctly, you could say something like "The trick is to set the thing to deliver the dose slowly over time, instead of letting it dump it all at once into my bloodstream." Don't use this sentence as is; I hacked it out with maybe thirty seconds' consideration, so apologies for any errors in it.

Alot I spell so sort of on my own, and never really try to fix.

Well, there's no time like the present to start trying. :)

And that last one, the bunch of odd symbols and words was supposed to be the coded message that is decoded and then played for him right after.

Hrm...you never mention that the message was coded, so I didn't pick up on that. You might want to clarify this in a future draft.

[Khalic]

Preparations were under way, we had thirty minutes. People danced through the makeshift halls in the hangar, rifles and strings of ammunition or cannisters of fuel hanging from their shoulders, hands full with body armor or tools, their legs carrying them around and about eachother, each in a different pattern. Seeking another item to heighten the chance of their survival.

I was packing when she came back, layering serrated death over hypodermic death, over high-explosive, corrosive death.

Introducing Lieutenant-Colonel Christina Tieman. Not my superior, except in professionalism and maturity.

"Don't go." She said, stopping in the doorway. The dance froze around her, eyes darted up from the tables, or away from the flight plans.

"Thanks for staying quiet earlier."

"It wasn't worth it." She took a step forward, and now all eyes followed her.

I kept my eyes on her now, speaking, "Spare me. Now that we're here, we've come upon a decision with only one logical answer. Whether human or alien life is more important."

"You're going to die over a corpse and the lives of your enemies. You're a lunatic!" But she looked the lunatic now, her eyes were wide. The white hair that usually obscured her expression was wild, and her detachment lost its mystery. She was a hateful shade that moved among us.

"I'm," she started to say, and drew her weapon, and maybe some day she would have caught me, but with my pack obscuring her aim, my quick step, and the needle plunged deep into her spine, her mood was quickly broken.

She slumped onto me, and I cradled her head to lay her down. She squinted her eyes and said, "Oh, good."

"Wake her after we've departed."

[0xDEADCAFE]

Good stuff. I'm referring mainly to the first part, not the last bit, but it's fine, too. Sometimes when I read something I have no particular comments. Usually that happens when I am sort of magnetically drawn by the words to the point where little or no mental space is left for idle rumination. I'd say that happened here. (That means good.)

Well, maybe I have one comment. Loved this line: "And yes. It is now your problem."

Hmmm. And one more. Something bothers me about the period in that sentence. If Raynor delivers it in one breath, then it should probably be a comma rather than a period. On the other hand, if Raynor hesitated after "yes," then I'd say that would merit some deliberate highlighting. Maybe he sniffs or his cheek twitches or his glance shifts--something. I would prefer to think of Raynor as someone with at least some conscience left, no matter how war torn. Only a soulless abomination could deliver a line like that without choking on it a little. (IMHO)

Again, good job. Hope to see more.

[Snowglare]

Holy necromancy, Batman! K! Where have you been? Good to see you posting again, do make it a habit. I like the layers of death. And the other stuff. I read it all out of context-like, but in and of itself... nice. I'll have to read the older bits sometime. Or reread. I may have read them before. Could not tell you. Ooh, "war was war despite." That's good. More of this later, definitely. Mental note.

Post more!

[RevenantsKnight]

Welcome back, Khalic. Good to see that there’s more coming.

Regarding your latest addition, I’d say that it seems a bit light on the context to really draw me in, though it’s not bad by any means. I do like the way you’re slowly revealing your characters and the situation without just up and telling it to the reader, so I’m guessing my lack of engagement and the minimal context is due more to the overall length and the time delay between installments. Hopefully, that’ll resolve itself as the story plays out, so I wouldn’t call this a problem right now so much as an FYI. One little comment on the old post that I missed:

"We will handle the Ion Cannon. Destroy the Psi Emitters and the zerg will pause, consider, and as we project, probably raze Korhal."

If this is Mission 10 of the Terran campaign, the planet involved is Tarsonis, not Korhal. That, and “zerg” should be capitalized.

Now, to the new stuff:

Preparations were under way, we had thirty minutes.

Technically, these are two complete clauses, as you’re changing grammatical subjects (first “Preparations” and then “we,”), so the comma here isn’t enough to connect them. I’d use a semicolon if you want this to be one sentence, or just switch out the comma for a period.

People danced through the makeshift halls in the hangar, rifles and strings of ammunition or cannisters of fuel hanging from their shoulders, hands full with body armor or tools, their legs carrying them around and about eachother, each in a different pattern.

“Canisters” is spelled with one “n,” as far as I know, though your usage may be also be an accepted spelling. Also, “each other” should be two words.

Seeking another item to heighten the chance of their survival.

Technically, this isn’t a complete sentence, as there’s no subject; if you wanted this to be grammatically correct, I’d add it to the end of the preceding one or work up some sort of beginning like “They were seeking...” It does sound okay as it is, though, so you could probably just invoke creative license here and leave it as is.

I was packing when she came back, layering serrated death over hypodermic death, over high-explosive, corrosive death.

Not sure what to make of this. It’s a strongly worded image, but the image itself is rather muddled. I’m not sure what each of those descriptions represent, and though I get the feeling that it doesn’t really matter, I don’t quite know if it’s worth having something vivid but unclear here.

"Don't go." She said, stopping in the doorway.

The period after “go” should be a comma, and “she” should be in lowercase.

The dance froze around her, eyes darted up from the tables, or away from the flight plans.

A grammatical detail: the comma after “her” should be a period or a semicolon, as this is two potential sentences hooked together. More importantly, I didn’t really get an impression of where Dane was or what he was doing, so when you mention the parts after the first clause, it’s a little surprising to find out that there are a bunch of people around them and all. Although it’s not exactly the point here, I might suggest spending a little more time on the setting, so as to draw the reader into the story some more with lifelike details.

I kept my eyes on her now, speaking, "Spare me."

“Speaking” seems like it should be “saying,” but maybe that’s just me.

"Now that we're here, we've come upon a decision with only one logical answer. Whether human or alien life is more important."

This confused me, since “only one logical answer” led me to believe that the answer would be described next, and “whether human or alien life is more important” didn’t carry any meaning for me. Maybe I’m just being dense (which is quite possible,) but I’m not sure if your point comes across clearly here, or if I’m even guessing what it is correctly.

But she looked the lunatic now, her eyes were wide.

Technically, the comma here should be a period or semicolon, since you use two subjects (“she” and “her eyes.”)

Overall, I’d definitely like to see where this is heading; what you’ve shown so far is interesting, and I suspect (and hope) things will fall into place in my head as the story goes on. Thanks for posting!

[Khalic]

A woman once asked herself: "Is there really any such thing as reason?"

She was half-knelt, fingers slick with red, cradling a man's head and shoulders in her lap. He made a sound and she said.

"I thought you'd say that, but is there any such thing as the illusion logic?

No, of course not. These things are like all the others when you examine them. Faith-based. Utterly."

She says this as she's sliding her hand down his throat. He's trying to bite down with his broken jaw, and his eyes are frantic, and then they are shut tight. She closes her hand and pulls, and in her clenched fingers is a quivering pink worm, oozing blood and water, but her grip is sure thanks to the sandpaper she's holding it in.

His eyes are frantic as he sees this, and realizing what she has impaled and in her grip, he shuts his eyes and tries to scream.

"There was an ancient sect of pilgrims dedicated to the god of death, who would yearly go out and join other pilgrimages, and one night they would strangle their companions, and bury the bodies in the desert.

"Around those times there was a god named Krsna, who said that one of the three ways to enlightenment is simply to have faith, in anything at all."

She says this as she's fingering his right eye. She says "I've never been good with faith though, I'd say I have faith, that this is going to hurt, but I honestly know two things that make that a faithless fact. One: It will create the nerve impulses that go to your brain and tell you what is happening, and Two: that I have been hurt. By bad people like you."

He can see, he sees her leaning and her hand, and he struggles as well as a man in his position can. Which is to say, not well. His body heaves up, but falls predictably. His arms can't even flail in the shape they're in. He can only move his eyes frantically. Then he shuts them tight.

When I wake up, my eyes are still shut tight.

I smile. Nightmares are funny, the way you remember new things about old harms.

But like momma said, you've got to live better, and that girl, her name was Sarah Kerrigan. And yesterday I killed her.


Later. Low lights, tall figures arrayed around a flat display.

A voice, quick, whispered, "This is them."

A feminine voice, "The Merrimac is six-hundred kilometers from position. The target's defenses are prepared."

A word, dragged slowly from a deep place, "Solutions."

"Boarding maunvers, assault and liberation of the vessel, execution of traitors."

"Particle weapons trained on their reactors, destruction of fliers."

An option, in my own voice, "Destroy them, the tachyon gun is available and it is the quickest way to deal with the emitters on board."

The rustle of disagreement, and then its voice, "The junior officer is clearly mistaken. Prepare the marines. Surpressing volleys. Boarding in the pattern outlined before you. Lieutenant Forward will lead the boarding manuver."

[RevenantsKnight]

My apologies about this taking as long as it did...things have been crazier than I’d like.

On your latest section: well, maybe it’s just me, but I found this part to be a bit more disorienting than previous installments. I mean, I get what’s happening, in the literal sense, but the level of detail is such that I feel like the story doesn’t present anything in a bigger picture that the reader can use as a reference point. This also seems more rushed than your other chapters, particularly in terms of mechanics, even though there’re still some good wordings and such here and there. Some specific comments:

She was half-knelt, fingers slick with red, cradling a man's head and shoulders in her lap.

That should be “was half-kneeling,”

He made a sound and she said.

"I thought you'd say that, but is there any such thing as the illusion logic?"

This should be one sentence, with all of this on one line and the period after “said” replaced with a comma.

She says this as she's sliding her hand down his throat.

There’s a tense shift in the narration at this point; everything before it is in the past tense, while the dream afterwards is all in the present tense. I don’t really think it matters too much as to which you use, though I definitely think you should pick one and stick with it; I can’t really see a reason for that change. That aside, if you keep this in the present tense, “she’s sliding” sounds like it might be better as “she slides,” since it avoids using a contraction in the narration. I think it’d be correct either way, and this is probably purely subjective, but that’s my thought here.

He's trying to bite down with his broken jaw, and his eyes are frantic, and then they are shut tight.

“They are shut tight” implied to me that she closes his eyes, perhaps with her other hand. If that’s not what you meant, I’d switch to the active voice here. Also, I might reword “He’s trying” to “He tries,” since that removes the contraction and the passive voice.

She closes her hand and pulls, and in her clenched fingers is a quivering pink worm, oozing blood and water, but her grip is sure thanks to the sandpaper she's holding it in.

Nothing if not vivid, I’ll say that. The end of this gets confusing, though, as the sandpaper really seems to come out of nowhere, which threw me for a loop, especially since its presence seems a little gratuitous, as well as odd (you’d think they’d have figured out something else to use by now...) Also, the “she’s holding it in” part at the end reads clumsily to me; if anything, it seems like you could cut everything after “water,” but that’s just me.

His eyes are frantic as he sees this, and realizing what she has impaled and in her grip, he shuts his eyes and tries to scream.

“...has impaled and in her grip” sounded awkward to me, and I’m also not sure why you’re using “impaled” here...it seems like this could have been a bit clearer.

"Around those times there was a god named Krsna, who said that one of the three ways to enlightenment is simply to have faith, in anything at all."

This could definitely be me and the things flying through my head these days, but when I first read that name, I saw “Krishna.” Not sure if that was intentional or not, but I’d suggest changing it somewhat so as to not have that similarity.

She says this as she's fingering his right eye.

I’d change “she’s fingering” to “she fingers,” as with a few previous examples; this is a pretty minor point, though.

She says "I've never been good with faith though, I'd say I have faith, that this is going to hurt, but I honestly know two things that make that a faithless fact."

I think there should be commas after “says” and the first “faith,” and the comma after the second “faith” seems unnecessary. Also, it seems like the comma after “though” should be a period, since there’s a shift in focus after that point.

"One: It will create the nerve impulses that go to your brain and tell you what is happening, and Two: that I have been hurt."

I don’t think “It” and “Two” should be capitalized, even when they function as part of a list, like they do here. Other than that, the way you have this is probably fine, though I might have just used commas instead of colons.

He can see, he sees her leaning and her hand, and he struggles as well as a man in his position can.

Maybe it’s just me, but this reads as if the comma after “see” should be more of a stop than it is. I’d use a period or semicolon, personally.

His arms can't even flail in the shape they're in.

Other than the contractions, which I might remove, I might be more specific about the condition of his arms, if only because that would allow a different wording that might sound a little cleaner.

A voice, quick, whispered, "This is them."

Technically, there should be a verb, such as “said,” before the speech (I’m reading “whispered” as an adjective here.) It’d probably also be fine if you just ended the sentence after “whispered” by changing the comma there to a period, but it reads a bit oddly as it is. This is true of the rest of this part of the story, so if you do make a change here, there’re a number of other instances that could use it as well.

A feminine voice, "The Merrimac is six-hundred kilometers from position."

“Six hundred” shouldn’t be hyphenated. That, and the historical Merrimac was actually called the Virginia by the Confederate States of America, if that’s what you’re using as a base for the name.

A word, dragged slowly from a deep place, "Solutions."

I liked the description here. :thumbsup:

"Boarding maunvers, assault and liberation of the vessel, execution of traitors."

“Maneuvers” has two instances of the letter “e” in it.

An option, in my own voice, "Destroy them, the tachyon gun is available and it is the quickest way to deal with the emitters on board."

The comma after “them” should be a period or a semicolon. That minor point aside, I don’t know where “tachyon” came from (Star Trek, maybe?) but it’s not in any Starcraft material I know. I’d remove it for that reason, because crossing over material or terminology from other universes is bound to get confusing.

"Surpressing volleys."

That should be “suppressing.”

"Lieutenant Forward will lead the boarding manuver."

“Maneuver” has two instances of the letter “e” in it. Other than that, I wasn’t sure what to make of “Lieutenant Forward,” as I have no idea who that is. I suppose I could have been reading too much into this, but since you ended with this, I was guessing that it was supposed to be significant, and that left me wondering what the heck I’d missed. That sense of incompleteness and lack of detail was something that I felt in this last part, generally, and I would say that kept me from getting engaged in the story here. This may still work, if you start filling in some more details pretty soon, but I’d honestly have to say that the sense of knowing so little here is weakening my interest.

Overall, I’d say that this still has its moments, but I’d think that a better sense of the situation involving Dane and the bigger picture here would really help things. Best of luck with whatever comes next, and thanks for posting!

[Khalic]

Thanks for the attention to detail. The next part is already written, but this part is definitely weak. With your suggestions I've got plenty to go on.

A couple of details to explain.

The tense change, well it's gone in the rewrite but it felt okay at the time.

The sandpaper, also gone, but it never was there in the first place, it was a detail of a feeling in the first version, how it made it up is a mystery I suppose.

The spelling. Generally I can work without a spellcheck, but now that I've started writing on my laptop in notepad I don't have the luxury of the choice.

Krsna may also go, it's a spelling of Krishna.

Virginia is right, on all counts you're right.

Tachyon gun. Okay, well this goes back to the origin of the Starcraft term 'Yamato Gun.' In the anime series Space Battleship Yamato the wave motion gun, or Yamato gun is their super weapon that completely drains the ship after use. In a completely non-scientific sense it worked by redirecting tachyon energy from the ship's wave motion engine. The Yamato gun in starcraft presumably gets its name from this weapon, and that's where the tachyons came from. Considering my hate for uncreative made up scientific terms, I should probably change this one out. But I also hate stories that go, "I swung my Unique Hellslayer axe in a whirling motion, mowing through the blue-skinned Carvers toward their master Mephisto. Switching quickly to my plus 500% magic find equipment I knew in my heart, this would be the run that I would finally be rewarded a Buriza." In other words, using too many specific terms from the game.

Lieutenant Forward is the narrator. He gets sent out on the mission.

[Khalic]

A woman once asked herself: "Is there really any such thing as reason?"

She’s kneeling, fingers slick with red, cradling a man's head and shoulders in her lap. There’s a gurgling sound and she replies to it, "I thought you'd say that, but is there any such thing as the illusion logic? No, of course not. These things are like all the others when you examine them. Faith-based. Utterly."

She says this as she slides her hand down his throat. He tries to bite down with his broken jaw, and his eyes are frantic, and then they are shut tight. She closes her hand and pulls, and in her clenched fingers is a quivering pink worm, oozing blood and water.

His eyes are frantic as he sees this, and realizing what she has impaled and in her grip, he shuts his eyes and tries to scream.

"There was an ancient sect of pilgrims dedicated to the god of death, who would yearly go out and join other pilgrimages, and one night they would strangle their companions, and bury the bodies in the desert.

"Around those times there was a god named Krsna, who said that one of the three ways to enlightenment is simply to have faith, in anything at all."

She says this as she's fingering his right eye. She says "I've never been good with faith though, I'd say I have faith, that this is going to hurt, but I honestly know two things that make that a faithless fact. One: It will create the nerve impulses that go to your brain and tell you what is happening, and Two: that I have been hurt. By bad people like you."

He can see, he sees her leaning and her hand, and he struggles as well as a man in his position can. Which is to say, not well. His body heaves up, but falls predictably. One of his arms is pinned under his back, the other is bent unnaturally just above the elbow. His fingers writhe and roll into fists. Other than that, he can only move his eyes frantically. Then he shuts them tight.

When I wake up, my eyes are still shut tight.

I smile. Nightmares are funny, the way you remember new things about old harms.

But like momma said, you've got to live better, and that girl, her name was Sarah Kerrigan. And yesterday I killed her.



Later. Lights alternately red and yellow, tall figures arrayed around a flat display. The red lights flash and then go dark. The orange tip of a single cigarette is visible. Then the display comes to eerie green life, showing three shapes above the planet below.

A voice, instructing, directed at the middle shape, "This is them." The display focuses more tightly. Words appear, Korhal Flagship and Psi Emitters and a series of numbers, 0200, 78960, 0700.

A feminine voice, "The Virginia,” Another number, “ Six-hundred kilometers from position. The target's defenses are prepared. Another Korhal faction vessel is within range to engage, but it’s offensive capabilities are negligible.”

A word, dragged slowly from a deep place, "Solutions."

"Boarding maneuvers, assault and liberation of the vessel, execution of traitors."

"Particle weapons trained on their reactors, destruction of fliers."

An option, in my own voice, "Destroy them; the Yamato weapon is available and it is the quickest way to deal with the emitters on board."

The rustle of disagreement, and then its voice, "The Lieutenant Forward is clearly mistaken. Prepare the marines. Suppressing volleys. Boarding in the pattern outlined before you. For his presumption, the junior officer will lead the boarding maneuver."

[Khalic]

As it were, the noise of thunder.


Overlaid is the chatter of dozens of voices.

"We've got em running platforms, a few thousand miles."

"The tank shot a rod starting Fog eleven, advise?"

"The commander's star is ready. We're dropping in for you to space us."

That deep sound that doesn't come from a direction so much as from the ground and the walls around you, bounding around and through the metal cavern and echoing forever until its just a vibration.

My coffin shudders, and then I am falling, but sitting still. Weightless. And the grinding thunder grows.

The sound of the great, arcane gears stirring to life, fusion-powered hydraulics. Thorium and Titan grinding with the atlas arms turning the wheels. The cavern splits along its center and twists apart while I spin. The floor becomes the ceiling becomes the wall at my back. I'm sitting and facing a great window to open space and stars, all lazily stirring while I sit still.

And the sound is finished, with all the leftover air gone out.

The panel in front of me turns from gray to green and the display expands over the entire cockpit. I let it guide me automatically into formation.

"It's a good thing we don't get solid food, that was a sick hell of a drop, Op."

"Black star is out. Fog is armed and ready, but they'll be one short if we space them now."
"They're closing. Under two thousand."

"Third star ain't ready, just go."

"This is Tieman. The first star is out. Get those tanks out of the way and prepare to space the second star."

"We're in a hurry, if you hadn't heard."

"They're slowing. This is it."

"I heard, Op."

"Fog star is out. Clear the third deck to draw the shields in ten seconds."

"Iron star is clean. That's clean on star three."

"Do it."

"Alright alright, let's do this ****."

"They're stopped. Sitting ducks. Drop in and smoke em, Chasseur Neb."


The chatter dies as we exit the safe broadcast area. There is no communication among the star or the neb.

My coffin accelerates cleanly to fifteen and then twenty thousand miles. The line of our star and the others stretches as we speed up, and then our target is visible.

"Jam them." Is heard over the comm, and then I switch it do dead, manually. Anyone still listening to it undampened is bleeding from their ears and possibly their eyes.
The lights on the back of the lead plane glare steadily, and then my display goes red, and the lights flash once and disappear. The ordered line becomes chaos and then nada, and I hit the cloak and break formation along my set path. Slowly, the outside that I can see becomes nothing, and I feel more like I am really sitting inside a hoodless coffin.

The target looms in the blackness between the orange horizon and the first silver moon. It's hours wide and decades long, a gray streak standing out on the black, lit nearly white on one side, fading to black on the belly.

They can't see us, but they're firing anyway. There are clouds of tracer fire issuing from the ship, growing larger and closer as we descend. The first lines are easy to pick up, and predictable in their patterns. Gunners are taught to cross streams with eachother. The cloud becomes a web and there is sound now, screaming sounds of velocity, snare drum sounds of small deaths all around you.

Step on a crack, you break your momma's back.

There is a flash to my left. Too far off to hear, but I'm sure my wingman is dead. The target that was a streak in the massive void has grown impossibly quickly. It's now a miles tall dark tower stretching between heaven and hell.

"Break planes, you know your targets. And watch the confederates. They're already on board. Keep your lines. It hurts, but less than death."

My display is tracing the progress of the confederate attackers. The gunshot-straight lines of their unpiloted pods lance into the hulking enemy ship. The display cancels lines here and there, while dozens continue in and find their marks. Each hit counts ten soldiers inside, the average number surviving the boarding. It traces probable pathways on the authentic structural readout. Their training dictates that they will proceed immediately toward the false bridge and the fake reactors, while our spiralling lines drop in and we disable the emitters onboard and find the locations of the other targets.

I am jolted from my revirie by a warning, but too late, I rip the plane out of its pattern. My fingers squeeze to numbness, a chill runs over my forearms as the tiny hairs begin to poke out, this all happens between heartbeats. I never see the missle, but it rips the anterior wing from my plane, sending me spinning down out of the pattern.

I let the steering go and with both hands, reaching down between by legs into my supplies. I grab my helmet and my bracelet, strapping the first on and feeling the oxygen feed increase with pressure. The other I stab into my wrist and strap tight. The spin slows, I take the controls, fire the recoverys, and briefly define the word "retrograde" before my plane crashes through a docking shield.

It could have been the drugs, the G-force, or the crash. I blacked out at the height of the effects of each.

[RevenantsKnight]

Before I get started on the new part, here’re a few last comments on the latest version of the dream sequence and briefing:

"Around those times there was a god named Krsna, who said that one of the three ways to enlightenment is simply to have faith, in anything at all."

Nothing to do with the story, necessarily, but is this view actually from an Indian religious sect? I’m just curious.

Lights alternately red and yellow, tall figures arrayed around a flat display.

This sounded a bit odd, as this has a fragment-like feel to it and the rest of the paragraph are distinctly complete sentences. I’m not entirely sure what I’d suggest in this case, because most of the rest of the scene reads like fragments, which I’m guessing is intentional; I’d probably change the wordings so that this paragraph is relatively consistent, though.

The orange tip of a single cigarette is visible.

I might reword this so that it’s not in the passive voice, as that would probably also give you a chance to make this a little more visual. Something like “...cigarette glows like dying sunlight” might make a greater impact on the reader, though I don’t think I’d use that particular phrasing.

A feminine voice, "The Virginia,” Another number, “ Six-hundred kilometers from position.”

The comma after “Virginia” should be a period, and there’s an extra space before “six hundred.”

“Another Korhal faction vessel is within range to engage, but it’s offensive capabilities are negligible.”

“It’s” should be “its.”

An option, in my own voice, "Destroy them; the Yamato weapon is available and it is the quickest way to deal with the emitters on board."

Dane, or Lt. Forward, seems to have a distinctly different style of speaking in this case than the others present. I’m not sure if it’s intentional, or if it really matters, but it definitely stuck out to me.

An aside: the backstory on the Yamato Gun was cool, but I doubt most Starcraft players would get it without you explaining the reference, so removing “tachyons” was a good call, in my opinion. And yeah, that sample sentence you put up is just nasty.

The rustle of disagreement, and then its voice, "The Lieutenant Forward is clearly mistaken."

I’d drop the second “the” in this sentence, but that’s just me.

"For his presumption, the junior officer will lead the boarding maneuver."

This took me by surprise, because I had the impression that Dane was far more of a ranking officer than this makes him out to be, what with the “celebrity suicide attempt” line and the direct message from Raynor in the first chapter. You may want to get some more opinions on this, but I’d say that it’d definitely help to make his position much clearer.


On to the newest installment: I have to echo my previous comments that I’m not entirely sure what’s going on due to a lack of explanation and big-picture knowledge. Don’t get me wrong, I like not having everything spelled out for me, but I think this cuts things too finely. The dialogue in particular seems very believable, but hard to understand at points to an observer without experience in these sorts of missions, which the reader definitely is. Some specific comments:

"We've got em running platforms, a few thousand miles."

A few details here: there should be an apostrophe before “em,” technically, and you’ve been using kilometers previously, so the switch to miles here seems a little odd.

"The tank shot a rod starting Fog eleven, advise?"

I have no clue whatsoever what this meant. Frankly, it sounded like you put it in because it seemed like appropriate jargon, which I’d definitely avoid. This also applies to the previous sentence, but to a much smaller degree because it’s more understandable than this. Furthermore, because it comes before a line that is actually meaningful (at least, I think it is,) but is structurally similar, this led me to skip the next sentence at first. Giving the reader a taste of the communications chatter isn’t a bad idea per se, but I’d take pains to make sure that it’s all very clear what each line means (something like “Standby to launch boarding vessels” is hard to take the wrong way, for instance,) so that you don’t lose your audience.

That deep sound that doesn't come from a direction so much as from the ground and the walls around you, bounding around and through the metal cavern and echoing forever until its just a vibration.

The “its” at the end of the sentence should be “it’s.”

The sound of the great, arcane gears stirring to life, fusion-powered hydraulics.

“Arcane” sounded odd to me here, even with the imagery in the following sentence. I’m not sure if I’d replace it with something else, maybe “mysterious” or “wondrous,” though it may work as it is.

Thorium and Titan grinding with the atlas arms turning the wheels.

“Thorium” felt out of place here to me, since “grinding” is not really a verb I’d associate with nuclear reactions (correct me if it’s not being used as some sort of nuclear fuel here.) Also, I think “Atlas” should be capitalized.

And the sound is finished, with all the leftover air gone out.

If you want to make the imagery here a little more evocative, I might word the first part here in the active voice, using something like “And the sound dies,” playing on the fact that all the air goes out. Just a thought; I’m not really sure if that would fit what you want.

"It's a good thing we don't get solid food, that was a sick hell of a drop, Op."

The comma after “food” should be a period or a semicolon, technically, since there are two subjects here (the “it” in “It’s” and “that.”)

"Black star is out. Fog is armed and ready, but they'll be one short if we space them now."

Generally speaking, this stretch of dialogue felt a bit low on details, sort of like the end of the previous chapter. I’ll admit to liking more grounding in the setting itself, personally, because otherwise I can get lost outside of the instant I’m reading about at any given moment, so my opinion’s definitely biased.

"Alright alright, let's do this ****."

There should be a comma after the first “Alright.”

"Drop in and smoke em, Chasseur Neb."

There should be an apostrophe before “em.”

There is no communication among the star or the neb.

I’m not sure what you meant here by “neb.” The best guess I have is a bill or beak, but that doesn’t seem to work unless it’s a ship’s name or something, in which case it should be capitalized.

My coffin accelerates cleanly to fifteen and then twenty thousand miles.

“Accelerates” suggests a speed, not a distance, so I’d change the ending here to be “miles per hour” or something like that; this is also a units issue that I’ve mentioned previously, so “kilometers per X” might be good instead, given previous chapters.

The line of our star and the others stretches as we speed up, and then our target is visible.

That should be “The lines of our star and the others stretch...”

"Jam them." Is heard over the comm, and then I switch it do dead, manually.

The period after “them” should be a comma, “is” shouldn’t be capitalized, and I think you mean “to dead” instead of “do dead.”

Anyone still listening to it undampened is bleeding from their ears and possibly their eyes.

I think there should be a blank line after this sentence. Nice image, though.

The lights on the back of the lead plane glare steadily, and then my display goes red, and the lights flash once and disappear.

I wouldn’t use “plane” in this case, since that implies an atmospheric vehicle. “Craft” would probably work, in my opinion. If you do change this, I’d suggest reading the piece over in its entirety to make sure you catch all the instances, because there’re a bunch of them.

It's hours wide and decades long, a gray streak standing out on the black, lit nearly white on one side, fading to black on the belly.

Another nice description. :smiley:

The first lines are easy to pick up, and predictable in their patterns. Gunners are taught to cross streams with eachother.

“Each other” is two words, and I might try to combine these two into one sentence, since the second sentence explains the first. One possible way to do this would be to replace the period after “patterns” with a comma and adding “since.”

The cloud becomes a web and there is sound now, screaming sounds of velocity, snare drum sounds of small deaths all around you.

I wasn’t clear on why there’s sound at this point; if it’s because this is now in atmosphere, then I missed their reentry. Also, I’d delete the “you” at the end of the sentence, since this makes the point without it and addressing the reader directly in narration feels awkward in this case.

Too far off to hear, but I'm sure my wingman is dead.

See previous comment on sound and the position.

"Break planes, you know your targets. And watch the confederates."

If the first part of the sentence is an order for the craft around to break away, there should be a comma after “break,” because as it is, it reads like a command to go and break some planes. Additionally, I think “Confederates” should be capitalized, and the comma after “planes” should be a period or a semicolon.

My display is tracing the progress of the confederate attackers.

I got the impression that their target was the Virginia, which sounds like a Confederate ship, so the image of Confederate attackers aiming at it doesn’t make sense; however, I can’t really think of another possible target, so far. This is something that you may want to make clearer. Also, I think “Confederates” should be capitalized.

It traces probable pathways on the authentic structural readout. Their training dictates that they will proceed immediately toward the false bridge and the fake reactors, while our spiralling lines drop in and we disable the emitters onboard and find the locations of the other targets.

This read pretty dryly to me, and though explanation does seem like the point, I’d see if you can’t make it a bit more engaging. As it is, it’s very factual, which makes Dane’s thoughts sound a little robotic or bureaucratic, and that doesn’t seem to suit the image you’ve created so far. Adding in something of an opinion or some emotion, perhaps disdain or amusement, might help on this matter. Another small point: “spiraling” has one “l” only.

I am jolted from my revirie by a warning, but too late, I rip the plane out of its pattern.

That should be “reverie.” More importantly, I’d change “but too late” or at least add some context for it, because as it is, the reader has no sense of why it’s too late for a few sentences, so it reads like it’s supposed to apply to his attempt to maneuver, not his hearing the warning.

My fingers squeeze to numbness, a chill runs over my forearms as the tiny hairs begin to poke out, this all happens between heartbeats.

This is technically three separate sentences, since there’re three subjects (“My fingers,” “a chill” and “this.”) I’d replace the comma after “numbness” with “and,” and switch the one after “out” with a semicolon, if not delete the last clause entirely because it’s something the reader will probably infer from the fast pace of the moment.

I never see the missle, but it rips the anterior wing from my plane, sending me spinning down out of the pattern.

That should be “missile.”

I let the steering go and with both hands, reaching down between by legs into my supplies.

I think you’re missing a verb or something after “and” here.

The spin slows, I take the controls, fire the recoverys, and briefly define the word "retrograde" before my plane crashes through a docking shield.

The comma after “slows” should be a period or a semicolon, technically. Also, I’d spell “recoverys” as “recoveries,” since that’s a common plural form of a noun ending with a “y.”

I blacked out at the height of the effects of each.

This is in the past tense, while the rest of the narration’s set around the present tense; the shift does sort of work, though, so you could probably leave this as is if you aren’t too worried about all the technicalities.

Overall, there are definitely parts here and there that are solid, but I’m feeling a bit disconnected from the story and the action. If you’ve got some plan for filling the world and situation in later, then all’s well and good (I think,) but otherwise, I might start going back and giving the reader a bit more context to work with. Thanks for posting!

[Khalic]

Dane:


As it were, the noise of thunder.


Overlaid is the chatter of dozens of voices.

"We've got ‘em running platforms, a few thousand miles."

"The tank shot a rod starting the fusion engine on Fog eleven. The induction motor was damaged. Advise?"

“How bad is the balancer?”

“Coming up. It’s ****ed.”

“Start it with the alternate.”

"The commander's star is ready. We're dropping in for you to space us. Clear deck one.”

That deep sound that doesn't come from a direction so much as from the ground and the walls around you, bounding around and through the metal cavern and echoing forever until it’s just a vibration.

My coffin shudders, and then I am falling, sitting still. Weightless. The grinding thunder grows.

The sound is of the great, arcane gears stirring to life, fusion-powered hydraulics. Thorium and Titan grinding with the atlas arms turning the wheels. Gears as old as the exodus turn faithfully. The cavern splits along its center and twists apart while I spin. The floor becomes the ceiling becomes the wall at my back. I'm sitting and facing a great window to open space and stars, all lazily stirring while I sit still.

And the vibration ceases with all the waste air jettisoned.

The panel in front of me turns from gray to green and the display expands over the entire cockpit. I let it guide me automatically into formation.

"It's a good thing we don't get solid food; that was a sick hell of a drop, Op."

"Black star is out. Fog is armed and ready, but the squadron will be one short if we space them now."

“What happened to the alternate?”

"They're closing. Under two thousand."

"Third star ain't ready, just go."

"This is Tieman. The first squadron is out. Get those tanks out of the way and prepare to space the second."

"We're in a hurry, if you hadn't heard."

"They're slowing. This is it."

"I heard, Op."

"Fog star is out. Clear the third deck to draw the shields in ten seconds."

"Iron star is clean. That's clean on squadron three."

"Do it."

"Alright, alright, let's do this ****."

"They're stopped. Sitting ducks. Drop in and smoke ‘em, Chasseur Neb."


The chatter dies as we exit the safe broadcast area. There is no communication among the squadron or the wing.

My coffin accelerates cleanly to fifteen and then twenty thousand. The line of our star and the others stretches as we speed up, and then our target is visible.

"Jam them." Is heard over the comm, and then I switch it do dead, manually. Anyone still listening to it undampened is bleeding from their ears and possibly their eyes.
The lights on the back of the lead plane glare steadily, and then my display goes red, and the lights flash once and disappear. The ordered line becomes chaos and then nada, and I hit the cloak and break formation along my set path. Slowly, the outside that I can see becomes nothing, and I feel more like I am really sitting inside a hoodless coffin.

The target looms in the blackness between the orange horizon and the first silver moon. It's hours wide and decades long, a gray streak standing out on the black, lit nearly white on one side, fading to black on the belly.

They can't see us, but they're firing anyway. There are clouds of tracer fire issuing from the ship, growing larger and closer as we descend. The first lines are easy to pick up, and predictable in their patterns. The machines kick to random. The cloud becomes a web and there is sound now, screaming sounds of velocity, snare drum sounds of small deaths all around.

Step on a crack, you break your momma's back.

There is a flash to my left. Too far off to hear through the upper atmosphere, but I'm sure my wingman is dead. The target that was a streak in the massive void has grown impossibly quickly. It's now a miles tall dark tower stretching between heaven and hell.

"Break formation, you know your targets. And watch the Confederates. They're already on board. Keep your lines. It hurts, but less than death."

My display is tracing the progress of the Confederate attackers. The gunshot-straight lines of their unpiloted pods lance into the hulking enemy ship. The display cancels lines here and there, while dozens continue in and find their marks. Each hit counts ten soldiers inside, the average number surviving the boarding.

The readout traces probable pathways on the authentic structural blueprints, a luxury that you get when your target is the people who betrayed you hours ago. I slept through this strategy meeting on this part, if you categorize white out and seizures as sleep. However, I know from Confederate training that they will proceed immediately toward the false bridge and the fake reactors. Our spiraling lines drop in (assuming they remain uninterrupted) and we presumably disable the emitters onboard and find the locations of the other targets. Read: The ones who made this mess. Read: The ones who killed her and set up the rest of the human race.

I am jolted from my reverie by a collision warning, too late, I rip the plane out of its pattern. My fingers squeeze to numbness, an adrenaline chill runs over my forearms as the tiny hairs begin to poke out, this all happens between heartbeats. I never see the missile, but it rips the anterior wing from my plane, sending me spinning down out of the pattern.

I let the steering go and with both hands, reaching down between by legs into my supplies. I grab my helmet and my bracelet, strapping the first on and feeling the oxygen feed increase with pressure. The other I stab into my wrist and strap tight. The spin slows, I take the controls, fire the recoveries, and briefly define the word "retrograde" before my plane crashes through a docking shield.

It could have been the drugs, the G-force, or the crash. I blacked out at the height of the effects of each.

[Khalic]

Only Forward:


A woman once asked herself: "Is there really any such thing as reason?"

She’s kneeling, fingers slick with red, cradling a man's head and shoulders in her lap. There’s a gurgling sound and she replies to it, "I thought you'd say that, but is there any such thing as the illusion logic? No, of course not. These things are like all the others when you examine them. Faith-based. Utterly."

She says this as she slides her hand down his throat. He tries to bite down with his broken jaw, and his eyes are frantic, and then they are shut tight. She closes her hand and pulls, and in her clenched fingers is a quivering pink worm, oozing blood and water.

His eyes are frantic as he sees this, and realizing what she has impaled and in her grip, he shuts his eyes and tries to scream.

"There was an ancient sect of pilgrims dedicated to the god of death, who would yearly go out and join other pilgrimages, and one night they would strangle their companions, and bury the bodies in the desert.

"Around those times there was a god named Krsna, who said that one of the three ways to enlightenment is simply to have faith, in anything at all."

She says this as she's fingering his right eye. She says "I've never been good with faith though, I'd say I have faith, that this is going to hurt, but I honestly know two things that make that a faithless fact. One: It will create the nerve impulses that go to your brain and tell you what is happening, and Two: that I have been hurt. By bad people like you."

He can see, he sees her leaning and her hand, and he struggles as well as a man in his position can. Which is to say, not well. His body heaves up, but falls predictably. One of his arms is pinned under his back, the other is bent unnaturally just above the elbow. His fingers writhe and roll into fists. Other than that, he can only move his eyes frantically. Then he shuts them tight.

When I wake up, my eyes are still shut tight.

I smile. Nightmares are funny, the way you remember new things about old harms.

But like momma said, you've got to live better, and that girl, her name was Sarah Kerrigan. And yesterday I killed her. I’ll be promoted for it. Captain Nuri Forward.



Later. Lights alternate red and yellow, while tall figures are arrayed around a flat display. The red lights flash and then go dark. The orange tip of a single cigarette glows and then goes out. Then the display comes to eerie green life, showing three shapes above the planet below.

A voice, instructing, directed at the middle shape, "This is them." The display focuses more tightly. Words appear, Korhal Flagship and Psi Emitters and a series of numbers, 0200, 78960, 0700.

A feminine voice, directed at the leftmost ship, "The Virginia.” Another number, “ Six-hundred kilometers from position. The target's defenses are prepared.” The final ship flashes in full and disappears as the voice says, “Another Korhal faction vessel is within range to engage, but its offensive capabilities are negligible.”

A word, dragged slowly from a deep place, "Solutions."

"Boarding maneuvers, assault and liberation of the vessel, execution of traitors."

"Particle weapons trained on their reactors, destruction of fliers."

An option, in my own voice, "Destroy them; the Yamato weapon is available and it is the quickest way to deal with the emitters on board."

The rustle of disagreement, and then its voice, "The junior officer is clearly mistaken. Prepare the marines. Suppressing volleys. Boarding in the pattern outlined before you. For his presumption, the Lieutenant Forward will lead the boarding maneuver."

It’s Captain Forward.