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Project_Xii
20-12-2004, 10:01
Hi Guys.
This story has become my most loved piece of work. I literally felt drained but emotionally attached to it after i finished writing.
However, i know there are flaws.

As much as it will break my heart to see it picked to pieces, i feel the reward of having it perfect will be greater. Please, read and review.


Starcraft – Psionic Love


Darkness. Silence. In limbo, a state of free floating weightlessness.

>Pop. Gurgle. Scworp<

Sound, light. Murky haze through flowing liquid.

“…hel…”

Voice.

“… help…”

Voice.

“Someone… HELP!”

Reply.

“Be still, little one. Struggling will get you no where.”

“Who... who are you? Who am I?”

“You are Kerrigan. You are a member of the primitive scourge we call ‘humans’.”

“My name. I… I remember it. And I’m human… but I’m not weak. We’re not weak! Who are you? Answer!”

“I am the creator. Or more precisely, the re-maker. I am reinventing your form, making you more powerful then you ever thought you could be.”

“You’re… you’re God?”

“In a sense. Although that is a human word. Your God is a spiritual being; ethereal, untouchable beyond the state of your own mind. I am very much real, yet I can preform acts just as he could. In a sense; I am greater then your God.”

“You lie.”

“You deny. You do not yet know my power. In time, you will. In time, you will call me ‘master’.”

“Never! I would never give in too you! Let me free! Let me-“

********************************

Jimmy opened his eyes with a start. Something had woken him. A noise; the gentle ‘kssh’ of his quarter’s automatic door sliding open and shut again.
He lay still, waiting for the post-dream sluggyness to seep from his mind. A sense became aware. Weight; he mattress had sunken lower then usual. Something was sitting on the side of his bed.

He opened his mouth to speak, but a firm hand was clamped over his mouth. He struggled, inaudible mumbles spewing from behind the smothering fingers. Then she spoke.

“Shhh… Jimmy, be still. It’s me, Sarah.” Her voice was soft, soothing. It did not portray the firmness with which she had forced her hand upon him.

Jim Raynor stopped struggling and stared blankly into the darkness. He wondered why she had not yet removed her hand.

“Because I do not want you to speak. I have questions to ask, and things to tell you. For now, I would prefer to just read your thoughts. They are more honest then a mouth could ever be.”

Jim relaxed. He no longer felt in danger, but Kerrigans words were disturbing him. They had never been this close in fact. It was a new experience.

“For me too, heh” her voice suggested she was smiling. When she spoke again, the tone was low and wavery.
“Jimmy… Arcturus just vid-commed me. The Protoss are converging on Tarsonis. They seem hell bent on wiping the Zerg from the planet like they did with Mar Sara. If we don’t stop them, everything we’ve worked for will be for nothing. The Confederates will escape and reform on another planet. We’ll never be free from the tyrannical clutches.”

She paused. Jim could feel her hand trembling against his lips.

‘Is that why you came here? To say goodbye?’

“In… a way. No doubt you’ll take this out with Arcturus first vid-conference we have. I know you don’t trust him, and I know you…” again she paused.

‘What?’

“I know you… care for me. I know, even without reading your mind. I’ve watched the way you act around me.” She shifted on the side of his bed and gave a short laugh.
“Hah, do you remember the first thought you had when you first laid eyes on me?”

They went silent as the same line crossed their minds together. Jimmy couldn’t help smiling as he thought about it, before they both shared Kerrigans reply;

”You pig!”

Kerrigan didn’t say anything for awhile. Jimmy could feel her eyes on him in the dark. Her hand was beginning to tremble again.

“But you’re right. That isn’t the only reason I came here. Before Arcturus awoke me, I was… I was dreaming. In it, I couldn’t move. I was suspended, all my senses dulled. It felt so unbelievably real. I was grateful to be woken-“

********************************


“That... that dream. That’s what this is! This isn’t real!”

“Your memories are fascinating, little one. They hold many things dear to you in your life. They give you purpose, a will to succeed at any cost. But these memories will serve a different purpose upon your rebirth. Your only thought will be to destroy. All you once loved will be blight upon your mind.”

“I don’t believe you. I won’t. This isn’t real. I merely have to wake up. Jimmy will-“

“That human is inconsequential. He will not help you. Give in to your fate”

“He will. He promised. He-“

********************************

‘Are you worried about the dream? Do you think it means something?’

“I don’t know Jimmy. I’ve never fully understood my own mind, but sometimes I have… flashes. De ja vu. I see things before they happen. Not often… but when I do, it’s rarely uneventful. I am worried, yes. I just felt… so helpless.”

Jim heard her turn her face away. A drop of wetness fell on his bare arm. She was crying.

He sat up, and her hand fell unresisted from his face.
“Kerrigan… Sarah. What’s wrong? You can tell me. I’m… I’m here for you.”

Kerrigan sat motionless, sniffing in the dark. Jim reached down to touch her hand, and she snapped out of it with a start. She pushed him forcefully back onto the bed, and pinned his hands above his head. Sarah hovered above him, only her silhouette visible in the darkness. He could hear her quivering breathes.

With a sigh, she released him, and collapsed onto his chest. She moved so that her head rested underneath his chin, and relaxed. Jimmy wasn’t sure what to do.

She was obviously disturbed. Scared. Maybe both. He was just grateful it was only her top half on his chest, otherwise he’d be feeling pretty embarrassed right about –

She laughed softly.
“Jimmy, stop thinking. Your mind’s a whirl of activity. I just want to stay here. For awhile. Safe.”

Jim closed his eyes and allowed himself to relax. Concentrated on the things he could sense, since his vision was obscured in the darkness.

Her hair. So close to his face. It had an aroma of its own. Indescribable and comforting. The soft, rhythmic breathes escaping from her lips. The feel of her soft skin against his tanned and weather beaten arm. Her heart, positioned somewhere over his left side, beat evenly with his. A dull pendulum, ticking back and forth between two ultimately divided spaces. His mind was beginning to wander, slip back into the unreality of dream. It was a struggle to remain focused.

“Jimmy I want you to promise me something”

Kerrigans words sparked new life behind his eye lids.

“Promise? Anything. I’ll do anything for you.”

“I have a dreadful feeling that this mission will be a last. A last for everything. Last time I’ll serve under Arcturus. Last time I’ll risk my life for mankind.” He felt her head lift and her eyes upon his face. “Last time I’ll see you.”

Raynor stared back in the night, waiting for what she’d say next.

“Promise me you’ll come find me.”

“Come find you? Why? Where will you be?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know if I’ll be of this world. Perhaps my encounter with the Protoss will be the end of my life. Just promise me.”

Jim was silent. Thoughtless. She shifted so her face was closer to his.

“Jim? Will you?”

Again he didn’t respond. He felt her eyes scanning him. Then, ever so lightly, he felt invisible hands inside his mind. Soft fingers tips clawing through his brain, parting emotions and memories; searching for the answer.

He shook his head.
“Don’t. Please; don’t do that. I can tell you myself.” He took a breath, “I’ll find you Sarah. Wherever you might be. I’ll travel across the known universe if I have too. I promise; I’ll find you.”

********************************

“You fool yourself, little one. Seeking sanctuary within false hope will only delay your ascension.”

“He promised. It was genuine. I felt it in his mind. In his voice. He’ll come find me.”

“Little one…”

“What? Why do you insist upon your fruitless endeavourers?”

“… You do not know what you are, do you little one? You do not know who made you?”

“… What do you mean? My parents. I am a product of love.”

“You are, but you are so much more then that. You’ve been an experiment for more years then you can remember.”

“……”

“Upon Mar Sara, my hive ambushed a human transport as it was evacuating the planet. Within it was a human very highly regarded by your race. He had knowledge of a great many things. When he was assimilated into my brood, I too gained that knowledge. I learned of your life.”

“What… what do you know?”

“Your parents were murdered. Members of the Confederate Ghost Program were notified by hospital staff the night you were born. They said they had a child of unusual psionic abilities.”

“They... told me I was taken from my parents because of population regulations. They already had another child, it was against the law too-“

“You have been lied too. Confederate Ghosts stormed the hospital and slaughtered everyone who bore witness to your existence. You mother was shot in her bed, still holding you in her arms. Your father followed shortly after, when he brutally attacked a Ghost with a surgical scalpel. They slit his throat from ear to ear and left him to drown in his own blood.”

“How… Why? WHY? Why are you telling me this? I was forced to work for the Confederacy for years. Doing their dirty work, being subjected to countless tests. Arcturus rescued me. He saved me. He was the only one that truly cared.”

“And what did he do after that gallant rescue from the scientists at that Terran Outpost?”

“He told me the truth. How our lives had been ruined by the actions of the Confederacy. He said how alike we were… how we fought for a common cause now.”

“And how did he fight?”

“He… he made me execute Confederates. Politicians, generals, high-ranking medical officers… anything to help bring upon their downfall. It was for the greater good-“

“He made you an Assassin. Arcturus used you for the same means as the Confederates did. Same job; different sides. Little one, you must understand the workings of a primitive mind like the one you humans share. He never cared about you; he was securing his own political gain.”

“He saved me.”

“He damned you. Look around you, little one. If you can. Where do you think you are? How do you think you got here?”

“I… don’t know. I can’t… I can’t remember.”

“Arcturus abandoned you. He left you on that orbital platform, left you at my mercy. Like every political tool; once it has served its purpose, it’s outlived its usefulness.”

“I… I…”

********************************

Time past. They both lay unmoving. Jim drifted in and out of sleep; awoken by Kerrigans movements beside him, or an almost inaudible sigh. Her arm was draped across the length of his chest, hugging him close. He could feel her heart against his shoulder.

Suddenly, an alien sound filled his ears. A blinking red light lit the room in an eerie glow. Kerrigan sat up with a start and flicked a switch on her wrist band.
For the first time that night, Raynor saw her face.

In the soft blue glow of a mini-tech plasma screen, he watched mesmorised as her eyes scanned the message. Admired her perfectly smooth skin, tinted silver by the light. The delicate pout of her lips, moving slightly as she mouthed words to herself.
And the way that single strand of hair drooped down in front of her eyes, causing her to brush it back with a hand, and it returning seconds later.

Kerrigan stopped reading her message, and looked up into his eyes.

“You’re pretty observant for a guy, you know.”

They smiled together, locked in unblinking gaze. Finally she broke the contact.

“It’s time. Arcturus has requested the immediate presence of all previously briefed soldiers. We’re shipping out in two hours.”

Jimmy knew the concern on his face was clearly visible. He found himself lifting his hand to touch her face.

“Sarah… you don’t have to-“

“Yes. Yes I do. And you know it. Arcturus doesn’t accept excuses.” She placed her hand over his and pressed it to her cheek.

“Be careful” he said, trying to hold back an unknown amount of emotions.

She smiled and brought his hand to her lips, kissing his rough, worn knuckles.
“I will.” Kerrigan leaned forward so she was a mere nose length away from his face. “Remember your promise, Jimmy.” She leaned in closer.

Jim felt his lips quiver with nervous anticipation.
“I… will. I will find you.” He leaned in too, closing his eyes.

And suddenly she was gone. The bed bounced back as the extra weight disappeared. Jimmy sat up right, staring into pitch black.
The soft ‘kssh’ of his quarter’s automatic door drew his attention. A thin, shapely silhouette stood within the space.

“Goobye, Jimmy.” The voice sounded faint and ghostly. He felt the words in his mind, more then heard them being said.

He blinked, and the figure had dissolved into the night.

“Goodbye, Sarah”

********************************

Darkness. Silence. In limbo, a state of free floating weightlessness.

>Pop. Gurgle. Scworp<

Sound, light. Murky haze through flowing liquid.

“…I…”

Voice.

“…I…I can’t…”

Reply.

“You can. And you will. The first step towards ascension is admitting the things you know you’ve been denying.”

“But it’s so painful…”

“I know, little one. It always is. The Confederacy destroyed your family. They introduced you too death at an early age, made you cold, emotionless. You learned to obey, follow blindly and unquestionably. Then when you were saved by your would-be ‘angel’, he sent you right back to the same thing, just under the banner of a different cause. And the male… the one you share emotions for even now-“

“Don’t. Please.”

“He has broken his promise. He will not come to find you. You are a casualty of an already forgotten battle. Your race disowns you.”

Darkness. Silence. Limbo.

>Pop. Gurgle. Scworp<

“What do you offer me?”

“Freedom. Power. Revenge. The chance to rule. All these things can be yours.”

“What must I do?”

“Stop resisting. Embrace your fate. Abandon your foolish hopes. And call me master.”

“I… will need time for that. Resistance I can cease. It’s getting me no where anyway. But you cannot ask me too call you master. Not after the life I’ve led.”

“I understand, little one. Rest now. You have much growth left to be done.”

********************************

Darkness. Silence. Limbo.

>Pop. Gurgle. Scworp<

“……”

Voice.

“…J…”

Voice.

“…Jimmy…”

Clarke667
20-12-2004, 13:50
As much as it will break my heart to see it picked to pieces, i feel the reward of having it perfect will be greater. Please, read and review.

It’s a bit of a *****, huh? You work for what seems like forever on a piece, pour your soul into every sentence and adjective… and then some jerkoff likes me comes along and performs an impromptu autopsy on it. It’s a sad state of affairs, I tell ya.

Anyways, here I go:

Let’s start this off with a board generalization. I really liked this. To be a bit more specific, I liked the characters, I liked the non-linear storyline, and above all, I liked the pacing. Talk about lightning-fast! Psionic Love didn’t let up for a second, and that went a long way in helping me devour it in one quick sitting.

A few nitpicks…

He lay still, waiting for the post-dream sluggyness to seep from his mind. A sense became aware. Weight; he mattress had sunken lower then usual.

- Instead of “sluggyness”, I’d definitely go with “sluggishness”.
- I’m not entirely sure what “A sense became aware” means. Maybe “His senses became aware?” Even that’s sort of clunky, though.
- Should be “his mattress”

Last thing on this paragraph:

Weight; (his) mattress had sunken lower then usual.

Although the grammar police will probably give you both barrels for your wanton misuse of the semi-colon throughout this story, I personally think it’s great; the terse narrative-style really matches the overall manic pace, so good job there. But be careful, though: too many chopped sentences can give the work a ‘Shattner-esque’ vibe, and that’s bad for everyone. The opening paragraph ( Sound, light. Murky haze through flowing liquid.) came perilously close to that, in my opinion.

Next:

Jim relaxed. He no longer felt in danger, but Kerrigans words were disturbing him.

“Kerrigans” should be “Karrigan’s”. In fact, this happens just about every time you pull the old possessive; it’s always “Karrigans”. I advice combing through the story and doling out apostrophes.

We’ll never be free from the tyrannical clutches.”

Should most likely be “their tyrannical clutches”.

She shifted on the side of his bed and gave a short laugh.
“Hah, do you remember the first thought you had when you first laid eyes on me?”

Little formatting error that pops up here and there.

Jimmy couldn’t help smiling as he thought about it, before they both shared Kerrigans reply;

”You pig!”

I know you like that semi-colon, but here I’d advise a full-on colon. Oh, and there’s “Kerrigans” again.

De ja vu.

That should be “Déjà vu”. Also, since it’s French, you should consider italicizing it.

Her heart, positioned somewhere over his left side, beat evenly with his. A dull pendulum, ticking back and forth between two ultimately divided spaces.

No problems here; this bit is just exceptionally fine. When I got to this passage, I read over it two-three times because I really enjoyed the imagery.

“I have a dreadful feeling that this mission will be a last. A last for everything.

Should be “the last”. I think I know why you used “a last”, though: Transition for “a last for everything. Last time I’ll serve under Arcturus…”. Nevertheless, it’s sort of clunky. Jags on the old ear.

Soft fingers tips clawing through his brain, parting emotions and memories;

“fingers tips” = “fingertips”

You mother was shot in her bed,

“He saved me.”

“He damned you.

I’ve got a soft spot for confrontational dialogue, and this whole scene was a treat. Good job.

In the soft blue glow of a mini-tech plasma screen, he watched mesmorised as her eyes scanned the message. Admired her perfectly smooth skin, tinted silver by the light. The delicate pout of her lips, moving slightly as she mouthed words to herself.
And the way that single strand of hair drooped down in front of her eyes, causing her to brush it back with a hand, and it returning seconds later.

Should be “mesmerized”. The rest of it’s topnotch, though.

“I… will need time for that. Resistance I can cease. It’s getting me no where anyway. But you cannot ask me too call you master. Not after the life I’ve led.”

Should be “nowhere”. Oh, and I felt this part was a little too quick to be believeable. I mean, she spends a good part of the story basically saying, “I won’t get up hope, Raynor will come for me!” and then, out of nowhere: “Eh, nevermind. I give.”

That might be perfectly fine for a ‘normal’ person… but isn’t Kerrigan sort of a badass? I’ll admit that I’m not to well versed on the whole Starcraft thing, but in this story you describe her as a soldier, a political assassin; I’d expect a little more resistance from someone like that.

You could drag it out a bit to make it more plausible… but if it was me, I’d probably cut it entirely and put something else in its place. Because not only is it a stretch, I find it sort of takes some of the impact out of the last chapter. We already know she’s resigned herself to this fate, so when she calls out Reynor’s name in the darkness is seems sort of pointless instead of sad.

Well, overall this has been an enjoyable read for me. I hope you find my comments useful.

Project_Xii
20-12-2004, 17:58
Wait... i just realised this is actually a D2 only forum. OOps :P i get so used to thinking it's a just Fan Fiction like the Battle.net one.

That might be perfectly fine for a ‘normal’ person… but isn’t Kerrigan sort of a badass? I’ll admit that I’m not to well versed on the whole Starcraft thing, but in this story you describe her as a soldier, a political assassin; I’d expect a little more resistance from someone like that.

Yeah unless you've been versed properly in the Starcrat story, cinematics, history etc. you deffiantely won't get the full impact of the story. Thnks very much for your grammar and spelling pick ups though :)

And Kerrigan is a bad ***... but she's also human and also a woman ;)

Apologies. Perhaps i should move this story to the Starcraft forum? IS there a Starcraft Forum?

Snowglare
20-12-2004, 18:31
Wait... i just realised this is actually a D2 only forum.Um, no it isn't. It's not even a fanfic-only forum. Fiction of all sorts is welcome here, as are discussions pertaining to writing. No one should feel like they have to add Diablo elements to their story for it to fit in, or rob us of a good yarn simply because it isn't D2 fanfic.

0xDEADCAFE
21-12-2004, 10:45
I liked this piece. I'm not a big fan of non-linear storylines but this worked for me. There's an ambiguity of realities here: is she really in Raynor's cabin, recalling a dream, or perhaps prescient memory, or is she really in that limbic place, recalling the interlude with Jim. It seems like that was never resolved, but it doesn't need to be, it leaves the reader in limbo, as it were, wondering about which was real, and that adds to the story too. Well done.

I too felt that Kerrigan's turnaround was a bit sudden. Since so much of this story is left to the reader's imagination it might be better to leave her struggling with the overmind. Let the reader decide if she converts or not (even though we know she eventually does. BTW This game stirred up my old love of the game. After reading this I actually fired-up Brood War and played through a few levels.)

I also liked the non-word "sluggyness". It did make me stop reading at that point, because I had never seen the word before, but after rolling it over a few times I really liked the image. How many times have I felt like a slug? (Lots.)

And finally, I'd like to utter a word in support of your opening remarks about how much you love this story. I know there are lots of artists/writers who profess to hate their own stuff, and in the name of modesty I guess authors should be careful not to praise their own work too much, but I too find a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction in reading my own work. There's something very personal about it, like reading a diary entry I imagine (I've never kept a diary), like looking at old snapshots. So keep doing that meaningful stuff that you love to read, as well as write. You are your first audient.

RevenantsKnight
21-12-2004, 20:47
This was an engaging read, no doubt. In general, I agree with Clarke667 and 0xDEADCAFE on the nonlinearity and the pacing; as it is, these elements went a long way towards keeping me interested. One thing that did give me pause, though, was the story’s focus on major characters from Starcraft; while they’re hardly developed at all in the game, they appear enough for me to form my own impressions on them, which sets up a bit of a trap: if the story follows what I believe, then it feels somehow overused, and if it doesn’t, I’ll think the author’s misreading the game. In your case, the quality of your writing does manage to overcome this, but I can’t say it wasn’t on my mind in some reduced form when I read this. Anyway, here’re some specific comments; for brevity’s sake, I’m not mentioning anything Clarke667 hit already unless I disagree with him. Just imagine a whole lot of uses of the phrase “I second that” scattered throughout this post at the appropriate times.

“Be still, little one. Struggling will get you no where.”

“Nowhere” is one word.

“In a sense. Although that is a human word. Your God is a spiritual being; ethereal, untouchable beyond the state of your own mind. I am very much real, yet I can preform acts just as he could. In a sense; I am greater then your God.”

I’d combine the first two fragments for stylistic reasons; as it is, it makes it sound like the speaker is a little slow in the head, since when I read this to myself, I expect only a short pause between the two clauses. Also, “perform” has the “e” before the first “r.”

Jimmy opened his eyes with a start.

In the narration, you switch between using “Jimmy” and “Jim”; I’d just stick with “Jim” unless you want to imply that the narrator is also on fairly familiar terms with him. Also, the distinction would help set off the fact that Kerrigan uses “Jimmy.”

He opened his mouth to speak, but a firm hand was clamped over his mouth.

“Was clamped” is in the passive voice; it does work in this context, but I’d recommend replacing it with “clamped itself” to switch to the active voice. Sounds a little more urgent that way, or at least it does to me.

“No doubt you’ll take this out with Arcturus first vid-conference we have. I know you don’t trust him, and I know you…” again she paused.

“Take this up” sounds right here, instead of “take this out.” Also, I think you should capitalize the “again” at the end of this, and leave “again she paused” as a separate sentence.

“Before Arcturus awoke me, I was… I was dreaming.“

That should be “woke.”

“Your memories are fascinating, little one. They hold many things dear to you in your life. They give you purpose, a will to succeed at any cost. But these memories will serve a different purpose upon your rebirth. Your only thought will be to destroy. All you once loved will be blight upon your mind.”

I haven’t played Starcraft in...well, a while, but this statement sounds counterproductive from the perspective of the Swarm; telling her that she’ll go and kill those she loved before her resistance is broken would, in my mind, just give her something to rally her spirit around.

‘Are you worried about the dream? Do you think it means something?’

Some of the speech is in single quotes and other parts are in double quotes; is this intentional?

“I don’t know Jimmy. I’ve never fully understood my own mind, but sometimes I have… flashes. De ja vu. I see things before they happen. Not often… but when I do, it’s rarely uneventful. I am worried, yes. I just felt… so helpless.”

This seems a little too...sudden of a mood change for an assassin trained from birth; you may want to drop an extra hint or two beforehand pointing out her unease. Also, “déjà vu” means literally “already seen,” so it’s not “déjà vu” when she sees it in a “flash,” only when it actually happens. Finally, there should be a comma after “know” in the first sentence.

He sat up, and her hand fell unresisted from his face.

I think that should be “unresisting,” if you’re saying that she didn’t try to stop it from falling.

Sarah hovered above him, only her silhouette visible in the darkness. He could hear her quivering breathes.

People don’t “have” silhouettes, though someone could appear as one. I’d change that to “...visible as a silhouette in the gloom...” or something like that. Also, “breaths” has one “e,” not two.

“Jimmy, stop thinking. Your mind’s a whirl of activity.”

“A whirl of activity” isn’t a phrase I’d expect to see in dialogue; it seems better suited to a narrative description. Here, it just seems out of place with Kerrigan’s anxiety.

“Jimmy I want you to promise me something”

You’re missing a comma after “Jimmy,” and a period at the end of the sentence, inside the quotation mark.

“Promise me you’ll come find me.”

You don’t need the first “me” in this sentence; it sounds a bit repetitive as is.

“I’ll travel across the known universe if I have too. I promise; I’ll find you.”

“You have been lied too.”

In these instances, the “to” you want has one “o.”

“What? Why do you insist upon your fruitless endeavourers?”

This sounds off, somehow; I can’t imagine anyone in a situation similar to captivity saying this. Also, “endeavourers” would be people who endeavor to do something...that doesn’t seem to fit here.

“How… Why? WHY? Why are you telling me this? I was forced to work for the Confederacy for years. Doing their dirty work, being subjected to countless tests. Arcturus rescued me. He saved me. He was the only one that truly cared.”

Given the rest of Kerrigan’s reaction, I don’t think “Why are you telling me this?” works unless you also add in something like “I don’t believe you.” Otherwise, it sounds like she’s wondering, rather pointlessly, about why her life is about to change from being Arcturus’s agent to something else. This also doesn’t work if she’s still resisting the other’s influence, because it suggests that she’s resigned to her fate a bit.

“And what did he do after that gallant rescue from the scientists at that Terran Outpost?”

I wouldn’t capitalize “outpost” here, since “Terran Outpost” is not the actual name of the base (at least, I don’t think it is, and if it is, it needs another one.)

Time past.

That should be “passed.”

“Be careful” he said, trying to hold back an unknown amount of emotions.

There should be a comma after “careful.” Also, I’d go on a little more about these “emotions,” as what you have now is so general that he could be on the verge of a violent rage. Given the context, I can guess what you had in mind, of course, but it never hurts to give the reader a little more of an image.

“Goodbye, Sarah”

There should be a period after “Sarah.”

“They introduced you too death at an early age, made you cold, emotionless.

“But you cannot ask me too call you master.”

The preposition “to” has one “o.” “Too” is used in a sense similar to “also.”

And the male… the one you share emotions for even now-“

“Share” sounds wrong here; do you mean something like “hold” or “keep”?

“You have much growth left to be done.”

This sentence clunked along for me, since she’s not actively “growing” of her own accord, which makes “to be done” sound off; maybe something along the lines of “You have much ahead of you” or “In time, you will grow into something great” would fit better.

I agree that the ending shouldn’t show her giving in, or at least not with that final bit after it. If you’ve the time and will to revise this, though, I have no doubt you’ll be able to come up with something stronger.

Overall, it’s a decent read, and could be even better with some work. As it is, though, it’s still noteworthy for a number of reasons. Thanks for posting!

Project_Xii
22-12-2004, 04:58
Niiiicceeee :D

I was so hoping you'd read this RevenantsKnight, you're like my critic idol :p
Your corrections are exactly what i was hoping to see.
I shall deffinately revise now, as i can see doing so will only make me love it more lol.

Regarding pointed-out-issues:
while they’re hardly developed at all in the game, they appear enough for me to form my own impressions on them, which sets up a bit of a trap
If you must know the truth, this was a challenge i invented on the Battle.net Fan Fiction Forum.
Had topics like:
"If Diablo Had Won" - Describing Sanctuary if the Hero had failed and Hell had invaded.
"In Service of the Swarm" - A story through the eyes of a Zerg.
and
"A Love Story" - Choosing 2 characters that had 'romantic connections' within a Blizzard Universe, and describing a meeting between the two. The goal was to show beleivable emotion and possible 'love' between the two characters, and see who could do that best on-forum.

I chose that one, and Psionic Love just grew from there. I never actually intended it to become an intergrated part of the story; even i admit this whole scene probably doesn't fit into the game all that well. But as part of the challenge, Kerrigan and Jimmy had to be expressing some kind of love. In turn, i'm guessing that would have made them out of character, or not true to the game. Kerrigan is not that soft or emotional in the game, and Jimmy seems more rough-n-tough. Still, i was hoping to show a different, yet beleivable, side to both of them.

Some 'quotes' and some "quotes":
I'm almost certain i've seen this done before, but when i put Jimmy's speech in 'quotes', it signified he was thinking it, not saying it. Because Kerrigan still had her hand over his mouth, and she was reading his mind.
Is there a proper way to do thought-speech? I've seen it done 'quotes' instead of "quotes" in a few places before i swear...

Kerrigan switching sides so suddenly:
I was hoping to portray that she hadn't fully given up to the Overmind (more likely just saying what he wanted to hear) through the last sentence. Aside from it being the scene in the cocoon cinematic (a wavy sort of dream where you see Zerg, planets and a flash of a strange creature saying "jimmy") i was also trying to signify that she hadn't given up hope. Jim was the main thing all her hopes rested upon; him coming and finding her.
But i don't think i did that very well :S bummer.

Oh, and also thank you 0xDeadCafe. You made me feel all warm and fuzzy, and although you didn't do a thorough critique, you showed me that you got exactly what the story was about. And that's just as rewarding.
The part about inspiring you to bring out the old game and take it for spin also gave me great satisfaction. Nice to i know my writing could do something like that. :)

OH! And also (reason for edit):
Does TDL accept Starcraft Fiction? If so, do you think it's good enough to submit once i've corrected the mistakes?

Project_Xii
22-12-2004, 09:32
OK, thanks to everyones helpful reviews, i've had another go at it. Since this silly-erm-different forum doesn't allow you to edit posts after an hour, i'll have to repost it. Hopefully i got it right, or at least made it better, second time round.


Starcraft – Psionic Love


Darkness. Silence. In limbo, a state of free floating weightlessness.

>Pop. Gurgle. Scworp<

Sound, light. Murky haze through flowing liquid.

“…hel…”

Voice.

“… help…”

Voice.

“Someone… HELP!”

Reply.

“Be still, little one. Your struggles will be fruitless.”

“Who... who are you? Who am I?”

“You are Kerrigan. You are a member of the weak, primitive scourge we call ‘humans’.”

“My name. I… I remember it. And I’m human… but I’m not weak. We’re not weak! Who are you? Answer!”

“I am the creator. Or more precisely, the re-maker. I am reinventing your form, making you more powerful then you ever thought you could be.”

“You’re… you’re God?”

“In a sense, although that is a human word. Your God is a spiritual being; ethereal, untouchable beyond the state of your own mind. I am very much real, yet I can perform acts just as he could. In a sense; I am greater then your God.”

“You lie.”

“You deny. You do not yet know my power. In time, you will. In time, you will call me ‘master’.”

“Never! I would never give in too you! Let me free! Let me-“

********************

Jim opened his eyes with a start. Something had woken him. A noise; the gentle ‘kssh’ of his quarter’s automatic door sliding open and shut again.
He lay still, waiting for the post-dream sluggishness to seep from his mind. He sensed something was different. Weight; his mattress had sunken lower then usual. Something was sitting on the side of his bed.

He opened his mouth to speak, but a firm hand clamped itself over his mouth. He struggled, inaudible mumbles spewing from behind the smothering fingers. Then she spoke.

“Shhh… Jimmy, be still. It’s me, Sarah.” Her voice was soft, soothing. It did not portray the firmness with which she had forced her hand upon him.

Jim Raynor stopped struggling and stared blankly into the darkness. He wondered why she had not yet removed her hand.

“Because I do not want you to speak. I have questions to ask, and things to tell you. For now, I would prefer to just read your thoughts. They are more honest then a mouth could ever be.”

Jim relaxed. He no longer felt in danger, but Kerrigan’s words were disturbing him. They had never been this close in fact. It was a new experience.

“For me too, heh” her voice suggested she was smiling. When she spoke again, the tone was low and wavery.
“Jimmy… Arcturus just vid-commed me. The Protoss are converging on Tarsonis. They seem hell bent on wiping the Zerg from the planet like they did with Mar Sara. If we don’t stop them, everything we’ve worked for will be for nothing. The Confederates will escape and reform on another planet. We’ll never be free from their tyrannical clutches.”

She paused. Jim could feel her hand trembling against his lips.

‘Is that why you came here? To say goodbye?’

“In… a way. No doubt you’ll take this up with Arcturus first vid-conference we have. I know you don’t trust him, and I know you…” Again she paused.

‘What?’

“I know you… care for me. I know, even without reading your mind. I’ve watched the way you act around me.” She shifted on the side of his bed and gave a short laugh.
“Hah, do you remember the first thought you had when you first laid eyes on me?”

They went silent as the same line crossed their minds together. Jimmy couldn’t help smiling as he thought about it, before they both shared Kerrigan’s reply:

”You pig!”

Kerrigan didn’t say anything for awhile. Jimmy could feel her eyes on him in the dark. Her hand was beginning to tremble again.

“But you’re right. That isn’t the only reason I came here. Before Arcturus woke me, I was… I was dreaming. In it, I couldn’t move. I was suspended, all my senses dulled. It felt so unbelievably real. I was grateful to be awake-“

********************

“That... that dream. That’s what this is! This isn’t real!”

“Your memories are fascinating, little one. They hold many things dear to you in your life. They give you purpose, a will to succeed at any cost. But these memories will serve a different purpose upon your rebirth.”

“What do you mean?”

“Revealing that to you now would be… detrimental to your growth.”

“I don’t believe you. I won’t. This isn’t real. I merely have to wake up. Jimmy will-“

“That human is inconsequential. He will not help you. Give in to your fate”

“He will. He promised. He-“

********************

‘Are you worried about the dream? Do you think it means something?’

“I don’t know Jimmy. I’ve never fully understood my own mind. The Confederates trained me to control my emotions, harness my thoughts and focus on the tasks at hand. But they’ve never told me what I may be capable of. Sometimes I have… flashes.”

She seemed to grow agitated; Jim could hear the fingers of her free hand toying with lace on her night clothing.

“I see things before they happen.” She said softly. “Not often… but when I do, it’s rarely uneventful. The Confederates said it was the side affect of performance enhancement drugs. Arcturus… never really discussed it. It seemed like he wanted to avoid the topic altogether.”

Her speech was interrupted a short sniffle.

”Yes” she continued, “I am worried about the dream. Darkness, silence; drifting in limbo. I just felt… so helpless.”

Jim heard her turn her face away. A drop of wetness fell on his bare arm. She was crying.

He sat up, and her hand fell unresisting from his face.
“Kerrigan… Sarah. What’s wrong? You can tell me. I’m… I’m here for you.”

Kerrigan sat motionless, sniffing in the dark. Jim reached down to touch her hand, and she snapped out of it with a start, and pushed him forcefully back onto the bed. She pinned his hands above his head and hovered above him, only visible as a silhouette in the gloom. He could hear her quivering breaths.

With a sigh, she released him, and collapsed onto his chest. She moved so that her head rested underneath his chin, and relaxed. Jim wasn’t sure what to do.

She was obviously disturbed. Scared. Maybe both. He’d never spent much time with women before, let alone distressed ones. Should he comfort her? Say nothing? Off his –

She laughed softly.
“Jimmy, stop thinking. Your mind’s racing faster then your heart. I just want to stay here for awhile. Safe.”

Jim closed his eyes and allowed himself to relax. Concentrated on the things he could sense, since his vision was obscured in the darkness.

Her hair. So close to his face. It had an aroma of its own. Indescribable and comforting. The soft, rhythmic breathes escaping from her lips. The feel of her soft skin against his tanned and weather beaten arm. Her own heart, positioned somewhere over his left side, beat evenly with his. A dull pendulum, ticking back and forth between two ultimately divided spaces. His mind was beginning to wander, slip back into the unreality of dream. It was a struggle to remain focused.

“Jimmy, I want you to promise me something.”

Kerrigans words sparked new life behind his eye lids.

“Promise? Anything. I’ll do anything for you.”

“I have a dreadful feeling that this mission will be a last. A last for everything. Last time I’ll serve under Arcturus. Last time I’ll risk my life for mankind.” He felt her head lift and her eyes upon his face. “Last time I’ll see you.”

Raynor stared back in the night, waiting for what she’d say next.

“Promise you’ll come find me.”

“Come find you? Why? Where will you be?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know if I’ll be of this world. Perhaps my encounter with the Protoss will be the end of my life. Just promise me.”

Jim was silent. Thoughtless. She shifted so her face was closer to his.

“Jim? Will you?”

Again he didn’t respond. He felt her eyes scanning him. Then, ever so lightly, he felt invisible hands inside his mind. Soft fingertips clawing through his brain, parting emotions and memories; searching for the answer.

He shook his head.
“Don’t. Please; don’t do that. I can tell you myself.” He took a breath, “I’ll find you Sarah. Wherever you might be. I’ll travel across the known universe if I have to. I promise; I’ll find you.”

********************

“You fool yourself, little one. Seeking sanctuary within false hope will only delay your ascension.”

“He promised. It was genuine. I felt it in his mind. In his voice. He’ll come find me.”

“Little one…”

“What? Why do you persist in this torment?”

“… You do not know what you are, do you little one? You do not know who made you?”

“What do you mean? My parents. I am a product of love.”

“You are, but you are so much more then that. You’ve been an experiment for more years then you can remember.”

“……”

“Upon Mar Sara, my hive ambushed a human transport as it was evacuating the planet. Within it was a human very highly regarded by your race. He had knowledge of a great many things. When he was assimilated into my brood, I too gained that knowledge. I learned of your life.”

“What… what do you know?”

“Your parents were murdered. Members of the Confederate Ghost Program were notified by hospital staff the night you were born. They said they had a child of unusual psionic abilities.”

“They... told me I was taken from my parents because of population regulations. They already had another child, it was against the law too-“

“You have been lied to. Confederate Ghosts stormed the hospital and slaughtered everyone who bore witness to your existence. You mother was shot in her bed, still holding you in her arms. Your father followed shortly after, when he brutally attacked a Ghost with a surgical scalpel. They slit his throat from ear to ear and left him to drown in his own blood.”

“How… Why? WHY? Why did they do it? My parents would have posed no threat to them.”

“Knowledge is power, little one.”

“… I was forced to work for the Confederacy for years. Doing their dirty work, being subjected to countless tests. Arcturus rescued me. He saved me. He was the only one that truly cared.”

“And what did he do after your gallant rescue from the scientists at that Terran outpost?”

“He told me the truth. How our lives had been ruined by the actions of the Confederacy. He said how alike we were… how we fought for a common cause now.”

“And how did he fight?”

“He… he made me execute Confederates. Politicians, generals, high-ranking medical officers… anything to help bring upon their downfall. It was for the greater good-“

“He made you an Assassin. Arcturus used you for the same means as the Confederates did. Same job; different sides. Little one, you must understand the workings of a primitive mind like the one you humans share. He never cared about you; he was securing his own political gain.”

“He saved me.”

“He damned you. Look around you, little one. If you can. Where do you think you are? How do you think you got here?”

“I… don’t know. I can’t… I can’t remember.”

“Arcturus abandoned you. He left you on that orbital platform, left you at my mercy. Like every political tool; once it has served its purpose, it’s outlived its usefulness.”

“I… I…”

********************

Time passed. They both lay unmoving. Jim drifted in and out of sleep; awoken by Kerrigans movements beside him, or an almost inaudible sigh. Her arm was draped across the length of his chest, hugging him close. He could feel her heart against his shoulder.

Suddenly, an alien sound filled his ears. A blinking red light lit the room in an eerie glow. Kerrigan sat up with a start and flicked a switch on her wrist band.
For the first time that night, Raynor saw her face.

In the soft blue glow of a mini-tech plasma screen, he watched mesmorised as her eyes scanned the message. Admired her perfectly smooth skin, tinted silver by the light. The delicate pout of her lips, moving slightly as she mouthed words to herself.
And the way that single strand of hair drooped down in front of her eyes, causing her to brush it back with a hand, and it returning seconds later.

Kerrigan stopped reading her message, and looked up into his eyes.

“You’re pretty observant for a guy, you know.”

They smiled together, locked in unblinking gaze. Finally she broke the contact.

“It’s time. Arcturus has requested the immediate presence of all previously briefed soldiers. We’re shipping out in two hours.”

Jim knew the concern on his face was clearly visible. He found himself lifting his hand to touch her face.

“Sarah… you don’t have to-“

“Yes. Yes I do. And you know it. Arcturus doesn’t accept excuses.” She placed her hand over his and pressed it to her cheek.

“Be careful” he said, trying to hold back wave of emotions he was feeling. Anger at Arcturus for sending her on such a foolhardy mission; fear that she might fall victim to the Zerg. But looking at her face, all those feelings melted away. All he felt was…

She smiled and brought his hand to her lips, kissing his rough, worn knuckles.
“I will.” Kerrigan leaned forward so she was a mere nose length away from his face. “Remember your promise, Jimmy.” She leaned in closer.

Jim felt his lips quiver with nervous anticipation.
“I… will. I will find you.” He leaned in too, closing his eyes.

And suddenly she was gone. The bed bounced back as the extra weight disappeared. Jim sat up right, staring into pitch black.
The soft ‘kssh’ of his quarter’s automatic door drew his attention. A thin, shapely silhouette stood within the space.

“Goobye, Jimmy.” The voice sounded faint and ghostly. He felt the words in his mind, more then heard them being said.

He blinked, and the figure had dissolved into the night.

“Goodbye, Sarah.”

********************

Darkness. Silence. In limbo, a state of free floating weightlessness.

>Pop. Gurgle. Scworp<

Sound, light. Murky haze through flowing liquid.

“…I…”

Voice.

“…I…I can’t…”

Reply.

“You can. And you will. The first step towards ascension is admitting the things you know you’ve been denying.”

“But it’s so painful…”

“I know, little one. It always is. The Confederacy destroyed your family. They introduced you to death at an early age, made you cold, emotionless. You learned to obey, follow blindly and unquestionably. Then when you were saved by your would-be ‘angel’, he sent you right back to the same thing, just under the banner of a different cause. And the male… the one you hold emotions for even now-“

“Don’t. Please.”

“He has broken his promise. He will not come to find you. You are a casualty of an already forgotten battle. Your race disowns you.”

Darkness. Silence. Limbo.

>Pop. Gurgle. Scworp<

“What do you offer me?”

“Freedom. Power. Revenge. The chance to rule. All these things can be yours.”

“And in return?”

“Stop resisting. Embrace your fate. Abandon your foolish hopes. And call me master.”

“… You say you’re greater then God? Can you even comprehend what you're asking me to do? Please, just leave me alone. You’ve given me too many things to think about. ”

“I understand, little one, I shall leave you be. Rest now; there is much in store for you.”

Silence. Limbo. Seclusion.

>Pop. Gurgle. Scworp<

Voice

“……”

Voice.

“…Jimmy…”

RevenantsKnight
23-12-2004, 03:42
I was so hoping you'd read this RevenantsKnight, you're like my critic idol :p

Thanks for the kind words, though I'm afraid I'm not perfect...I appear to have missed this point last time:

“Never! I would never give in too you! Let me free! Let me-“

That should be "to," not "too." Also, "Let me free" seems wrong, since the verb "to free" takes an object (i.e. you free something); "Let me go" would work instead.

"A Love Story" - Choosing 2 characters that had 'romantic connections' within a Blizzard Universe, and describing a meeting between the two. The goal was to show beleivable emotion and possible 'love' between the two characters, and see who could do that best on-forum.

My comment was rooted in my preference for original characters as leads instead of game characters; given the context, I could see why that's not a viable option. To be perfectly frank, I think this category is a tad less than ideal because every single piece will fall into this trap. Of course, that doesn't mean that every single piece from this category will be "bad," since I don't think that of this story.

I'm almost certain i've seen this done before, but when i put Jimmy's speech in 'quotes', it signified he was thinking it, not saying it. Because Kerrigan still had her hand over his mouth, and she was reading his mind.
Is there a proper way to do thought-speech? I've seen it done 'quotes' instead of "quotes" in a few places before i swear...

It's probably been used before, but it's a little too subtle for my tastes. Maybe others will disagree with me here, but I thought they were just typos. And there is no "proper" way to do thoughts; I usually stick to italics, and when that's not feasible for various reasons (such as in this story) I try to add things like "he thought" after each one. But that's just me, and I'm not recommending you do that here. Unfortunately, I haven't a better suggestion on how to do this.

Does TDL accept Starcraft Fiction? If so, do you think it's good enough to submit once i've corrected the mistakes?

As far as I know, TDL will take just about anything so long as it meets their standards of quality; the setting tends to be less of a sticking point than, say, incoherent plot. Whether it's good enough...well, I'm not a TDL staffer, so I can't offer a concrete answer, but I've definitely seen worse in the archives. You may as well take a shot at it; if it gets rejected, you'll probably get even more feedback on your story, as they're good about telling people why they didn't get a nod. Good luck with any further writings!

Project_Xii
06-01-2005, 09:41
Hooray!!! i got into the Dark Library!! :D

Just wanted to say thanks for all your help guys, it might not have happened without yous :)