quest for the crest

[mischa]

hi i just wanted to post a story i'm writing so it's not done yet but i wanted to see what you all thought of it so far..

“Wow. That’s a really neat item… Ohhhh, you have one of those?! That’s awesome!”

“Yup. That’s the Gull dagger, came straight from the very bottom of the barracks to the south, 500,000 G”

“Man, that’s a lot.” Right then something caught my eye. “What’s that?”

“That’s not for sale” It was beautiful, I couldn’t believe my eyes! It was the Harlequin Crest Shako! I had nothing nearly as rare as that item! This shako is the rarest of it’s kind! It is said to be very magical and brings good fortune to it’s wearer.

“Please! I’ll give you anything!” I started to dump out my inventory bag in front of him.

“I said, It’s not for sale!” The merchant took the shako into the back of his shop tent. When he came back he said “That shako belonged to my great uncle. He was a fierce warrior by the name of Calidore, he was a brave man and died in justice. Right before he left for his last battle, he gave me the Harlequin Shako and told me it was the family heirloom and to never lose it.”

“wow neat story, but sorry to bust your bubble, but The great warrior Calidore lived over 200 years ago. Stop telling me stories, now tell me the truth about how you came about the Harlequin Shako!”

“Smart boy, I will not tell you where I obtained this treasure, but I will make a deal with you.”

“yeah? What is it?”

“Well, there is a small treasure to the west. Though it is heavily guarded by demons and the undead. It lies beneath the very grounds of the Cold Plains. The place I am talking about is the legendary pit!”

“The legendary pit?! Many warriors have died trying to get the item that lies within the pit! Are you crazy? Trying to make me do such an insane quest…”

“I will not only give you the shako for your deeds, I will also give you any other one item in my shop!”

“Hmmm, you’re on!” I couldn’t believe I accepted! No one has ever walked out of the pit alive! Yet, here I am accepting the quest that may determine my death. It is now die trying or succeed and obtain the Harlequin Crest Shako.

The merchant was very surprised to hear my willing to take on his deal “Very well then, you will have three days, starting tomorrow morning. Oh, you may want this charm with you during your quest. I call it Gheeds Fortune, named after myself of course! I will sell it to you for a hefty 100k!”

The charm showed vibrantly and seemed to pull me towards it. I couldn’t resist! “You got a deal!” I dumped 100k in front of him. Now, I had not a silver coin left, but I was content.

We exchanged money for charm when he told me I better rest up for tomorrow. I agreed, gathered my inventory and left Gheed’s shop.

I looked around at my surroundings, I was in a rogue camp led by the Sightless Eye priestess. It was nearly dark and there was a large fire pit in the middle of camp, only red ashes remain. There were 2 archer guards at the one gate and many more scattered about guarding various tents or just on patrol.

I went to sleep. That night dreamed about the following three days. It started out all merry and everyone was going smoothly. I was getting my gear ready for the long road ahead, then the dream cut to the priestess, she was giving me something, but I could not see what. Suddenly, I was a few miles away from camp with three mercenaries. The path split in two and there was a sign post, both directions said The Cold Plains. I sensed great danger to the right path. The scene cut to a large cave leading into the ground. Then, I was in the pit surrounded by the living dead and I held something up in my hand. Everything flashed white and I was holding up the treasure of the pit, when suddenly I saw many giant hulky figures in the distance back up on the cold plains, I woke up.

The sun was just coming up, but I could not see it for there were too many clouds in the way. The Blood moor outside of camp was misty as hell, and you could only see about a mile out. I got up and walked around camp, everyone was already up and doing their jobs. I suddenly felt very grungy, so I went to the well and poured much water on myself, for I knew I would not be clean for the next three days. I went to my personal equipment tent. I changed into some clean clothes. Then I put on some light armor consisting of leather boots and gloves, and a light leather body armor, along with some chain mail underneath. The set up was very light and maneuverable, which was how I liked it. Not heavy bulky armor that may protect me but does not allow much movement. For my monster killing strategy was hit and run. My stomach started to growl, I hadn’t eaten since mid day the day before. I decided to go see what Warrive, the traveling man, was cookin up for breakfast. “Hey Warrive. What’s up?”

“Not much. Ya know the same old happens here at camp everyday it’s borin the **** outa me. So here I am Cookin eggs and bacon for breakfast like I do every morning. And I‘m guessing, as you always do, you want some?”
I laugh a little “ I sure do!”

Warrive spatulas some eggs and bacon on a clay plate and hands it over to me.

[RevenantsKnight]

A general note: I’d suggest not basing stories so heavily off the game, because then you’re in a direct competition of sorts with all of those pre-made images, stories, etc., and you cause the reader to bring whatever preconceptions he or she might have from playing Diablo II into the story. Pieces that are heavily faithful to the game also tend to make the reader ask her- or himself, “Couldn’t I just play this out myself?”

That said, there’s some originality here, as it’s not exactly the “must...kill...evil” mentality that all the game’s heroes appear to have. However, to truly explore this sort of slant on the game, I’d say that you would almost certainly need a rather unique and well-developed protagonist. What you have now is a start towards that, but he still needs work so he sticks out as particularly memorable. I could see a good story coming out of this idea, but as it is, there isn’t enough character development and it’s too heavily rooted in the game for it to feel like more than a player putting himself onto a computer screen. Here’re some overly pompous and harsh comments on specific points:

“That’s awesome!”

“Awesome” isn’t part of most fantasy characters’ spoken vocabularies; while this isn’t set in stone, it does make this character sound more like a Battle.net denizen than a medieval warrior type. In general, I’d advise you to read over your story and look for phrases and words that sound like something you might see on your screen while playing Diablo II. Even if you intended this to be faithful to the game, that doesn’t mean you have to include everything that happens in online games.

“That’s the Gull dagger, came straight from the very bottom of the barracks to the south, 500,000 G”

While this works OK in the game, the idea of carrying around a half million slugs of gold just doesn’t sound plausible here. You might want to adjust the economics here a little, unless you’re truly intending for this to remain a game-based piece, which can work, but does run into the problem listed above.

“That’s not for sale” It was beautiful, I couldn’t believe my eyes!

So...why was it beautiful? Even if this is a fic set explicitly in the game, you should take the time to describe such things as opposed to letting the pre-made images stand in for your own words. Also, you need a period after “sale,” inside the quotation marks, and the comma after “beautiful” should be either a period or a semicolon, since the two clauses it connects could be sentences on their own.

This shako is the rarest of it’s kind! It is said to be very magical and brings good fortune to it’s wearer.

Both instances of “it’s” above should be “its,” since you mean to indicate possession, not “it is.” By the way, you don’t have to use the word “shako” in every instance where you’re talking about the cap; adding in some synonyms would help from time to time.

I started to dump out my inventory bag in front of him.

I don’t know if I’d call it an “inventory bag”...just “traveling pack” or something like that would probably work better. Yes, I know the game calls it a player’s inventory, but can you actually imagine an adventurer calling his rucksack his “inventory”?

“I said, It’s not for sale!”

“It’s” doesn’t need to be capitalized.

When he came back he said “That shako belonged to my great uncle.”

You need a comma after “said,” outside the quotes.

“He was a fierce warrior by the name of Calidore, he was a brave man and died in justice.”

The comma after “Calidore” should be a period or a semicolon since “He was a fierce warrior by the name of Calidore” and “He was a brave man and died in justice” could each be complete sentences. This error of connecting two complete clauses with a comma is called a comma splice, and, though it’s not a big problem, it is something that any self-respecting American high school or college level English teacher will nail you for.

“wow neat story, but sorry to bust your bubble, but The great warrior Calidore lived over 200 years ago. Stop telling me stories, now tell me the truth about how you came about the Harlequin Shako!”

The first sentence in this passage needs some work. First off, “wow” should be capitalized, and the redundant use of “but” makes this sound a little nonsensical. I’d rewrite this as something like “Wow, neat story. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but the great warrior Calidore lived over 200 years ago.” Also, there’s another comma splice after “stories,” and “came about” should be “came across.”

“yeah? What is it?”

“Yeah?” should be capitalized.

“Well, there is a small treasure to the west. Though it is heavily guarded by demons and the undead. It lies beneath the very grounds of the Cold Plains. The place I am talking about is the legendary pit!”

Hrm...the last sentence here is good, in that it fits with the character of Gheed; he seems prone to exaggerations and would view even the easiest areas in the game as deathtraps, given his combat abilities. However, the previous reference to “Cold Plains” is a bit unnecessary unless you, again, intend this to be in the game; I doubt the inhabitants of the encampment would, for instance, call the area directly outside “the Blood Moor.” Rather, I’d assume they’d refer to it as “the outside,” “the moor,” etc. Also, the period after “west” should be a comma, combining those two clauses.

No one has ever walked out of the pit alive! Yet, here I am accepting the quest that may determine my death. It is now die trying or succeed and obtain the Harlequin Crest Shako.

That’s a lot of absolutes there...“no one,” “die trying or succeed,” “the quest that may determine my death.” I get it; it’s dangerous. While this sort of thing is fine in moderation, it gets tiresome fast in large quantities. I recommend reading this article at The Dark Library, specifically the section on dramatics.

The merchant was very surprised to hear my willing to take on his deal “Very well then, you will have three days, starting tomorrow morning.”

“My willing to take” sounds off to me; perhaps “my willingness...” would work better. Also, you need a period after “deal.”

“I call it Gheeds Fortune, named after myself of course! I will sell it to you for a hefty 100k!”

“Gheeds” should be “Gheed’s.” To indicate that someone owns something, use the person’s name and add an apostrophe and an “s” on the end.

The charm showed vibrantly and seemed to pull me towards it.

I think you mean “shone” there, not “showed.” It also couldn’t hurt to describe the charm more; what is it made of, what shape does it have?

I dumped 100k in front of him.

100,000 gold pieces, even if they’re the size of dimes, is a LOT of weight. For comparison, fill a backpack with dimes and try to lift it. I’ll bet that’s a pain, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s not even 100,000 dimes. Again, unless this is a strict game piece, this needs changing.

I looked around at my surroundings, I was in a rogue camp led by the Sightless Eye priestess.

There’s a comma splice after “surroundings.” Any thoughts on what you should do to fix it?

It was nearly dark and there was a large fire pit in the middle of camp, only red ashes remain.

This should read “in which only ashes remained,” as “remain” is in the present tense and the rest of the narration is in the past tense. Also, the “in which” is needed to clarify that the ashes were in the fire pit, as opposed to all over the camp.

(continued)

[RevenantsKnight]

That night dreamed about the following three days.

I think that should read “That night, I dreamed...”

It started out all merry and everyone was going smoothly.

That should be “everything.”

I was getting my gear ready for the long road ahead, then the dream cut to the priestess, she was giving me something, but I could not see what.

There’s a comma splice after “priestess,” and should be replaced with a period or semicolon.

The path split in two and there was a sign post, both directions said The Cold Plains.

See above comment concerning game names. Also, there’s a comma splice after “post.”

I got up and walked around camp, everyone was already up and doing their jobs.

There’s a comma splice after “camp.”

I suddenly felt very grungy, so I went to the well and poured much water on myself, for I knew I would not be clean for the next three days. I went to my personal equipment tent. I changed into some clean clothes.

That’s a lot of sentences with an “I did X” structure. For the reader’s sake, you should probably vary this a little, so it doesn’t sound as much like a list.

Then I put on some light armor consisting of leather boots and gloves, and a light leather body armor, along with some chain mail underneath.

It’s nice that you’re describing what he’s wearing. I’d see if you can’t do the same for his physical appearance.

Not heavy bulky armor that may protect me but does not allow much movement. For my monster killing strategy was hit and run.

In the first sentence, “may” should be “might,” and “does” should be “would,” since this is a hypothetical situation. Additionally, starting a sentence with “not” is fine for spoken English, but in writing I’d word that as “I didn’t wear heavy...” Also, the “for” at the start of the second sentence is extraneous, and should probably be deleted.

My stomach started to growl, I hadn’t eaten since mid day the day before.

There’s a comma splice after “growl,” and “midday” can be one word if you want. In general, I suggest reading over sentences with commas after you write them and seeing if they sound correct if broken into multiple sentences at the commas. If this can happen, there’s a good chance that there should be a period or semicolon there instead of a comma.

I decided to go see what Warrive, the traveling man, was cookin up for breakfast.

“Warriv” isn’t spelled with an “e,” and “cooking” has a “g” on the end.

Warrive spatulas some eggs and bacon on a clay plate and hands it over to me.

Umm...“to spatula” isn’t really a verb, and both verbs here are in the present tense, while the rest of the story is mostly in the past tense. I’d change this to “[past tense of to spatula]” and “handed.” Also, “on a clay plate” should read “onto a clay plate,” because as it is, it sounds like the bacon was on a clay plate prior to Warriv’s action.

In summary, I’d suggest that you make this less based on the game if you can, because there are a number of reasons why stories that resemble game screenshots just aren’t that thrilling. Regardless, if you can develop your protagonist more, and work on cleaning up some of the grammar and spelling, it’ll definitely improve. Above all, keep at it...almost all first drafts are rough around the edges, and the only way they get better is if the writer continues to work on them. Thanks for posting!

[mischa]

wow thanks for all the comments on like every little thing on my story. lol
after i started writing this and was about 2/3 through this part of the story i started reading lots of other stories that were posted on this board and yeah i agree totally i should really not make it so much like the game! I'm gonna work on it a ton and make it a lot diffrent from the game and make sure i do do comma splices or whatever their called. should i really put a period every single time i see a point where there can be one? cause then there'd be a ton of periods.. but i guess that makes sense.. well anyway thnx for commenting!