The Shadow Beneath Westmarch

[Science Cryption]

Westmarch, the capital city of the land of god. As a paladin they teach you everything but the beginings of evil, details never knew a plainer wall of non-compliance. The story begins in the large villiage of Korous, where two young boys are running through the forest, fighting with fallen branches.
As the day wears on they fall into the thick golden leaves famous to lands of Westmarch. Tired and panting they share a searching look at each others dirtied faces, Remilus- the younger one asks Sephan- the older, "which way to the north?" Pointing obliviously in the direction of the sun, Sephan sighs and in the same action says "that way." As if the words were never heard, Remilus asks "and which way is my father?" Giving a knowing round house rolling of his eyes Sephan whispers, "The same." The wind picked up and began blowing the leaves over the boys, flowing over them in what seemed like fire dancing and twirling in a cyclone of color. As the wind died, the boys sprang from their newly laden tombs, running twords dricewols lake. As they breached the clearing, the smell of burning fat and smoldered skin peirced their sences, what they saw then, they would never live to remember.

[Science Cryption]

Knowing that her Son Sephan and his friend Remilus should have been back before dawn, Kamil left her knitting be and called their names from the halls observatory deck. She would wait 15 minutes then send Patriclo the family Hound to find them, using the sent of their bed spreads. The weather was typical of the season, not to cold and not to warm. The distained feeling that usually accomplanies the end of the day was hitting Kamil much harder than usual, as a shiver ran from her left leg up her spine to her shoulders she called for Patriclo. Running into the woods Patriclo disapeared with a resounding motion of speed and determination. An hour later kamil heard the panting of what sounded like patriclo outside the front door. As she opened opened it Patriclo's body feel into the opened space. A wave of Terror hit Kamil, Patriclo's lower jaw had been ripped of and his hind right leg totally torn apart, his midsection had been slashed, from the looks of the entry and exit pattern, it was most likely a spine edged cutlass. Patriclo wasn't wimpering, his royal training had turned off that part of his behavior, still he was shaking uncontrolably and blood was inching its way across the white marble floor. regaining calm she reashured herself that a wildago a gone mad and Patriclo was just in the way, And then it hit her, looseing all calm she fell to the floor. Stuck within the hounds blood stained upper jaw was a shred of sephans clothing, she knew that in the event of a persons inability to move hounds like patriclo were trained to secure a hold on the clothing of that individual and drag them home or to the nearest villiage. This of course ment that patriclo had found the boys, obviously they were not alone.

[0xDEADCAFE]

I like this. Your writing is vivid and it has a nice feel to it, though there are many spelling and grammatical mistakes for such a short piece, most of which I suspect you could easily find by proof-reading. You might also want to consider the use of paragraphs in future posts, which I look forward to.

[Science Cryption]

Remilus awoke to the sound of moving bodies, at first he didn't know where he was or why, as he turned his head to look around, he rediscovered his nightmare. Staring into nothingness Sephan hung from jagged hooks on the wall adjacent to Remilus, His right hand and part of his torso were missing. sephans left hand was in a state of permenant spasm, griping the air only to break apart the dried and crusting blood that covered his body. Wanting to escape would be Remilus's first thought, but before he could manage it he realized his problem, protruding from his midsection with freash blood still dripping, was what seemed like, from the shape and angle of it's blade anyway, a war syth. Remilus had been well trained through out his life, and he knew that a war syth is 6' and 4" long, from the angle the blade was projecting from, it occured to Remilus that he was too hanging from a wall.
He knew that certain weapons were crafted to only seperate limbs or induce pain, this weapon wasn't causing pain, it was only preventing him from moving. Since Remilus had neither the strength or means to lift himself above the horizontal edge, he exhaled deeply and tried to twist the blade downward. Even in the absence of pain the body will retract or with hold operational commands if the body is in great physical pain, and as he moved Remilus realized he wouldn't be going anywhere, even if someone where to break the syth removing the blade would cause tremendous bleeding. drained and on the verge of unconciousness, Remilus called to Sephan but as he looked in his direction Sephan was gone, as Remilus passed into darkness the last thing he saw was Sephan crawling towards him.

[Clarke667]

Like 0xDeadCafe, I'm digging this story, but I really wish you'd seperate the paragraphs. Huge unbroken blocks of text get hard on the eyes after awhile.

Anyways, good job, looking forward.

[Science Cryption]

Yea sorry about the structuring, my biggest problem in writting is the actual rules and regs of how its done right, people say im a good writer, but thats always accompanied with you need to refine your "writing skills."

Anyways im glad you two like my story, i wish more people would read it though... maybe you guys can send word?

I'm a begining writer and need all the help i can get, criticism, hints, suggestions, and so on.

Poor Patriclo, he was only doing his job.

[RevenantsKnight]

This is a little difficult to get through due to misspellings and grammar issues, but the ideas you have look good, and there are a few excellent images here. With a fair amount of editing, hopefully you’ll be able to get this across to the reader with greater ease. For some general writing advice, I’d recommend the Articles section at The Dark Library (tdl.diabloii.net); they’ve got a good one on grammatical errors and another on writing style. If you want to improve your overall writing skill, it couldn’t hurt to take a look at ‘em. Anyway, here’re some unfairly pompous and harsh comments on the first two parts:

Westmarch, the capital city of the land of god.

Westmarch is a geographical region and a kingdom; the capital of Westmarch is Duncraig, and Kingsport is the other major city. Also, “God” per se doesn’t really come up in Diablo; the closest thing is the Light.

As a paladin they teach you everything but the beginings of evil, details never knew a plainer wall of non-compliance.

Paladins don’t come from Westmarch; they’re technically Zakarumites who rebelled against the purges. Also, that should be “beginnings,” and I’m not sure what you’re trying to say here with the last clause...

The story begins in the large villiage of Korous, where two young boys are running through the forest, fighting with fallen branches.

That should be spelled “village.”

As the day wears on they fall into the thick golden leaves famous to lands of Westmarch.

The use of “As the day wears on” makes this sound like they fell into the leaves over a long period of time, i.e. it took them hours to go from standing up to prone, and this change was slight and constant. Also, “wears” and “fall” are in the present tense, and I’d suggest switching them to the past tense, which you use later in the narration. If you had planned to use the present for stylistic reasons, then switch all of the verbs in the narration to the present tense. This latter option is definitely harder, but sometimes it works rather well. Unless you’re feeling really ambitious and willing to put a lot of time into this, I wouldn’t recommend it, though.

Tired and panting they share a searching look at each others dirtied faces, Remilus- the younger one asks Sephan- the older, "which way to the north?"

There should be a comma after “panting,” and “others” should be “other’s” since you’re using it to indicate possession of the faces. Additionally, you don’t need to say both “the younger” and “the older” since there’re only two of them, and I’d eliminate the hyphens and replace them with commas; you’ll need additional commas after “one” and before “the older,” assuming you don’t delete one. Also, the “which” in the quote should be capitalized, since the first word in a spoken sentence is generally capitalized.

As if the words were never heard, Remilus asks "and which way is my father?"

Erm...”as if the words were never heard” conflicts with what Remilus says, since what he says only makes sense if he’s responding to what Sephan told him.

Giving a knowing round house rolling of his eyes Sephan whispers, "The same."

From this sentence back to the start of the narrative, the verbs are all in the present tense. Afterwards, they’re in the past tense. As I mentioned before, I’d pick one and stick with it. Also, there should be a comma after “eyes,” and “giving” leaves unanswered the question “giving to whom?” I’d suggest rewriting it as “With a roundhouse rolling...”

The wind picked up and began blowing the leaves over the boys, flowing over them in what seemed like fire dancing and twirling in a cyclone of color.

A vivid and enjoyable image. :)

As the wind died, the boys sprang from their newly laden tombs, running twords dricewols lake.

If “Dricewols” is the name of the lake, then it should be capitalized; if it isn’t, then I haven’t a clue what you meant there. Also, I think you meant “towards” at the end there.

As they breached the clearing, the smell of burning fat and smoldered skin peirced their sences, what they saw then, they would never live to remember.

That should be “pierced” and “senses,” and the comma after the latter should be a period or semicolon because it’s being used to connect two clauses that could be complete sentences.

Knowing that her Son Sephan and his friend Remilus should have been back before dawn, Kamil left her knitting be and called their names from the halls observatory deck.

This felt like it changed times on me a little too suddenly; I’m not sure when this is relative to what you last wrote about, and at any rate you may want to add a descriptive sentence or two before jumping into the action. “Son” doesn’t need to be capitalized here, and “halls” should be “hall’s.” As a rule, when you’re indicating possession, such as “hall’s observatory deck,” you should use the noun (if it’s singular) plus an apostrophe and an “s.” This changes, of course, for cases such as “my,” “your,” etc.

She would wait 15 minutes then send Patriclo the family Hound to find them, using the sent of their bed spreads.

“She would wait” suggests that she did this regularly; I’d recommend making this just “She waited...and then sent...” Also, “hound” doesn’t need to be capitalized, and unless the exact length of time she waited factors in later, I’d just say “a short while” so it doesn’t sound as scientific. Lastly, you need commas before and after “the family hound,” and “sent” should be “scent.”

The weather was typical of the season, not to cold and not to warm.

You need “too,” not “to,” in both instances here.

The distained feeling that usually accomplanies the end of the day was hitting Kamil much harder than usual, as a shiver ran from her left leg up her spine to her shoulders she called for Patriclo.

That should be “accompanies.”

Running into the woods Patriclo disapeared with a resounding motion of speed and determination.

You need a comma after “woods,” and “disappeared” has two “p”s.

An hour later kamil heard the panting of what sounded like patriclo outside the front door.

“Kamil” and “Patriclo” should be capitalized, since they’re proper names.

As she opened opened it Patriclo's body feel into the opened space.

You’ve an extra use of “opened” here, and I think “feel” should be “fell.”

A wave of Terror hit Kamil, Patriclo's lower jaw had been ripped of and his hind right leg totally torn apart, his midsection had been slashed, from the looks of the entry and exit pattern, it was most likely a spine edged cutlass.

This could actually be as many as three sentences; the commas after “Kamil” and “slashed” should be periods or semicolons. A general rule about comma splices, which is what these are technically called: if you’ve got a comma in a sentence, and you can make the part before and the part after two separate sentences, then you need a period or a semicolon instead. Next, that should be “ripped off” instead of “ripped of.” Also, unless Kamil’s a healer or former soldier, then I doubt she’d be able to determine the weapon that caused a wound. Either way, it couldn’t hurt for you to add in some bits about who she is. In fact, it would help if all of the characters had a little more description, because I don’t know anything really about what they’re like, what they do, etc.

Patriclo wasn't wimpering, his royal training had turned off that part of his behavior, still he was shaking uncontrolably and blood was inching its way across the white marble floor.

Those should be “whimpering” and “uncontrollably.” Also, “turned off” makes Patriclo sound like a robot, which makes it a little harder for me to feel sorry for him. Finally, take a look at the commas before and after “his royal training had turned off that part of his behavior”...would you suggest any changes given what I’ve said previously?

regaining calm she reashured herself that a wildago a gone mad and Patriclo was just in the way, And then it hit her, looseing all calm she fell to the floor.

“Regaining” should be capitalized, and “reashured” and “looesing” should be “reassured” and “losing” respectively. In terms of punctuation, you need commas after “Regaining calm,” and “all calm,” and the commas after “way” and “hit her” should be periods or semicolons. Also, did you mean “had” instead of the “a” after “wildago”?

Stuck within the hounds blood stained upper jaw was a shred of sephans clothing, she knew that in the event of a persons inability to move hounds like patriclo were trained to secure a hold on the clothing of that individual and drag them home or to the nearest villiage.

The comma after “clothing” should be a semicolon, and names should be capitalized. Also, “hounds,” “persons” and “Sephans” should be “hound’s,” “person’s” and “Sephan’s,” “village” has one “i” and there should be a comma after “move.”

This of course ment that patriclo had found the boys, obviously they were not alone.

“Ment” should be “meant,” “Patriclo” should be capitalized, and the comma after “boys” should be a period or semicolon.

I agree that you've got some good moments, and I'll read more if you've got any. :) Good luck with this, and thanks for posting!

[Science Cryption]

The sun had already fallen when Kamil had gathered enough strength to stand. It was by no means typical of her to be so distrought, as a former cleric of the king's council she knew that calm proceeded action. The Weapons training she recieved on her brothers request had done its job, and she knew that action was to be demanded.
Looking around as if just then realizing her situation, the floor was soaked with blood and patriclo was gone. Outside the wind cut to the bone, Kamil didn't know how the weather had so suddenly changed but she wasn't in the mood to care. staring back at the blood and about to move when a noise from the square cuaght her attention. A low moaning that can be easily described as a sick man in agony getting out of bed.
She ran to the open door and looked outside, there moving toward's the village, like a darkness overpowered by one of greater darkness, was a mass of inching bodys. "Patrico!" she yelled, after a few slip seconds she wasn't surprised to see no Patriclo coming immediatly as usual. Instead she found that her cry had only shifted the group closest to her, in her direction.
Instinctively Kamil bolted the door, holding the slit that rested level at five feet from the bottom of the door open to see outside. Knowing all to well that alone she would have little chance against such a force, she decided to somehow warn the village. Before she could turn she felt an odd wet sensation flowing from here back to the floor, turning only in reflex to find Patriclo. The muscles in here left arm (her good arm) had been ripped and rendered useless, "Run," she said aloud as if not capable of thinking such a thing.
Jarvious had been a stable boy for the StoneCreek family ( Stephan's family) for his whole life, and today was no exception. Today was sunday, and his job as always on sunday was to keep the grounds orderly.
Today however was over, and the night was his time of recluse. Through out Westmarch country boys like himself dreamed of the chance to work for current or retired heads of the crown. Jarvious had always felt a slight burning to run into the StoneCreek residence and diclare his love for Kamil, but he was a patient stable boy and dreams like that took time to organize.
As he was walking the grounds he suddenly found himself looking into the forest, tilting his head and creasing his eyed in an effert to see beyound the forest itself. Why not run in a couple of paces and run out? If he could muster that kind of courage maybe he could do the same for Kamil. His mind was made up, the first step was to physically take a step, he knew that but his legs didn't seem to be getting the same inspiring message. His nerves had always been jumpy and when he heard some one yelling to him his nerves did as expected. He jumped, and fell backwards over the dividing stone wall into the pigs traugh.
Kamil hadn't seen Jarvious but she knew he had to be around. "Jarvious! Jarvious!" Moments later she saw a horrid figure leaping from the darkness. "Oh no," she yelled "Not you too Jarvious," in a hopeless motion she fell to the floor. Only seconds later she heard Jarvious's voice "Yes Madame?" he questioned forcefully "What is your strife?" "Ohh Jarvious" she screamed rising to soon and to quick to avoid the baluster beem, she knocked herself out.
Jarvious however had heard her scream and ran with passion to the front square, where the gate to the inside was located. As Jarvious turned to corner he stopped the motion of his body, yet the force in the speed of his previous motion slid him across the gravle ground. Stopping a few paces after he stared blankly at the front gate, torn down and droves of men slowly yet assertivly marching inside. Jarvious was of no royal or distinguished blood but he knew that his duty in this situation was to aid these men. Running to the gate to join them in he was suprised to see that they werent whole men, but portions of ones.
Madness can be easyily inflicted upon people, but Jarvious had never seen such crazed drive in any of this worlds men. One seemed to notice that Jarvious was actually there, and instantly Jarvious recognized him. "Ohh Sephan, by the kings good graces stop this madness!" "Who are these men?" "Please Sephan, they will listen to you!" Out of breath and staring hopelessly at Sephan, Jarvious sat to catch his repose. He felt Sephans hand rest on his shoulder, then to his neck, as Jarvious rose his head he could not but feel like he was out of his own body. As his eyes widened and the blood from his face drained, he realized dumbly that his head was no longer apart of his body. Not enough life for terror, silence, vision dimmed and gone, and then utter nothing.
Meanwhile in the valley below, the Village of Korous rested with ease. The old men played Knights and Mercenary's, and the young ones slept with dreams of battles to come, yet unlike their games the battle ahead would have little valor to glorify. Somewhere below Arclore forest Remilus regained consiousness, he was no longer in waiting denial becuase now the only thing he could feel was pain.

[RevenantsKnight]

Hrm...Part Three is certainly a piece with an attracting, urgent feel to it. The spelling and grammar still aren’t the best, though they’re manageable and far from the worst I’ve seen. My previous general comments about things like comma splices still apply; I’ll point the ones I see out for you, and hopefully you’ll manage to phase them out over time. Here’re some more unfairly pompous and harsh suggestions... ;)

Remilus awoke to the sound of moving bodies, at first he didn't know where he was or why, as he turned his head to look around, he rediscovered his nightmare.

The commas before and after “at first he didn’t know where he was or why” are comma splices. I suspect you might want everything after “at first...” to be one sentence, though, so if you do, I’d combine it in this way: “At first, he didn’t know where he was or why he was in this place, but as he turned his head...”

Staring into nothingness Sephan hung from jagged hooks on the wall adjacent to Remilus, His right hand and part of his torso were missing.

You need a comma after “nothingness,” and the comma after “Remilus” should be a period, if I’m reading this correctly.

sephans left hand was in a state of permenant spasm, griping the air only to break apart the dried and crusting blood that covered his body.

“Permenant” should be “permanent,” and “sephans” should read “Sephan’s.” Also, I think you mean “gripping,” not “griping,” as the former means “to grasp.” That is, unless you’re intentionally using a dialect-based variant...

Wanting to escape would be Remilus's first thought, but before he could manage it he realized his problem, protruding from his midsection with freash blood still dripping, was what seemed like, from the shape and angle of it's blade anyway, a war syth.

The first clause of this sentence sounds awkward to me, as “Remilus’s first thought would be wanting to escape,” which should produce a more or less identical idea, sounds like the thought itself wants to escape; I’d rewrite this as “Remilus’s first thought would have been a desire to escape...” Towards the end, the phrase “from the shape and angle of its blade anyway” felt too familiar; I’d recommend deleting the “anyway” because it’s basically conversational English. Also, “freash” should be “fresh,” “it’s” should be “its” here since you’re indicating possession of the blade, and “scythe” has a “c” and an “s” in it.

Remilus had been well trained through out his life, and he knew that a war syth is 6' and 4" long, from the angle the blade was projecting from, it occured to Remilus that he was too hanging from a wall.

The exact length of a war scythe is not a detail that really needs to be here; I’d get what you were saying with just “he knew the precise length of a war scythe...,” which wouldn’t sound as technical. And, going off on a bit of a tangent...isn’t a war scythe longer than that? Maybe my memory’s not so good, but I seem to remember Barbarians using war scythes that were taller than they were, and Barbarians aren’t exactly short...but enough of that rambling. More on topic, “occurred” has two “r”s, I think you need “him” or “his body” or something like that after “projecting from,” and there’s a comma splice after “long.” Also, I’d switch the order of the words in the phrase “was too”; there’s no grammatical reason I can think of for this, but I’ve seen it usually with “too” before the verb.

He knew that certain weapons were crafted to only seperate limbs or induce pain, this weapon wasn't causing pain, it was only preventing him from moving.

Uh...I don’t buy the idea that it wouldn’t hurt to have a large bladed object shoved through one’s midsection. Also, “separate” has two “a”s, and the separation of limbs from a body is lethal if untreated due to massive bleeding. Finally, there’s a comma splice after the first instance of “pain.”

Since Remilus had neither the strength or means to lift himself above the horizontal edge, he exhaled deeply and tried to twist the blade downward.

That should be “neither the strength nor the means...” since “nor” always follows “neither.” Also, I don’t understand what you mean by “lift himself above the horizontal edge”...if the weapon’s blade has been driven through him from front to back or vice versa, he can’t exactly lift himself upwards to clear it. Was he trying to snap the blade off the shaft? Additionally, if it’s just the scythe pinning him to the wall, it should’ve snapped a long time ago unless my idea of this boy’s weight is really off or this weapon is enchanted.

Even in the absence of pain the body will retract or with hold operational commands if the body is in great physical pain, and as he moved Remilus realized he wouldn't be going anywhere, even if someone where to break the syth removing the blade would cause tremendous bleeding.

This is a pretty nice use of taking a general idea and then tying it in specifically to the situation. However, some of the specifics are a little rough still; “operational commands” doesn’t sound like something out of a medieval tale, unless it’s Tom Clancy’s attempt at one, and you imply here that he’s in pain, which is contrary to what you said before. Some spelling points: “withhold” is one word, “someone where” should be “someone were,” and “scythe” is misspelled again. Finally, you need commas after the first instance of “pain” and “scythe.”

drained and on the verge of unconciousness, Remilus called to Sephan but as he looked in his direction Sephan was gone, as Remilus passed into darkness the last thing he saw was Sephan crawling towards him.

There’s a comma splice after “gone,” “drained” should be capitalized, “unconsciousness” has an “-sci-” pattern in the middle, and you need a comma after “darkness.”

I have to say that it’s a very good sign that I can feel drawn in to this story even with the grammatical and spelling problems. There’s room for improvement still, but it’s already got a grip on me...if the aforementioned issues disappear and the characters get expanded a little, it could really start pulling. :) Keep at it, and thanks for posting!

[Science Cryption]

Well i have to say thanks for the help Reven. But the truth is i don't even understand the advice your giving. Sadly im under-educated, and have limited knowledge of grammatical terms, i get confused when you say comma! sad as that is id like to learn from you. Im an independent study student and have been on and off for the past few years. you have to understand that in my school system grammer and structure play's like no part at all, it's a wonder i can write this good. Anyways i'm debating on what to write next, its not as if I'm out of ideas but I would like to make the order in which the story is told proper to its tone.

If you would be so kind as to comment on what you would like to see next, i would appriciate it. thanks :SC

[RevenantsKnight]

Well i have to say thanks for the help Reven. But the truth is i don't even understand the advice your giving. Sadly im under-educated, and have limited knowledge of grammatical terms, i get confused when you say comma! sad as that is id like to learn from you.

For some definitions of sentence components and that sort of thing, try this link: http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/marks.htm.
There're exhaustive definitions of every punctuation symbol, and if you look around the site, there's lots of grammatical goodness to be found. :D I'd try to explain the points listed there, but I'd almost certainly break my keyboard in the process and still end up leaving stuff out.

If you have an English teacher or parent/relative who speaks English, it couldn't hurt to ask them, either. It often helps to talk out questions with an actual person as opposed to looking at a computer screen.

Anyways i'm debating on what to write next, its not as if I'm out of ideas but I would like to make the order in which the story is told proper to its tone.

If you would be so kind as to comment on what you would like to see next, i would appriciate it. thanks :SC

Erm...from a general perspective, it'd be good to see the characters involved in greater depth, with more descriptions and dialogue (if appropriate) so the reader gets a better idea of the various people in your world and can care about them more. The settings could also use a few more distinguishing features; while I got the idea that Kamil appears to live in a royal palace, I haven't much of an idea of what that building looks like, for instance.

However, I'm not going to suggest what should happen next to the boys or how you should order your story, since I believe rather firmly that the best plots, etc. are ones that the author comes up with on his or her own. Of the pieces that I've written, the ones I like most and other people have responded best to are not ones that have been written "on demand."

[Science Cryption]

Remilus awoke once again to the sound of bodies being moved, or otherwise torn apart. As he lifted his head he saw something rather familure about the dress of the tall figure before him. The mans back was turned to Remilus but he could tell that the obscure dark man was hard at work on something. Remilus had seen enough to not want any more images burned within him, so unlike usual he tried not to imagine every detail. A short while past and the working Figure, which Remilus had approprietly titled (Darkshoulders) was seemingly finished with his task. As DarkShoulders turned Remilus was awestruck by the sight of a hidiously gored body on the table behind Darkshoulders. What he saw after nearly wiped all the sense of terror from him and in a blast of confused glee Remilus breached all modes of silence, with a hearty and overstrained yell "Father!" The man was seemingly troubled by the sight of this corpse on the wall talking to him, and with a quick and unholy strength Darkshoulders lifted Remilus from the war syth and placed him over his erie shoulder. "Papa whats going on?," Remilus asked in a pain stained voice.
As Darkshoulders carried Remilus deeper into the cave Remilus began to wonder if Sephan had been Lifted from the Floor. After passing out from trying to reach Remilus, Sephan had just laid there and Remilus had too passed out soon there after. As they went along, Remilus saw hordes of men standing idlely as if they had nothing better to do. "Who are all these people father?" "Are they Your Servants?" At that the idle men moved in around Darkshoulders, seemingly ready to attack. Darkshoulders stuck his shredded hand into the mass of mindless body's, and then from his hand came a weedleing blast of black space. Remilus Thought it was like magic just with a terrable feeling of fear surrounding it. As if the men had just been switched off they seperated and went back to standing idle once more.
Remilus knew that Sephans mother used something like magic to heal the members of council, and if honored enough, was allowed to join the kings personel healer in a joint session. What he had just seen however, was nothing like the blue ichy feeling he got when Kamil set his broken arm a year earlyer. This was somehow wrong, it felt like everything around him had died including a part of himself. The cave was dry, actually is was more like moistureless. If it weren't for the blood coming from his mouth he would have died of suffication due to a shrivled throat hours ago. The farther they went the lighter it became, and judging by the moisture showering his body he could only assume that they were in the fabled caverns below dricewols lake. He had never been here before, but Sephan had always promised to find it and explore it with him. If he was below the lake where was the light coming from? He swung to look around his fathers midsection and saw an alter lit in a strange pattern surrounding it.
Darkshoulders placed Remilus on the alter and tore his shirt and vest off. "It hurts father, will you make it go away?" Remilus hadn't heard his father speak, that made him sad, maybe his father was angry with him?
As if by accident Darkshoulders blurted out a broken phrase,"Hurts? Father?"
His voice was shallow, very looming and seemingly distracted by something close by. Dismissing a thought somewhere in his mind, Darkshoulders Spoke again,"Humoctals umellsi houndorqui." In an instant the words turned to darkness in mid-air and slowly fabricated itself into a blinding stone of un-naturall yellow. The dark space that was left fell slowly on too Remilus's stomach. He could actually feel his eyes widening, and after a moment or two he no longer felt the need to breath.
Darkshoulders enveloped the stone with his iron grip, and with great force and obvious strain he tore the gleeming stone from it's origonless space. Remilus noticed almost absent mindedly that his sight had changed, he no longer saw in color but what could be better decribed as living or non-living mass. It was a riviting change, yet he noticed that by altering a lense of which he just now discovered he could see in many different visions. There was a (tone) vision, in which he could decipher the density and depth of anything around him. Also one he didn't like, it wasn't so much a perception as a gateway of thought, when he used that lense he could hear commands and directions to do things. Remilus decided to use the vision in which resembled going at unknown speed, it can be described as a circlular whole of thought in the center of your perception. Around the center was nothing but unfocused blurr, if he listened he could her what he thought were voices withen the blurr.
Remilus hadn't noticed Darkshoulders hovering above him, when he did he saw his fathers hand swoop down and puncture the already peirced section of his cheast. There was no pain and certainly no fear, although it was all a little confusing to Remilus. Suddenly Remilus felt a strength in himself, it was nuasiating at first and from each eye came a flood of tears. Remilus was twitching all over, his control was severed and now he was only able to watch as his body stood and droped to the floor with the utmost speed and grace. After a moment of akward nothingness, his control returned. The power and feeling of the stone that Darkshoulders had thrust in him was everywhere, every part of his body was infused with it's aura.
Darkshoulders knelt before him and with quick and devistating efficiency uttered the word Remilus knew so well,"Master."

[Science Cryption]

The sun had risen and the birds were gliding on air as birds often do. The suns glow was distant at best when Kamil regained conciousness. The last thing she remembered was yelling Jarvious's name, and then she went blank. Why was she on the floor? Why had she been screeming bloody murder to the stable boy? She told herself it was a nighmare and she had fallen asleep upon the window cill. As she stood and began to walk towards the stairs she was utterly surprised to bumb into a man that stood before the stairs. "Excuse me my lady, it isn't safe to be walking around unattented."
"How do you mean? This is my house is it not?" Kamil was dumbfounded by this stranger advising her upon her own soil. "Indeed it tis my lady, yet the land is no longer held in its former light of regard." Said the man, whom at first Kamil had trouble placing yet after a good look she had desiphered him to be a member of the korous village temple gaurd.
Making the motion to speak with her lips, she had a questioning look upon her. At that time she heard a noise like metal clanging metal from outside, a scream then a thud against the main door. The Palace of the StoneCreek family had been built upon the blood and sweat of 3 warrior cleric generations. It was a tall if not overly large building, that spread 50 paces in each direction. The barn and stable where the only origonal structures left from the first residence, their family title had been lockchester. As far as Kamil knew their blood line died with the coming of the StoneCreek family. She had heard rumers that the Lockchester line and Stonecreek line had mixed at one point but she was unconcerned of her family lines at this moment.
A loud crash and the door splintered open, coming forth from the debre was a blood stained little red creature. It was only 3 feet tall, yet was muscular to a certain strained degree. The creature was armed with a shamir, and armored with plain leather trapes. She was so baffled at how it could have mustered enough strength to destroy the heavy door, when suddenly she saw what had done the feet. A gargantuan beast strode past the red midget and swung its fist at a group of men bellow that Kamil had failed to notice. The attack knocked two men on their backs, the other leaped forward with both body and greenish dirk. The attack penitrated the beast with ease and had seemingly no effect until moments later, when the best caughed a cry from within and fell to the Patriclo blood stained floor. Thats right, she remembered now. Patriclo and the boys, jarvious and the yelling.
before she could think much more about anything, the red creature sized the situation and retreated from the fallen beast to the outside. Relieved if not thankfull the gaurd went down the stairs to the blundered men. "Everyone ok?" The temple gaurd asked. "Where fine Depritrious, hey Solems what's with that dirk anyways? theres no way that was a critical strike." said one of the fallen gaurd. "Your right, the blacksmith gave it to me. Its got some kind of magical poison placed in it," "No kidding huh?" said the other gaurd. "Hey Depritrious whats going on? Does the lady of the palace know anthing," said Solems '"Thats a good question," turning to Kamil Depritrious gave her a quesioning look, "Well? Do you." in a slow and calmed mannor kamil spoke, "All I can tell you is what I've seen, it all started when i sent the family hound (Patriclo) to fetch my son and his companion." she started. "And?" questioned a gaurd, "and Patriclo came home maimed by steel and.. other forces, such as perhaps we've seen just now." slowly and diliberatly she continued. "I had seen my sons clothing within the jaw of my child, so i knew he had found them, or what was left of them."
"As I was diliberation my options i heard things form outside and opened the door, i saw masses of men coming from Arclore forest approching the palace." Depritrious, Solems and the guards gave eachother a knowing glance at Kamils words. She continued with a slowing tone, "I, I.. turned to a feeling from behind and saw Patriclo my arm its." She hadn't noticed her arms motivationless standing, in fact no one had noticed she was still bleeding. "My lady, are you alright?" before she could respond a gaurd noted her faint expression, "shes suckum to the vapors!" Depritrious swooped in and grabed her before she fell. "My lady!" said depritrious in a suprised and caring voice. Removing his hand from her upper back to elavate her head, he saw the blood. "She's been hurt, Solems, walsworth get water and cloth from the stables," "sir" in unison they replyed and commenced upon orders. The other man Yonra stood ready for orders of equal importance. As the sun grew, the morning scent of hunters and prey spread endlessly beyond the valley of Eastern Westmarch.
less then a legion away below the celestial dimond edged Dricewols lake, stood Remilus and Darkshoulders. On a incline of dirt in the largest expance of the cave they stood before an army of undead soldiers. The term undead had just recently been awarded to Remilus by his father, in fact there was much he was learning that he had no idea of before. Demons...Undead...Hell?....Heaven? Where had all this knowledge gone? Why hadn't his teachers known of this? Aware of Remilus's questioning mind, Darkshoulders faced Remilus. "Master, there is much you do not know. You have little time to understand everything now." "Father why have you been gone so long?" Remilus had noticed that his voice was no longer his own, but that didn't bother him so much as his own body changing into something else. He had begun to grow taller, much taller, and his muscles had grown and filled as if they had been pumped with water then turned to muscle."Of course I regret to have been away from you master, i was searching for the a magic strong enough to bring you into creation." "What of mother, is she of no importance?" sternly and loud enough to be heard be the army before them remilus questioed Darkshoulders. Not that it would matter, Remilus had learned that the undead only see and hear in the commanders vision and voice, unless granted otherwise by himself. The same vision Remilus had detested, yet now he found he was the one in control of that vision and the voices with it.
"Mother? you refer to your mortal parent?" in a questioning and matter of fact voice, Darkshoulders words seemed to have no immotion whatsoever. "Yes, don't you remember mother," childed Remilus in an innocent tone, unbeffiting to his allready devilish voice. "Of course master, I'm sorry that I left her out of our pans, I should have known she would be a matter of interest in life and in death for you." Darkshoulders words somehow made remilus at ease. "There is still time Master we can retrive her before the plan is put fully into play, is that your wish?" everything seemed to be getting clearer to Remilus, but hadn't his father known? "Father, mother has been dead for the past few years, didn't you know?
"Then why the interest in her my lord? It would be easy to raise her skeleton, but re-animating her to previous from would take more then just a little effert." Everything his father said resounded truth to Remilus, "Very well he said we shall have to accept Kamil instead." At those words Remilus reached out to his newly aquired servants in the area around korous, with the vison he now commanded he simply gave the order to retrieve Kamil and any others who would be suited to join him.

[RevenantsKnight]

Part 4 was harder to get through than the last installment, partially because of the length and partially because parts of this sound confused or contradictory. Of everything I’ve seen so far, this felt the roughest, and I’d suggest taking another look at this chapter before continuing on with the story. However, there were still a few good bits that I saw here, so I’d say it’s possible that your idea for this chapter is decent but just isn’t coming through. For your story in general, though particularly for this part, if you clean up the grammar and such some, your plot and the images will show much more clearly. It might be worthwhile to stop generating new material for now, brush up on grammar, etc. and then go back to edit these chapters. After that, hopefully you can use what you’ve learned to continue. Anyway, some comments:

It was by no means typical of her to be so distrought, as a former cleric of the king's council she knew that calm proceeded action.

I think you want “preceded” instead, if you meant “calm came before action.” Also, “distraught” isn’t spelled with an “o,” and there’s a comma splice after it. To illustrate what I mean by a comma splice, consider this phrasing: “It was by no means typical of her to be so distraught. As a former cleric of the king’s council she knew calm preceded action.” The period after “distraught” works grammatically; this means that a semicolon should also be suitable. However, commas cannot be used in place of a period or semicolon, and this misuse is called a comma splice. Hope that helps.

The Weapons training she recieved on her brothers request had done its job, and she knew that action was to be demanded.

This sentence is one of the more confusing ones that I noticed. First of all, it’s not clear what you meant by “the weapons training...had done its job” since the first sentence of this chapter suggests that she was unable to react for a time. Next, “action was to be demanded” is in the passive voice, which is in general not a good idea except in certain stylistic cases. I’d reword this as “...and she knew that this crisis demanded action.” Additionally, “weapons” shouldn’t be capitalized, “received” is an exception to “I before E,” and “brothers” should be “brother’s,” since it was his request.

Looking around as if just then realizing her situation, the floor was soaked with blood and patriclo was gone.

You need something like “...she noticed that...” before “the floor...” Also, “Patriclo” should be capitalized. With very few exceptions, all proper nouns are capitalized.

Outside the wind cut to the bone, Kamil didn't know how the weather had so suddenly changed but she wasn't in the mood to care.

The first part here is a welcome attempt at description, and it does do something to help the atmosphere of the story, but “the wind cut to the bone” is a little overused. I’d advise you to let your imagination run away with this one and see what you come up with; you can always make it less wild if it doesn’t seem to work, and if it does work, chances are it’ll make a favorable impression on your reader. Also, there’s a comma splice after “bone”; that is, it should be a period or semicolon, and you need a comma after “outside.”

staring back at the blood and about to move when a noise from the square cuaght her attention.

There’s no subject in this sentence; while it’s implied that the person who’s “staring back at the blood and about to move” is Kamil, the lack of an actual subject makes this sound confused. Sometimes this works stylistically, but here it doesn’t. I’d fix this by adding something like “She froze for a moment,...” at the start of the sentence. Also, “caught” is spelled with the pattern “-au-,” not “-ua-.”

A low moaning that can be easily described as a sick man in agony getting out of bed.

Nice image, but it’s not quite correctly worded here; the moaning itself is not equivalent to a sick man, it’s like the noise a sick man might make. I’d suggest something like “A low moaning that could have been, in another place, the sound of a sick man in agony.” Now, this sentence is also technically incomplete, as there’s no verb (the subject of the sentence, “a low moaning,” isn’t doing anything) but this works well stylistically here, as it focuses the reader’s attention on this particular sound, so I’d suggest just the above change.

She ran to the open door and looked outside, there moving toward's the village, like a darkness overpowered by one of greater darkness, was a mass of inching bodys.

Wait. She “looked outside”? I got the impression from the previous few sentences that she was already outside, so this didn’t make sense. If you meant for her to still be inside, then I’d suggest eliminating the part on the wind outside, since that made me assume that she had stepped out of the building. Also, “like a darkness overpowered by a greater darkness” is a strong idea, but I’d recommend rewording it so you don’t repeat “darkness”; for example, it could read something like “...night overpowered by a greater darkness.” Also, there’s a comma splice after “outside,” “towards” doesn’t have an apostrophe in it, and the plural of “body” is “bodies.”

"Patrico!" she yelled, after a few slip seconds she wasn't surprised to see no Patriclo coming immediatly as usual.

Hrm...I’ve never heard the phrase “slip seconds”; did you mean “split seconds”? Either way, I’d advise just leaving it at “a few seconds” unless “slip second” has a meaning that I don’t know. Also, there’s a comma splice after “yelled,” and “immediately” has a second “e.”

Instead she found that her cry had only shifted the group closest to her, in her direction.

I haven’t a clue what you mean by “the group closest to her.” I’d recommend using more specific language for this. Also, I don’t think you need the comma after “closest to her.”

Knowing all to well that alone she would have little chance against such a force, she decided to somehow warn the village.

That first “to” should be “too.” This is a good chance, incidentally, to try and give the reader a look into the way Kamil thinks. If you want, you can spend a little time on her

Before she could turn she felt an odd wet sensation flowing from here back to the floor, turning only in reflex to find Patriclo.

You need a comma after “odd,” and “from here back” should read “from her back.”

The muscles in here left arm (her good arm) had been ripped and rendered useless, "Run," she said aloud as if not capable of thinking such a thing.

Erm...the previous sentence suggests that her back was wounded, not her arm. Either way, you might want to describe this a little more; though it might tend a little towards gruesome, what you have is too dry to have a real emotional impact. Additionally, the comma after “useless” should be a period.

Jarvious had been a stable boy for the StoneCreek family ( Stephan's family) for his whole life, and today was no exception.

The first time I read this, I had to stop and reread it a few times, because there’s no transition at all between Kamil and Jarvious. You don’t need much; just hit return twice in between and it’d be clearer. In fact, I’d suggest finding all the places where you did start a new line and put another line between paragraphs. 0xDEADCAFE and Clarke667 both brought this up before me; if three people are having trouble with the format, then it’s probably not an isolated case and you should fix the problem ASAP. Also, you don’t need the space between “Stephan’s” and the first parenthesis.

Today was sunday, and his job as always on sunday was to keep the grounds orderly.

“Sunday” should be capitalized, since it’s a proper noun. I have no idea why this is the case in English, since it isn’t capitalized in languages such as Spanish or French.

Today however was over, and the night was his time of recluse.

You need commas before and after “however,” and “time of recluse” is an odd expression...“recluse” has some slightly negative connotations. I’d suggest using “peace” or “respite” maybe, though “recluse” does work, and if you were shooting for something more unusual, then it fits nicely. Also, the “Today was over” turn after the previous sentence is deftly done. Good job with that.

Through out Westmarch country boys like himself dreamed of the chance to work for current or retired heads of the crown.

“Throughout” is one word, and I think you need a comma after “Westmarch.”

Jarvious had always felt a slight burning to run into the StoneCreek residence and diclare his love for Kamil, but he was a patient stable boy and dreams like that took time to organize.

This feels like too little support for the idea that Jarvious feels love, lust or something for Kamil; I’d recommend adding in a short event from his past as an example of this, or a more detailed description of his feelings and thoughts. Another thought on this is that, from what you’ve said earlier, Kamil seems older than Jarvious by a fair amount, since he’s still a “boy” and she’s a cleric in the king’s council. This doesn’t mean this idea’s out of the question, but I’m not sure if you intended for the age difference to seem so...large. Also, “declare” has two “e”s and no “i” in it, and “residence” sounds a little too modern for a medieval world.

(Continued...)

[RevenantsKnight]

As he was walking the grounds he suddenly found himself looking into the forest, tilting his head and creasing his eyed in an effert to see beyound the forest itself.

Some spelling pointers: “effort” has an “o” in it, “eyed” should probably be “eyes,” and “beyond” doesn’t have a “u.” Other than that, this sentence is actually very smooth reading. The extra details after “looking into the forest” are especially welcome.

Why not run in a couple of paces and run out? If he could muster that kind of courage maybe he could do the same for Kamil.

Good; the little explanation here of how Jarvious thinks helps form a picture of him. It’s a little lacking since I don’t buy his feelings for Kamil, as mentioned above, but either way it’s a nice addition.

His mind was made up, the first step was to physically take a step, he knew that but his legs didn't seem to be getting the same inspiring message.

The comma after the second “step” should be a period or semicolon, as it’s a comma splice. Also, “he knew that” should read “he knew this.”

His nerves had always been jumpy and when he heard some one yelling to him his nerves did as expected.

Probably the brightest spot of this chapter is the development of Jarvious; this is a nice little quirk and there’s some description of his character, so I can start to think of him as a unique personality. It’s a bit of a pity, then, that it looks like the most developed character just died. If Kamil, Sephan, and Remilus get this level of development in later drafts of the first couple chapters, this piece as a whole would be significantly more gripping.

He jumped, and fell backwards over the dividing stone wall into the pigs traugh.

That’s “pigs’ trough,” if there are multiple pigs, or “pig’s trough” if there’s just one.

Kamil hadn't seen Jarvious but she knew he had to be around.

Again, this shift from Kamil to Jarvious is too sudden; you need at the very least two returns so there’s a line between this sentence and the previous one.

"Oh no," she yelled "Not you too Jarvious," in a hopeless motion she fell to the floor.

You need periods after “yelled” and “Jarvious,” a comma after “too” and “motion,” and “in” should be capitalized.

Only seconds later she heard Jarvious's voice "Yes Madame?" he questioned forcefully "What is your strife?"

There should be periods after “voice” and “forcefully.” Also, if he likes to be alone in the evenings and is jumpy, “forcefully” sounds a little out of character.

"Ohh Jarvious" she screamed rising to soon and to quick to avoid the baluster beem, she knocked herself out.

“Beam” has one “e” and one “a,” the first two instances of “to” should be “too,” and “quick” should be “quickly,” since “quick” is an adjective, “quickly” is an adverb, and one uses adverbs to modify actions such as “rising.” Also, you need a comma after “screamed,” and I’d change “she knocked herself out” to “knocking herself out” because as it is, it creates a comma splice. With this other wording, the phrase remains part of the sentence (which I think it should) without being grammatically incorrect. Finally, “baluster beam” was really confusing to me; a baluster is a vertical beam, pillar or column, and I didn’t see anything previously that suggested that there would be a baluster or a horizontal beam running across balusters anywhere near here.

Jarvious however had heard her scream and ran with passion to the front square, where the gate to the inside was located.

Hrm...if Jarvious feels something for Kamil, why didn’t he check on her himself first, instead of running for help? Also, “to the inside” feels incomplete; the gate leads to the inside of what? Additionally, you need a comma before and after “however.”

As Jarvious turned to corner he stopped the motion of his body, yet the force in the speed of his previous motion slid him across the gravle ground.

What did Jarvious “corner”? Do you mean “turned the corner”? Also, the part about him sliding works as an image, but “force in the speed” could just as easily be replaced with “momentum,” which would be less wordy and correct from the standpoint of physics. Finally, “gravel” is spelled “-el.”

Stopping a few paces after he stared blankly at the front gate, torn down and droves of men slowly yet assertivly marching inside.

You need a comma after “after,” which I’d change to “later” because “after” begs the question, “After what?” Granted, it’s clearer in context, but because it’s not answered in this sentence, it sounds a little awkward. Also, this gets confusing after “front gate”; I’d reword it to “...gate, which had been torn down, and the droves...” and “assertively” ends in “-vely.”

Jarvious was of no royal or distinguished blood but he knew that his duty in this situation was to aid these men.

Uh...no, I don’t think he’d think that. If I were a stable hand and I found the main town gate destroyed and people marching in, I’d assume they were invaders and sound the alarm.

Running to the gate to join them in he was suprised to see that they werent whole men, but portions of ones.

“Portions of ones” is a start of a very attention-grabbing idea, but it’s just not vivid enough to get a reader engaged here. I’d suggest throwing in a few more sentences of description to really bring this image home. Also, you need a comma after “them,” “in” should be deleted, “surprised” has two “r”s and “weren’t” has an apostrophe after the “n.”

Madness can be easyily inflicted upon people, but Jarvious had never seen such crazed drive in any of this worlds men.

“Easily” has one “y,” “worlds” needs to be “world’s” since you’re indicating possession, and “assertively” by itself doesn’t suggest “crazed drive.”

"Ohh Sephan, by the kings good graces stop this madness!" "Who are these men?" "Please Sephan, they will listen to you!"

Judging by the context, Jarvious says all of this. Grammatically, though, this reads as though someone else says “Who are these men?” This should all be in one set of quotation marks, or there should be some more narration between them. Also, “kings” should read “king’s” since it indicates possession.

He felt Sephans hand rest on his shoulder, then to his neck, as Jarvious rose his head he could not but feel like he was out of his own body.

“Sephans” should be “Sephan’s” since this indicates possession, there’s a comma splice after “neck,” and you need a verb after “then.”

As his eyes widened and the blood from his face drained, he realized dumbly that his head was no longer apart of his body.

That should be “a part of.”

Not enough life for terror, silence, vision dimmed and gone, and then utter nothing.

This is a good image, despite the minor coherency issues. While it’s not grammatically correct, it works well enough that you could leave this as is if you wanted to do so.

The old men played Knights and Mercenary's, and the young ones slept with dreams of battles to come, yet unlike their games the battle ahead would have little valor to glorify.

That should be “mercenaries,” “yet” should be “though,” and there should be commas before and after “unlike their games.”

Somewhere below Arclore forest Remilus regained consiousness, he was no longer in waiting denial becuase now the only thing he could feel was pain.

There should be a comma after “forest,” “consciousness” has two “c”s, “because” has the “a” before the “u,” and there’s a comma splice after “consciousness.”

In summary, this needs a lot of cleaning, but has a few gems and could be good with work. I suggest, again, that you take some time now to edit what you have and work on your writing mechanics, so the other parts you write later will sound cleaner right off the bat.

And...

My knowledge of writting is of no concern to either myself or others.

No, it actually is, or I wouldn't have spent this much time on your work. I'm perfectly willing to keep reading your story and commenting on it because I think you can do better; however, if you truly don't care about your own skill, then I'm going to stop both so I can help other people who will seriously consider changing parts of their mechanics or style if presented with a logical reason.

[Science Cryption]

Dear Revenknight,
The last few nights have been damned to frustraition, I dream of Horrorible commas and long streches of writting that will not cease to stop screaming if they are not corrected.

I try so hard to correct my wrongs, but I fail over and over again.
Standing in water, half way to my knee's, nothing but plains of error and wrongs, fill my already tear ridden eye's.

I fall to my knee's and try hopelessly to sooth my blistered fingers. Then from below me, I see a brown feathered bird upon an empty sheath. Looking at it from above the shallow water, but seeing it dry, as if in another world.

It Speaks in a language I have never knwon, but I understand, not directly but somewhere in my mind I can clearly see what the creature is trying to convey to me.

The sheath is of no distinct color, and is sticking in the solid reality beneath it.

Reaching down beneath me, trying with an effort i might add, to break whatever i was kneeling upon.

As I give up in vain the water turns to stone, Panick is no word for what i felt.

leaving my breath behind me, the bird flys towards me, it stops with its beak sticking ever to slightly in my left eye. That would be by bad eye, vision wise anyways.

After what is commonly described as forever, the stone turns to ash and I fall into a lake.

A women stands at the shore not 50 feet away. Shes beautyful, very actually. She seems to be looking at something under the water, i swim to shore and run towards her.

She doesn't realize im next to her the whole time, just so you know.

shes looking at a man in the water, he's cast in a bed of what can easyally be described as underwater roses.

he's caged somehow, not physically, somehow i can feel him trapped. I speak to the women, a loan tear of gleeming beautyful marble flows mythically down her cheek.

If I would of realized it was a dream i would most likely of embraced her until i awoke.

Anyways I realized that the tear was turning the whole beach into a dancing hall, the water however remained.

I dove in and was amazed at how deep the man really was, i swam and swam, realizing i was out of air and to far to make it back i kept going.

I passed out, in a way, i could still see. i floated down to him, when i fell beside him rather featherlike he looked over and said, "I know what to do, but somehow i can't." I give him a quizical look then say, "Why can't I write correct?" he sends back my previous look and says,"maybe you should listen before you decide to close your ears."

at that I loose sight of him and appear in the dance hall that the shore had turned to. The man is dancing with a mouse( a computer mouse) and the women is dancing with a wolf dressed in the mans clothing.

The women notices me in the very end of the dream and falls asleep in the wolfs paws, at that the man runs over and the mouse clicks. i wake up and the dream is over.

I wrote it all down after i woke up, but im afraid a lot of the dream i don't remember.

Anyways this is more like a short story then a letter to you, but i can't help but feel it has something to do with your own life.

none of this of course has anything to do with diablo so im ending it.

[Clarke667]

It would appear that Science Cryption has gone bat**** insane.

I've no doubt that Revenantsknight is to blame. He is the epicenter of all things wrong in the world. Poverty? Revenantsknight. Famine (ie those kids with the funny bloaty bellies)? Revenantsknight. The children of the new world have nothing to feed upon but cold grammar, and they have found it wanting. Cold grammar tastes like lukewarm syrofoam.

If you read A Call To Arms backward, there are secret messages from Satan.

Fret not, Science Cryption; Revenantsknight has also driven me to madness. We may now merge into a single entity, sort of like how Go-Bots lock together and create a bigger Go-Bot. We may then crush Tokyo if it is to our liking.

[0xDEADCAFE]

Clarke667: ROTFL - just leave the Manga shops alone, and the Sony plants...

ScienceCryption: about your open letter to the oh-so-Revenant, I liked it, very dreamy and allegorical. Not that I understood the symbolism, but it was enjoyable none the less.

If English is not your first language then I can understand your frustration. From what I have heard from people who speak it as a second language, it is a maddeningly difficult language, and I believe there are many native-speakers who, even after 12 or more years of schooling, make the same types of errors that you are making now.

If you really want to become proficient in written English it may well be a long and difficult effort, but my hat is off to you if you try. I can't imagine trying to be even coherent, much less literate, in a second language. My first is challenging enough.

RevenantsKnight: Oh the slings and arrows of grammatical correctness! I guess all you can do is take it like a man. (or whatever...)

[Science Cryption]

Tokyo wouldn't be my first choice to abolish, and yes English is not my native language, German is. I live in Germany still and try my best to learn the worlds most popularly spoken tounge.

The dream was hard to explain becuase I had to translate it into english peramiters. Although I'm begining to think in American, my word ordering is still based on German.

Since German and American word structuring is essencially backwards, this isn't easy to do. I envy Americans becuase it is said that starting off with American makes it much easyer to learn other languages.

Secondly my choice of city to destroy would be everything surrounding Tokyo, that way they can add on to the only city worthy of being added to on that ridicoulisly small Island.

Last of all neither Xxdead nor Clark responded to my addition to the story, thats for the support against Reven, please respond to my additions as well.